It’s Natural

It’s Natural

By Hannah Rae Tuimala

Please respect my copyright and do not copy or duplicate any portion of this story without permission.

You can buy them for about eight dollars a piece, but you can get two for twelve dollars, and since most people won’t usually accept the first results, you might as well buy two. I used to buy a two pack every few months or so, when my period had skipped its third month in a row, just to be sure. We always knew the results, but better safe than sorry. After four years of the same results, it wasn’t worth the twelve dollars, and now eight years in, my heart hardly ever hopes.

Samuel Robert Tuimala, what are you up to? An angelic blond toddler waddled his way across the large living room with a small stuffed animal in his mouth. Nippy doesn’t like it when you take her toys. That’s icky. Take it out of your mouth. The little boy spit out the toy and ran full force into his mother’s arms.

I sit up with a start. It was that dream again, and it’s getting more and more detailed. I could see his blue and hazel eyes. I could smell his baby shampoo. A tear rolls down my cheek, half from joy, and half from pure anguish. How crazy am I, Sam? I am so in love with you, and you don’t even exist, except in my heart. I look longingly at my snoring husband lying next to me, who is completely unaware of the drama playing out in our bed. I look over at the alarm clock. Its big red letters say 2:30. Lord, please help me fall back asleep; I have a long day tomorrow.

I lay my head back on my pillow. My hands search under the comforter for my pink blankey; the one I’ve had since I was an infant; the one I can’t fall asleep without. I lay the blankey under my head and find my favorite corner with my fingers. Its soft, worn fabric is the only thing that could lull me back to a sweet slumber. I run the corner through my fingers again and again, hoping that the sensation will help my mind to slow down.

SLOW DOWN! Lord, why am I thinking so much? First it’s babies, and then it’s sex with my husband, and then what we’re having for dinner tomorrow. I am driving myself crazy!

I try to recite some verses I’ve been memorizing lately; hoping that concentrating on them will help my mind to organize itself into some form of sanity. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love I am only a resounding gong or a clanging…I wonder what we should do for a craft tomorrow night at the parenting class. That little Clara is so cute. I can see why Kaleb wants a daughter. What a gem. Kiva Ruth is such a nice name, I think my grandmother would like that name. I really like those cloth diapers I found on the internet. My mom will laugh when she finds out I want to try cloth.  STOP IT!!! My eyes begin to well up with tears and I have the sudden impulse to put my face deeply into my pillow and scream. I resist, but scream as loud as I can in my mind.

3:00 AM. Lord, I have to be awake in four hours. Please help me sleep. Lord, why have you put this desire in my heart? Why have you given me such a passion that refuses to be fulfilled? You are the only one that understands, because you made me. Tears begin to fall rapidly onto my pillow. Kaleb doesn’t understand. If it were up to him, we’d be 40 before even considering children. That doesn’t make sense, Lord. You’ve put such a strong desire for children in me that I literally crave them, and then you don’t give even a fraction of that desire to my husband, my partner, my mate.

I glance over at Kaleb. He’s taken his pillowcase off of his pillow again. I smile, and even chuckle softly under my breath. What a silly boy, but oh how I love him. I lean over and kiss the middle of his back. He mumbles something under his breath and I gently lift the covers over his bare shoulder blades. I love you so much, Kaleb Donald. I wish you could understand that this whole baby obsession is a continuation of that passion I have for you. I wish you could understand that when we make love…oh, how to say this…it just makes sense that two people who love each other so much would create another life in that love. He’d be you in me. A part of you joining with me. Ultimate love, isn’t it? Like when God formed Adam out of the dust, in His own image, and then filled him with life, and then formed Eve from him. He loved her because she was part of him. Oh, I’m not making any sense.

I turn my back toward my sleeping husband, my face toward the wall, toward the clock. 4:15. AHHHHH!!! I lay flat on my back. Maybe the change in position will do some good. Okay, Lord. I know you are trying to do something here, but I don’t know what it is. You want me to surrender this desire? Okay, have it. I don’t know what to do with it anyway. Oh, Lord!!! Okay, I have to ask this. You need to do this for me. If you don’t think it’s time for us to have children right now, I can accept that, but you’ve got to do one of two things. Either take away my desire, or give Kaleb some. I know that I can make it through this as long as we are on the same page, one way or another. He’s afraid, I know. He’s afraid that he is going to screw his child up, like his father did with him. What an amazing man you gave to me, Lord, but he’s screwed up! He would be such a wonderful father. Lord, change one of us, before we drive each other crazy. I am perfectly willing for that person to be me. Then I could actually get some sleep.

I don’t know when or if I’d fallen back asleep. The alarm chimed as if announcing that time was up. The night was gone, and now it was time to face another day of learning how to care for other people’s children. I roll onto my side and kiss my husband’s drool smeared cheek.

“I Love you, Kaleb.” I whisper softly in his ear.

“Love you too, dear.” Comes his automated response.

“I know you do.” I sigh, run my hand through my hair, and head to the shower. Hopefully, he’ll join me.