And I’m still thankful…on purpose.

It’s been tough.

I failed at the thankfulness countdown.

More trauma.

The babe might be moved soon.

Too soon.

We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.

Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.

Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?

It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.

It’s hard to breathe.

This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.

My friend Eileen said it so well.

“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”

But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.

But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.

Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”

Somehow.

But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.

And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.

We need our suddenly.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Trauma has given me….

Well, I’ll get to that.

I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.

I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.

She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.

AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:

“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”

I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really  know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)

But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.

But I’m learning.

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. Praise Jesus!

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Who is this Hannah person again?

I’m finally starting to feel like the real me.

It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).

When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.

Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.

So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

• I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
• I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
• I don’t mind doing dishes. This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well.
• I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
• I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.

So  this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!

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Humble

I had to apologize today…

for being young, and naive, and head strong;

for not seeing the signs, even when people tried to tell me;

for letting love…or was it pride…blind my eyes.

I had to say I’m sorry…

for getting angry over what I knew was true,

but didn’t want to be true,

and now is so true that my windows are at risk of things flying them. And he’s not even here.

So hopefully my ears are hearing better now,

and wisdom has found a few more nooks and crannies to invade,

and bitterness will stay away.

Hopefully I can still have words of hope and encouragement for others,

and maybe even help them hear.

What are you doing, God?

Oh. That.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Just an update

I’m so sorry I have been so absent. I wouldn’t apologize except that I know that I get worried when I don’t hear from my blogger friends for a while.

So here’s the update:

Things are tough.

Jeremiah is at the psyche ward right now due to a week of chaos. Our simple hope is that he gets the hope he needs.

I am shell shocked. After days of “faking it” I finally broke down with Kaleb last night. We mourned over both our sons and their choices. We prayed loudly. We reassured each other as much as we could. We finally slept.

Now we wait.

Pray for us. We need help and support right now in ways we never have before.

The adventure continues. There is still hope.

Blessings!

Hannah

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My week of different

This week has been very different.

Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.

He’s not here. That’s different.

Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.

It’s quiet. That’s different.

I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well,  then I do nothing.

I’m rested. That’s different.

Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!

I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.

Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.

I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.

Breakthrough. That would be different.

Blessings!

Hannah

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This week…

This week I hope that…

• My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
• Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
• I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
• The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
• Hubby gets a  specific phone call that he wants to get.
• I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
• Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
• Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
• I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!

Blessings!

Hannah

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Updates in Bullet Points

• Gabe is fine. Now that he is 18 and making his own life choices, I will refrain from writing too much about him, other than how his choices are affecting me as his mom. Right now, I miss him and am not really sure how to be. Still working on that.
• Jeremiah is really struggling. He’s been struggling for almost a month now. Daily. Icky, horrible, not fun! He’s deeply afraid of a lot of things, including himself, and loving me. Today, the fear was that he will have to leave. He shouted through tears that he “will not leave! Even if they drag (him) away!” It’s so hard for me to hear, and understand. I’m trying. I just don’t know how to respond to the constant-ness of all the behaviors.
• Baby E is doing great after 3 days in the hospital due to a UTI.  She spiked a fever Tuesday night, and after 4 hours of tests (until 5 AM) they admitted her. They kept her for 3 days, 2 even after the fever was gone, because there was a count that came back higher than they liked. So I caught up on naps, sort of. I was so glad to bring her back today. I missed that little face so much.
• Hubby and his dad have been working very hard on our garden beds. For all you southerners, this must be a shock, but you see, it was below freezing last week. So, we are hoping for an Indian summer.
• The menfolk are also working out a plan for our chicken coop. They chickies are full size, and happyily perching on their box. They need to get out of the garage. A dear friend gave us a coop, but it will have to be reconfigured a bit. I am so thankful for my father-in-law.
• There is a new design for this blog coming! SO EXCITED! It was a total surprise from my beloved hubby. It’s gonna be Suh-WEET!

TTFN

Blessings!

Hannah

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Don’t know how today

2 Corinthians 2:5-11

^“5 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. ⁶ The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. ⁷ Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. ⁸ I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. ⁹ Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. ¹⁰ Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, ¹¹ in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

Chewing on this right now. I’m having to do some forgiving, and I’m not feeling strong enough to do it at the moment.

And then he does MORE.

His lack of conscience shakes me to the core. I just don’t know how to handle this today. Don’t know how to respond.

But I’m NOT GIVING UP!

OY!

Blessings!

Hannah

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More Baby E, and some Hope for Jeremiah…Hopefully.

I went to visit Baby E again today. She was sleeping when I arrived, so I scooped her up and rocked her, singing and singing. She never stirred besides a few grunts and groans. I love that little face. She seems very peaceful. The nurse said she had a good day and that she is eating really well. She spits up a little, but no reflux, so that’s good. I only stayed about an hour, because she was sleeping, but I know her basic schedule now, so hopefully next time I go (tomorrow?) she will be awake and we will get to chat some more. Did I mention that I love that little face?

I got a present from my dear friend Sherry today. She asked me if I wanted to wait till my shower, and I said “It depends!” She thought it would something I could use right away, so she went out to the car and got it, made me close my eyes, and then TAH DAH! A wet bag and a portable changing station. YAY! Loot! I have such beautiful, giving friends.  I love hanging out with them so much. They are truly like sisters.

Anywho, the journey continues. I can’t wait to get the precious girl home.

In the meantime, we are really seeing some regression with Jeremiah. His Psychiatrist took him off of his mood stabilizer about 3 weeks ago, and it has really been a tough time here. He is obsessing over his behavior, and then making the same mistakes/bad decisions over and over and over. And the self-hatred absolutely breaks my heart. I cried at the doctor’s office today, and told Dr. C. that I just can’t stand seeing him feel so hopeless.

Dr. C. said that he is displaying a lot of obsessive symptoms, some that I didn’t even realize he was experiencing, like obsessing over object position. The perfectionism I HAVE noticed. Basically, he feels like if he can’t be perfect, than he might as well purposely mess up, because he is, he feels, perfect at that.

So, he is back on his mood stabilizer (hallelujah!) as well as an anti-depressant, which I thought ab*lify was, but I was wrong. That’s another mood stabilizer. So, we will hopefully start seeing some light for him, as we are all quite tired of this darkness.

Peace be the journey.
Blessings!

Hannah

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