We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
I think that my journey with infertility gives me unique perspective on certain issues in our world.
Not just my infertility, but my intense passion for children and their well-being.
I. Love. Kids.
So things like this make me really happy.
I could watch programs about child development for hours. I never tire of the miracle of how we are created and are continually shaped into these amazingly unique beings.
On side note, if you are a parent, or someone who loves a child, and you haven’t read Nancy Tillman’s “On the Night You were Born,” you need to. Amazing. Plus, it’s featured, along with other Tillman titles, at Kohl’s this month in support of their Kohl’s Cares for Kids campaign, so it’s a good time to get it.
On the flip side, just like the things that highlight the beauty and wonder of children make me full of joy, anything that disregards or causes harm to children makes me so angry that…well, I just don’t have words.
I don’t have words for things like this:
No words, except: This. Must. Stop.
I have to be so careful to guard my heart in this area, because the subject of abortion, or even unwanted children is such a breeding ground for hatred and bitterness in my heart, even bitterness against my Heavenly Father. All the “why’s” creep up, and it’s hard to stop them once they start. So I am careful. And I pray.
And I wait on what God has to say to my heart. And I stop trying to understand, ‘cuz I won’t this side of heaven.
And then I go back to rejoicing in God’s creation, and how every life is precious. I watch things like this (one of my favorites EVER!) to gain some perspective:
I. Love. Life.
And it doesn’t stop here.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Kohl’s did not compensate me in any way for my mention of them. All opinions are my own.
p.p.s. Baby E was cracking my up today with her singing and jabbering. She is such a delight.
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. Praise Jesus!
It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).
When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.
Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.
So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:
I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
I don’t mind doing dishes. This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well.
I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.
So this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!
Today is the day we who are still stuck here in this mortal coil will remember the day you were born. You would have been 56 today. Let me double check that on FB. Yup. I think I’m right. Reading the posts on your FB page shows so much about who you were, although I’m not sure if some of the commenters realize that you’ve gone home. Sometimes I don’t realize you’ve gone home.
Your wife and some of your kiddos went to your birthplace today. I wish we could have joined them. Things are so tough right now. Do you know that? are you interceding for us? How does that work? I wonder if you are weeping for us right now. But there’s no sadness in His presence, right? Well, I know you would have wept with us if you were here. Wept for your grandson who seems so far beyond our reach right now. Oh, Daddy, this is not what you would have wanted for us. Although, I’m trying desperately to hold onto God’s promises, it’s so hard to not feel beyond His reach sometimes. You had so many big dreams for me, and I’m terrified that all that is crashing down forever. I wonder if that’s why you were taken early, to save you from this heartache.
There is some joy though, Daddy. Baby E is such a ray of sunshine in this darkness. I told her a Tommy story as I rocked her to sleep last night. It was about you. I hope I can tell them to her for the rest of her life, or as long as she’ll let me, or as long as the Lord lets me. I want to be her mommy, Dad. I am wondering so often lately what God is doing, and He keeps challenging me more and more to lay everything, EVERYTHING on the altar. As I laid this precious baby girl in her cradle the other night I felt like Abraham laying Isaac on the altar, sacrificing her to you. My hands are as open as I know how, but this is the deepest heart struggle I’ve ever had.
Will you be proud of me? Oh, I hope so.
You would love her so much, Daddy. She has bright blue eyes, and the longest eye lashes you’ve ever seen on a baby. She smiles and the whole world stops to smile back. She loves your son-in-law. She has melted his heart and the Lord is using her to melt his fears, although fear is something there is so much of right now. She carries a supernatural joy about her. Seriously, this girl already has such a connection to the Spirit. I know that all cute babies attract attention, but we’ve never witnessed a child who draws people to her like Baby E does. I believe she is what you would have wanted for me; for our family. So we wait to see what God has planned, and try to trust. I am trying to trust.
Oh, I just thought of something! I should make pumpkin pie in your honor!
I still expect you to call me. I expected you to call me a remind me that it was getting close to your birthday. Funny. I actually remembered this year. I remember you telling me how your heart ached every year on your parents’ birthdays, and the anniversaries of their home-goings. I am starting to understand. This will be a long journey, won’t it? I feel so young right now, and your left so soon. I mean, obviously God knew what He was doing taking you home when He did, but I feel like I still had so much to learn from you. I needed to learn more about who I am, and you knew me so well. I know that this pushes me to learn that from my Heavenly Father, but I heard his voice so clearly when you spoke with His wisdom. My heart burns knowing that this journey is going to be so hard. Perseverance. Character. Hope. HARD!
I’m learning to hold onto Jesus, Dad. He won’t give up, right? He didn’t give up on you, and now you are seeing His face. Oh, how I want to see His face.
Anywho, Dad, I love you. I hope to see you soon. I’m looking to the East so much more often now.
I’m so sorry I have been so absent. I wouldn’t apologize except that I know that I get worried when I don’t hear from my blogger friends for a while.
So here’s the update:
Things are tough.
Jeremiah is at the psyche ward right now due to a week of chaos. Our simple hope is that he gets the hope he needs.
I am shell shocked. After days of “faking it” I finally broke down with Kaleb last night. We mourned over both our sons and their choices. We prayed loudly. We reassured each other as much as we could. We finally slept.
Now we wait.
Pray for us. We need help and support right now in ways we never have before.
Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.
He’s not here. That’s different.
Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.
It’s quiet. That’s different.
I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well, then I do nothing.
I’m rested. That’s different.
Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!
I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.
Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.
I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.
Gabe is fine. Now that he is 18 and making his own life choices, I will refrain from writing too much about him, other than how his choices are affecting me as his mom. Right now, I miss him and am not really sure how to be. Still working on that.
Jeremiah is really struggling. He’s been struggling for almost a month now. Daily. Icky, horrible, not fun! He’s deeply afraid of a lot of things, including himself, and loving me. Today, the fear was that he will have to leave. He shouted through tears that he “will not leave! Even if they drag (him) away!” It’s so hard for me to hear, and understand. I’m trying. I just don’t know how to respond to the constant-ness of all the behaviors.
Baby E is doing great after 3 days in the hospital due to a UTI. She spiked a fever Tuesday night, and after 4 hours of tests (until 5 AM) they admitted her. They kept her for 3 days, 2 even after the fever was gone, because there was a count that came back higher than they liked. So I caught up on naps, sort of. I was so glad to bring her back today. I missed that little face so much.
Hubby and his dad have been working very hard on our garden beds. For all you southerners, this must be a shock, but you see, it was below freezing last week. So, we are hoping for an Indian summer.
The menfolk are also working out a plan for our chicken coop. They chickies are full size, and happyily perching on their box. They need to get out of the garage. A dear friend gave us a coop, but it will have to be reconfigured a bit. I am so thankful for my father-in-law.
There is a new design for this blog coming! SO EXCITED! It was a total surprise from my beloved hubby. It’s gonna be Suh-WEET!
Praise Jesus!
