You guessed it! More transitions.

I’m not going to do a post summarizing 2011.

Not going to do it.

Why?

Oh, because 2011 SUCKED!

Right up to the end.

And I wouldn’t be able to share very much about why it sucked, so it’s just not worth it.

2012 has started out with slightly less trauma, because we only had to say goodbye to Bright Eyes (Baby E’s new name, cuz’ the whole initial thing was getting too confusing.) But at least she is in a loving, Godly home, where she is with her two sisters, and close enough that we can visit her on a regular basis. That’s why it’s less trauma.

Bitty Babe (Baby A’s new name) is doing extremely well, and now that I only have 1 babe to focus on, things have calmed down considerably. She is a sweet little thing, but is really struggling with her weaning process. She’s so much more rigid and spastic than Bright Eyes ever was. She is in pain the majority of the time, so if she’s awake, it’s rare that she’s not crying. I can’t wait till she is completely done with her wean so we can see what little girl will get to emerge.

Bitty’s case is so up in the air at this point that we have  no idea how long she will be with us. There is a lot of family involved, so it’s possible that someone could step up to take custody at any point, but that’s not the impression that I’m getting. Visits so far have not been consistent, so we’ll see how that develops. Hubby and I are a little more guarded with this placement because of the heartbreak that happened with Bright Eyes. We want to make sure we have all the information possible before we commit to any decision. For now, our job is to love Bitty as completely as we can so that we can give her the same opportunity to thrive as we did for Bright Eyes.

Our baby girls have been amazing ambassadors for the need for foster parents. They both have attracted so much attention when we are out and it almost always results in at least one good conversation about the need for foster parents in our community. Unfortunately these conversations usually include the phrase/question that I have come to dread and despise. It comes out something like “Oh, I could never do that. How could you give them back?” Or “Doesn’t it just kill you when you have to give them back?” or, the worst of them all, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. I would just love them too much.”

As if we don’t love them with all of our hearts.

As if it is easy for us to send these babies on to whatever is in store for them.

It’s called SACRIFICE, people!

We love them completely so that we know that we didn’t hold anything back. We give them everything we have to give so that we never have to wonder “Did I do enough?” We give them the gift of a strong bond. The gift of knowing that they were loved and cherished. Not just safety, although that is critical, but nurturing.

I’m not strong enough, but the love is not from me. I just pass it on. How could I knowingly chose to not do that?

Okay. Venting over.

Who knows what this next season will bring, but I definitely hoping for something better.

Blessings!

Hannah

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An early Christmas gift

The Stubborn house has a new member.

Thursday afternoon a worker from our agency called and said “I know you and [Hubby] wanted to take a break…”

“But?”

“But there’s a baby girl who needs a home. Would you be willing?”

After a short discussion of the few details she knew, which wasn’t much, I told her the answer would most likely be “yes”, but I had to check with Hubby. So I did.  The answer was yes.

Baby A arrived at 2 o’clock Friday afternoon. She’s so tiny! She’s less than 3 weeks old, so much more “newborn” ish than Baby E was. She’s had a rough start as another victim of the ever popular “white r*sh” epidemic. She is so spastic and rigid that I couldn’t even straighten her arm to get her gown on. She’s not on phenob*rb like Baby E was, so I’m going to talk to our pediatrician about that when I take her in ASAP next week.

It’s definitely a challenge with two infants who both need attention, often at the same times. Baby E heard me get up with Baby A at 5:30 this morning and decided that she wanted to join the party, so I sat her on the floor with a toy while I made two bottles (thankfully they use the same formula!), and then I held Baby A on my lap and had Baby E next to me lying on a pillow holding her bottle by herself.

It’s so amazing to see the size and developmental differences between the two girls. Baby E is practically a toddler compared to the itsy bitsy Baby A. She is just so little.

Anywho, my brain is sleep deprived and I am having trouble making sense, so since both babes are sleeping at the moment, I am going to head to bed. I will write more details very soon…maybe even tonight if someone gets rambunctious.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Trauma has given me….

Well, I’ll get to that.

I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.

She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.

AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:

“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”

I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really  know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)

But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.

But I’m learning.

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. Praise Jesus!

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, Baby E, behavior challenges, Being set apart, blogging, faith, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

I found a button.

One of my buttons, that is.

This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!

Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.

One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.

Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!

All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.

Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.

So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.

Blessings!

Hannah

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What did I do yesterday?

Hey, I missed a day of blogging.  Sorry about that.

I had to think for a few moments longer than I would like to admit about what I actually did yesterday.

Oh, yeah! I spent the day with two amazing ladies jabbering away as we worked on random projects.

Every month or so, a group of my amazing lady friends and I get together at the incredible Miss Angie’s (no, not the uber-cool Christian punk rocker from the 90′s) for a “craft day”. Normally this results in a lot more yakking getting done than crafts, but we enjoy it all the same. Yesterday nearly everyone bailed out, (wimps!) so it was just the three of us. Amazingly, we actually got some stuff done!

I brought a box of my dad’s paper keepsakes that I’ve been sorting through, as well as a file box where I am neatly cataloging items that might be significant to various family members. I even remembered a paper bag to put the discarded items in. I was very proud of myself! Miss Sherry brought her sewing machine, which she admirably fixed herself after the foot fell off, and worked on a pocket advent calendar. Miss Angie made us all hungry as she attempted (successfully?) to make her first pumpkin pie from scratch. Okay, the filling was from scratch.

Although I was glad to get some sorting done, the fellowship was, as always, the most valuable part. We talked about so many different subjects, and I got to know my friends so much better. These women, even the wimps that weren’t there, are such a blessing in my life. For years I prayed for female friends that I could truly get close to and share life with, and God has truly answered my prayer with these women. We support each other, pray for each other, and are blatantly honest with each other when necessary. We laugh a lot, cry a lot, and sometimes even laugh till we cry. Plus, we love each other’s kiddos, which is very important, because there are a lot of little ones in our church family right now.

Anywho, it was a very worthwhile way to spend the day. I left my pitifully ill hubby in the good hands of my FIL, and brought home pizza at the end of the day, so all was well. And the gals were amazed at how happy and content Baby E was while we worked. Her healing amazes me every day.

What relationships outside of your family are you most thankful for? What do you do, or pretend to do, on the days that you need to get away with those who lift you up?

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. To all the wimps, I LOVE YOU! I was just speaking out of pure disappointment that I didn’t get to be in your wonderful presence.

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Humble

I had to apologize today…

for being young, and naive, and head strong;

for not seeing the signs, even when people tried to tell me;

for letting love…or was it pride…blind my eyes.

I had to say I’m sorry…

for getting angry over what I knew was true,

but didn’t want to be true,

and now is so true that my windows are at risk of things flying them. And he’s not even here.

So hopefully my ears are hearing better now,

and wisdom has found a few more nooks and crannies to invade,

and bitterness will stay away.

Hopefully I can still have words of hope and encouragement for others,

and maybe even help them hear.

What are you doing, God?

Oh. That.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Promise

I will be back;

And we will be glad, you and I,

because that means that we have survived.

In the mean time, we pray, you and I,

and hold onto His promises.

I promise.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Just an update

I’m so sorry I have been so absent. I wouldn’t apologize except that I know that I get worried when I don’t hear from my blogger friends for a while.

So here’s the update:

Things are tough.

Jeremiah is at the psyche ward right now due to a week of chaos. Our simple hope is that he gets the hope he needs.

I am shell shocked. After days of “faking it” I finally broke down with Kaleb last night. We mourned over both our sons and their choices. We prayed loudly. We reassured each other as much as we could. We finally slept.

Now we wait.

Pray for us. We need help and support right now in ways we never have before.

The adventure continues. There is still hope.

Blessings!

Hannah

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My week of different

This week has been very different.

Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.

He’s not here. That’s different.

Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.

It’s quiet. That’s different.

I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well,  then I do nothing.

I’m rested. That’s different.

Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!

I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.

Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.

I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.

Breakthrough. That would be different.

Blessings!

Hannah

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This week…

This week I hope that…

• My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
• Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
• I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
• The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
• Hubby gets a  specific phone call that he wants to get.
• I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
• Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
• Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
• I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!

Blessings!

Hannah

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