Right Now

Right now

I am not liking being Mom.

Right now

I am not liking my sons

Right now

I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.

Right now

I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.

Right now

I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a  baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.

Right now

I can’t do it anymore.

Right now

I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.

Right now

I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.

Right now

I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.

Right now

I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.

Right now

I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.

No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.

Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”

Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.

Blessings! (Of better days than this.)

Hannah

1 hour later

Right now

I am feeling calmer.

I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.

Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.

Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.

I just won wheel of fortune in my room.

I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.

4 Hours Later

Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.

I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.

I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.

Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.

Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.

But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.

Sneaky.

But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.

Survived.

And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.

I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.

Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Hits

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.*

Even when my father-in-law’s house burns down.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my father-in-law loses his job, and his business, after his house burns down.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my step-daddy has a heart attack while on the road.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my sister-in-law gets in her first car accident.

God reigned over the nations;
God was seated on his holy throne.

Even when my boys’ birth mothers chose to drink while pregnant. Even when they were abandoned….again…and again…

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my body fails me and I don’t feel like a real woman.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when I don’t know if I can handle another rage, or another lie, or another wish that I was not their mom.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Because. He. Is.

Because. He. IS.

Lord, you say that you know the plans you have for me, and that those plans are to prosper me, and not to harm me. You promise that you have plans to give me hope and a future. You promise, Lord, that when I call upon you, that you will answer me. That when I seek you with all my heart, I will find you.**

I know that, Lord. I do.

But I claim that for my family right now. Especially for my precious father-in-law and step-dad. You love them so much. I claim them for you. Right. Now. Touch their hearts. Be their strength when they run out. Be their healer. Be their peace.

Be their God.

Let it be.

Blessings!

Hannah

*Psalm 47:8

**from Jeremiah 29:11-12

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: faith, prayer, the hard stuff

My Blog Post of Bullet Points

• I am currently Listening to this song by Emerson Hart cuz a dear friend wanted to pass the message on to an old flame. I’ve only broken up with someone twice, and one of the men is now my husband, so the sentiment is not the same, but I can see why the lyrics rung so deeply with him.
• I was delightfully surprised today when a box arrived containing a W!!. Hubby knew I’ve been wanting one for a long time, especially the W!! Fit, which he got for me. YAY! I only played for a total of 47 minutes today and already burned about 400 calories, and it was so much fun. I also found out that Jeremiah has been playing it quite a bit at school, and that he CHEATS! HORRIBLY!!!
• I had even MORE fun playing catch with my sons in the back yard today. After two very chilly, windy days it was finally warm enough to play outside. Jeremiah is starting in Little League for the first time, so we needed to get some catch practice in. He is so naturally gifted in everything athletic. I played fast and slow-pitch softball for 11 years growing up, and I was fairly good, so I really enjoyed showing him the ropes. I was excited when I found out that even after about 6 years of not playing at all, it came back pretty naturally. Gabe did a fabulous job of not making himself the center of attention, which is something we’ve been struggling with lately. He encouraged Miah, but let me take the lead. Not one instance of know-it-all syndrome. YAY!!!! Gabe even played catcher for us while I taught Miah to pitch. He really could be a pitcher if he wanted to be. I think he could be any position, but he has really good accuracy in his throwing, so short stop or pitcher might be a good fit. We’ll see. He’s never played in a league before, but because he is already so good at hitting, catching, and throwing, the head coach put him in the Majors.
• The pups are 4 weeks old now, and their personalities are bigger than they are. I am so blessed that we have found homes for all of them already. 2-3 more weeks before they will go to their new homes.
• The only thing I DON’T like about the W!! Fit is that it tracks BMI. I HATE BMI!!!! Even my amazing nutrition professor in college told me that BMI is a bunch of HOOEY and that it has absolutely no accuracy in indicating someone’s health. The stupid thing placed me at 36, which is at the top of their obese scale. Now, I admit I am overweight, and my goal weight is to lose about 50 lbs, but I am NOWHERE NEAR MORBIDLY OBESE! I am 6’1″ and have a large frame, and the stupid thing says that my goal weight is 166 lbs. Yeah. I weighed that when I was 16 and ANOREXIC! You could see my ribs and collar bone for goodness sake. My sister Rachel, who is 5’10 and…well…a little more than 166 lbs  would be considered overweight by this thing. MY GORGEOUS, THIN, ACTIVE SISTER. So, that’s my rant about BMI, and the only thing I don’t like about the W!! Fit.
• I read this awesome post by Goggy about the uniqueness of the journey of the infertile couple, especially when they adopt. It really touched my heart and rang true with me. I will probably reflect more on that another time.
• The pups have been getting so much attention lately, I didn’t want my beautiful Juji bird to feel left out. So here is my beautiful Juji eating her favorite food, corn. She actually  loves to pose, and as I am writing this she is cuddling with my cheek. She’s such a joy, and a BIG trouble maker. Yesterday she hopped down on the floor and raced across the living room (with her famous crow hop) simply to attack Hubby’s feet. What a lovable stinker.

• Both my boys love video games, but especially Jeremiah. He has been willing to do just about anything, including  breaking and entering, to get just a few minutes of screen time. At bed time tonight he asked me I enjoyed playing my new game today. I told him that I had a lot of fun, but I had even more fun playing baseball with him. His eyes lit up and asked “Really? Why?” I told him that no video game could ever replace how much fun I have playing with my sons. He thought that was pretty cool, and because I know how much he loves video games, I know it meant a ton to him. In his prayers after that, he even called me his favorite Mommy. Awww.
• Be praying for both boys, as I know many of you do. Jeremiah is struggling every day with some major flashbacks, and his tantrums have been very violent and self destructive lately. Pray for his safety and that God’s peace and healing would reign over his mind, body, and spirit. He also had some blood work today to test his plalette levels as he’s been bruising really easily lately. A simple tickle fight leaves bruises on his ribs. It may just be his fair skin, but we wanted to be sure. They also checked his De*acote levels, as he’s been growing a ton and his doctor is concerned that it might be having an effect on these mood swings we’ve been seeing.
• Gabe is in some legal trouble right now that he needs lots of prayer cover for. Can’t go into details, but please pray for his heart and that God uses this as a character building time, and a time for us to speak life into him.

• Oh, YAY! Hubby is home for the next COUPLE OF MONTHS! SERIOUSLY! NO TRAVELING! It’s already making a huge differerence with the boys AND with Hubby. He’s so much happier now. YAY! That’s a huge answer to prayer. Not to mention I happen to kind of like the guy, and the extra hugs and kisses have been a huge mood booster for me.

Okay, enough bullets. I hope you enjoyed the update. I’m hoping that the beautiful weather will put me in writing mood this week. I have a lot on my heart, it just needs to make it’s way to my fingers.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, blogging, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, the critters, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Yay! Support!

We have a lot of professionals in our lives.

1 foster care worker

1 foster care intern

2 boys’ caseworkers

2 boys’ doctors

2 adoption workers

1 counselor

and now….1 parent support specialist!

Apparently there is this program in our county where DHS has parent support peeps to come out and help stressed out parents. We were referred by an awesome DHS person after some major trauma, and when he asked if I would be interested I told him abso-stinkin’-lutley! Anyone who is coming to SUPPORT ME is a plus.

So we had our first meeting today, and it went marvelously. The program is really flexible, so we can use the 2 hours a week however I need to . HOWEVER I NEED TO! If that’s working on resources and new ideas for discipline techniques, cool! If it’s me breaking down in a heap of tears to someone who doesn’t think I’m nutso, AWESOME! She’s mine! For 2 whole hours! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

The funny thing is that this program is through our licensing agency, who we’ve been working for/with for 6 years now, and our foster care worker didn’t tell me about it, which is really not like her. Maybe she just didn’t think it was necessary, I don’t know. But as much as I can’t wait to get all these caseworkers on their merry way, I don’t mind adding one more professional in for the moment. Especially this one.

YAY!

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, foster care, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Dear State People

Dear State People,

We haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you? Are you alive? My two sons are waiting anxiously to be forever ours, and the paperwork that will make that happen is somewhere in your inbox or outbox or hiding on your messy desk, so if you could PLEASE find it and get it taken care of ASAP. My 11 year old is especially having a hard time waiting, because he believes that it will never happen. That he is not worth it. That we will give up just like everyone else. Please help us prove him wrong. AS. SOON. AS. POSSIBLE!

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, RAD, the hard stuff

Restoration

Restoration

is hard.

God is healing in a mighty way,

but it’s the stripping away to get at the root kind of healing,

and it hurts.

It reminds me of Eustace, being stripped of his dragon-ness by Aslan’s claws.

Deep, penetrating, painful,

Euphoric, cleansing, freeing.

God, my Father God, makes and is making all things new,

and we must be ready for the journey.

He’s calling us to come further up and further in,

So here we go.

Here we go.

With Psalm 27 and Psalm 32 in our hearts and on our lips.

Here we go.

1 comment so far | Tags: Being set apart, faith, prayer, the hard stuff

Let’s start with today

Today was better. The first in 3 weeks without a tantrumming child.

I asked him why. He told me that when he saw how angry I was (and unfortunately I was very angry) he realized this was serious and he needed to stop playing games. I don’t like that anger is why today was better. I don’t like that at all. But I will accept the results with thankfulness and thank my Father for the grace to get to tomorrow.

And hopefully today will be the start to better.

Better would be good.

My daddy left a comment that he feels like God may use Zoe’s puppies (which are taking their sweet time to get here) to bring the breakthrough we need for Jeremiah. I can see God doing something like that. I know that puppies make MY heart smile, maybe they will help my boy’s heart to smile too. Maybe he will see what a mother’s love is like and take it in for himself.

Miah gets to hang with me tomorrow, and my bestest friends and God children are coming over, so I am really looking forward to that. Really really really. We are going to eat spinach carrot brownies and love on each other with prayer and support. It’s my favorite part of the week.

Thank you so much to all of you who are lifting our family up. God is using your prayers. Keep ‘em coming.

Blessings!

Hannah

No comments yet | Tags: behavior challenges, faith, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Please pray

For break through.

We need a break through for Jeremiah. Desperately.

I am so tired.

He is not happy and does not feel safe.

Ditto for me.

We need a break through.

Please pray for laughter to be brought back into this house. Real true laughter. Joy laughter. God filled JOY laughter.

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, RAD, the hard stuff

This is

Hard,

but worth it.

Jeremiah stole again. The same thing he always steals, but he crossed a boundary this time…our bedroom door. Not. Cool. He honestly didn’t think he’d get caught…..for the (not exaggerating) 20th+ time.

I lost my temper.

Hubby lost his temper.

Jeremiah was terrified.

We were too.

Could we do this? Really? For another 9 years?

We apologized. He apologized. We forgave each other.

I told him again what he needs to hear. I love him. No. Matter. What. He did the lie detector test on me. He believed me, for now.

His adoption fears are overwhelming him, simply because he doesn’t understand what it means, really. He also believes he doesn’t deserve it, or that we aren’t the right family. The finality freaks him out, because it’s not here yet. We still don’t have a date.

Daddy held him. Stroked his head. Whispered love into him.

Mommy tucked him in. Whispered prayers, desperate prayers, over him.

He slept.

And we had a great day today. That kind of scares me. Does the good have to be precursed by the bad?

Gabe was grumpy this morning. I joked with the boys that they had a secret meeting and decided that it was Gabe’s turn to be grumpy and disrespectful. Jeremiah said that they held the secret meeting in their dreams. I thought that was creative.

Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. And if you see me in Wal-Ma*t, give me a hug.

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, faith, marriage, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff

Pushin’ Through and Pizza

It’s been a very tough few days.

Jeremiah has been tantruming at levels of anger I have never seen before. And it’s all directed at me. His anger and viciousness, especially with his words, have really shocked me.

I am so thankful that our Nancy Thomas DVD’s came in at the beginning of the month, cuz they have really helped. Without them, I think I would have felt completely helpless.

I must say that I did fairly well. I did not lose my temper, did not yell, did not physically lose control, stayed in presence of mind, spoke to him softly with as much love and sincerity that I could muster.

Wednesday, the rage resulted in a game of hide and seek, outside and in, that resulted in a handsome, but naive, State Trooper in our home giving Miah a serious talking too….that did nothing. The rage continued for over an hour after he left. Miah eventually calmed, but never regulated. Even at bed time he was still doing his best to show me that he was in control and that he would disrespect me as long as he pleased.  He was not successful in that endeavor.

Yesterday, I was tired. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before and needed the morning to spend with two of my best friends and their precious little ones. I needed it so badly. They spoke into my heart, and I left feeling full.

Which was good, cuz soon I would be empty again.

The rage started about 4, after our new (#3) adoption worker came and left. Apparently he didn’t get enough of her attention and decided it was my fault.

He calmed for about an hour, which seems to be a pattern, but he was never really regulated. He started right up again as soon as he got an instruction he didn’t care for. He’d had enough of Mama.

After 2 more hours of raging I needed some help, and Hubby was on his way home from A Town. I called a friend who has worked with Miah before, and is thankfully only a couple of minutes away. She came and hung out while I got some water and mindlessly played my addiction game while praying for wisdom…and for Hubby to get home soon.

He did.

He rescued me.

He told Miah in no uncertain terms that this kind of disrespect of Mama would NOT be tolerated.

He stood up for me in a way that I couldn’t do myself. And it made all the difference…to me. We’ll see what happens with Miah today. Hubby wants him to rage today, just to try it when Dad is around. I doubt it will happen.

Now, the question I get a lot is “Why is Miah doing this?” Excellent question. We broke it down into percentages last night, and it goes something like this:

-10% Trying to prove that Mom and Dad love him  no matter what. Or rather, trying to prove that we are going to give up on him.

-90% Trying to make us pay when Jeremiah does not get what he wants, because he wants to do what he wants to do. Those are his words.

That’s all we know.

Today is a new day.

And I just got a call from the florist. Hubby is sending me flowers.

Blessings!

Hannah

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff