We made it! :)

Dear Son,

Today you turned 18. We made it!  All those nights of crying over you, praying over you, and convincing you and ourselves that we would not give up have paid off. We made it! I am thankful to say that every day gets better.

Who knew that when I was only 8 years old, you were created in your mother’s womb, and one day you would be MY son?

God did.

Who knew that a summer teaching job would lead to the promised motherhood I had been hoping for? Who knew that what the world might see as a random meeting, a random conversation, an odd connection, God would use to make a family, and bring hope to a hopeless child?

God did.

I remember that conversation on that cloudy mountain. I remember your tears and your verbalized hopes and fears for the future. Who would take a chance on a 15 year-old boy who had already been deemed a lost case by the ones he called his parents for 13 years? Who would dare or risk to love a damaged adolescent when he would age out soon enough?

God would.

We would, because he brought you to us.

And you are becoming a man; growing every day in ways that neither you nor we expected; surprising us in the best ways.

Bumps are just bumps, and no longer Mount Everest.

Son, I appreciate you so much. You are a hard worker and such a big help to your mama. (And yes, I am freaking out that I am 26 and am experiencing the first pangs of empty nest syndrome!) You are cuddly when you need to be, and strong when it matters most. I feel safe with you around because I always know that you will step up if I need you.

What I want for you this year is to see you grow into the man that your heavenly Father has called you, created you, and named you to be. I am praying that God will reveal that vision that He has for you to you so clearly that every step you take is toward Him and what He has for you. I want to see you continue to be brave and allow God’s healing to flow in you. I want you to realize and BELIEVE what an amazing, resilient, and intelligent son I have.

My precious Yishai, I love you. I am so glad that God brought you into my life. I am so glad that you are my first born, and I am so blessed to be called your mama. You are truly my gift.

Love forever,

and ever,

Your Mama

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, Being set apart, Family Traditions, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

About Faith, Trust, and Babies

I love a good discussion with intelligent people who actually listen, process, and then share their thoughts and opinions. Two such discussions with good friends have got my mind and heart pondering again.

Do I really trust the Lord with my fertility? Do I really believe that my husband’s and my baby-making is a faith issue?

Yes to both.

Do I trust? Well, I try to, and most of the time I succeed, although the current, and seemingly ongoing baby boom on over charge happening in my friend community challenges that on a daily basis.  It makes it difficult to truly know that my God is God, even over my ovaries.

My Friend, JP, says that our planet is over populated, which I think he needs to do a little more research into, but all I know is that God not only gave us sperm and eggs, but he directs their course. I 100% believe that. There is no person ever conceived or born that God did not know or desire to be here. If I don’t believe that, then I could be led to believe that my boys were simply mistakes because their mothers did not have access or knowledge of birth control. My boys are not mistakes, accidents, or anything of the like. God intended them to be here, regardless of the unfortunate circumstances of their arrival, due to our sinful, fallen world.

Just as my boys conception in their mothers’ wombs were not a mistake, also the lack of conception in my womb is not a mistake.

God knows what He is doing, even when I have absolutley NO CLUE!

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Being set apart, infertility, marriage, prayer, the hard stuff

Just me and the boys. I can do it! Right?

Well, let’s see.

2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..

We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.

It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!

Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, family fun, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

In Words

Not sure really how to explain this. It may sound arrogant, or horrible. Not sure.

I’ve been realizing the past couple of weeks that I’m not perfect.

No. Really.

I know you all know I’m not. And I’ve known it too. It’s just that sometimes I feel like this life is all a movie playing out in front of me, and that if I just follow the script, or push the right buttons things will just turn out right. Play out the way that they are supposed too.

I suppose my belief in God, my faith, has added to this strange concept for me. My husband has said of me recently that I am oddly covered with an amazing grace for others. I don’t get offended too easily, because….well…actually I don’t understand it. People who are close to me have said and done some pretty horrible things to me, but I am usually, oddly unphased. Usually. I should be mad. Crazy hurt, mad. But I’m not.

I’ve been working on this post for 3 days now. I am still not quite understanding what my heart wants to get out.

I explained to Hubby that it’s like every part of who I am is being challenged, and I feel like I’m losing each and every challenge.

In my heart, it feels like this:

Wife- Failing. Don’t know why I feel this way except that my hubby is incredibly stressed out and I am helpless to help him.

Mother- Failing. I’ve been losing my temper much more often than I prefer. I read how things are supposed to be done, and know quite clearly that I don’t measure up.

Woman- Nope. Still can’t make those babies. I realized today that I haven’t had a cycle in two months now. Great. Yup. Can’t even do that. (Sounds silly, doesn’t it. Oh well. That’s how hearts work sometimes.)

Sister- Failing. I don’t know my role in my sister’s life lately. It’s so complicated.

Daughter- Besides being WAY to far away, and seemingly helpless with all the drama and trauma that’s been occuring recently, this is the one area I at least understand how to be.

Worshipper- Yup, been failing at that too. My faith and reliance in God is probably the strongest that it’s ever been, simply out of necessity. But my discipline SUCKS! I keep WANTING to do more, pray more, read more. I want to study and memorize and soak. I can’t seem to get out of the Psalms, and the same ones over and over. Not that that’s bad, but I want MORE. Even in my ambition to train up the boys,  I’m failing. I can’t rely on my memory forever. Especially  not lately. I’m so tired, and worshipping my Lord, which should be the most essential, energizing thing, seems to be the thing requiring the greatest energy and strength. Can’t do it. Not well at least.

So now I will be teaching in the fall. Kindergarten and preschool to be precise. And I’m terrified. This is a gift that God has clearly given me since I was a little girl, and now I’m terrified that this part of my identity too will be challenged, and that I will fail. Miserably.

Then what will I have left?

See, there’s where the whining comes in.

Good days. Bad days. I understand that they will comes as they will.

I just need to push through this wall somehow.

Somehow.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, faith, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

Hits

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.*

Even when my father-in-law’s house burns down.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my father-in-law loses his job, and his business, after his house burns down.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my step-daddy has a heart attack while on the road.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my sister-in-law gets in her first car accident.

God reigned over the nations;
God was seated on his holy throne.

Even when my boys’ birth mothers chose to drink while pregnant. Even when they were abandoned….again…and again…

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when my body fails me and I don’t feel like a real woman.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Even when I don’t know if I can handle another rage, or another lie, or another wish that I was not their mom.

God reigns over the nations;
God is seated on his holy throne.

Because. He. Is.

Because. He. IS.

Lord, you say that you know the plans you have for me, and that those plans are to prosper me, and not to harm me. You promise that you have plans to give me hope and a future. You promise, Lord, that when I call upon you, that you will answer me. That when I seek you with all my heart, I will find you.**

I know that, Lord. I do.

But I claim that for my family right now. Especially for my precious father-in-law and step-dad. You love them so much. I claim them for you. Right. Now. Touch their hearts. Be their strength when they run out. Be their healer. Be their peace.

Be their God.

Let it be.

Blessings!

Hannah

*Psalm 47:8

**from Jeremiah 29:11-12

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: faith, prayer, the hard stuff

Baseball and bad attitudes.

First, some good news.

Got an important call from an important State Trooper saying that an important legal matter of Gabe’s was being dropped. YAY! Thank you for all of you who were praying, even when you didn’t know what you were praying about.

Jeremiah has his first baseball game tomorrow. YAY! I am beyond excited….for him….and for me. I’m just loving being able to say “That’s my son!”He’s really doing well, and I’m hoping this is something he falls in love with and succeeds at. He needs some succeeding.

Unfortunately, we are in horrible need of rain, and it looks like God will be answering our moisture prayers tomorrow night. YUCK! Yay, God for the rain! I’m just hoping it comes the rest of the day, and stops around 5:00.

Now. What to do with a certain 17-year-old’s bad attitude. An attitude that has recently earned him 4 extra weeks of restriction. We saw something very similar happen last spring, so we are thinking possible trauma-versary. I’m just hoping that we can reach his heart before this goes too far.

Oh! And if you are praying, and I hope you are, please be praying that Jeremiah’s subsidy paperwork comes through ASAP. His consent to adoption came through 2 weeks ago, and Gabe’s consent and subsidy came through, like, 6 weeks ago, so we are just waiting on Miah’s. Our adoption worker 3.0 is bugging the worker incessantly, so I’m hoping we hear any day now.

Only 3 weeks of school left. Huh? Okay. Gotta figure that out too.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, parenting, prayer, RAD

My Blog Post of Bullet Points

• I am currently Listening to this song by Emerson Hart cuz a dear friend wanted to pass the message on to an old flame. I’ve only broken up with someone twice, and one of the men is now my husband, so the sentiment is not the same, but I can see why the lyrics rung so deeply with him.
• I was delightfully surprised today when a box arrived containing a W!!. Hubby knew I’ve been wanting one for a long time, especially the W!! Fit, which he got for me. YAY! I only played for a total of 47 minutes today and already burned about 400 calories, and it was so much fun. I also found out that Jeremiah has been playing it quite a bit at school, and that he CHEATS! HORRIBLY!!!
• I had even MORE fun playing catch with my sons in the back yard today. After two very chilly, windy days it was finally warm enough to play outside. Jeremiah is starting in Little League for the first time, so we needed to get some catch practice in. He is so naturally gifted in everything athletic. I played fast and slow-pitch softball for 11 years growing up, and I was fairly good, so I really enjoyed showing him the ropes. I was excited when I found out that even after about 6 years of not playing at all, it came back pretty naturally. Gabe did a fabulous job of not making himself the center of attention, which is something we’ve been struggling with lately. He encouraged Miah, but let me take the lead. Not one instance of know-it-all syndrome. YAY!!!! Gabe even played catcher for us while I taught Miah to pitch. He really could be a pitcher if he wanted to be. I think he could be any position, but he has really good accuracy in his throwing, so short stop or pitcher might be a good fit. We’ll see. He’s never played in a league before, but because he is already so good at hitting, catching, and throwing, the head coach put him in the Majors.
• The pups are 4 weeks old now, and their personalities are bigger than they are. I am so blessed that we have found homes for all of them already. 2-3 more weeks before they will go to their new homes.
• The only thing I DON’T like about the W!! Fit is that it tracks BMI. I HATE BMI!!!! Even my amazing nutrition professor in college told me that BMI is a bunch of HOOEY and that it has absolutely no accuracy in indicating someone’s health. The stupid thing placed me at 36, which is at the top of their obese scale. Now, I admit I am overweight, and my goal weight is to lose about 50 lbs, but I am NOWHERE NEAR MORBIDLY OBESE! I am 6’1″ and have a large frame, and the stupid thing says that my goal weight is 166 lbs. Yeah. I weighed that when I was 16 and ANOREXIC! You could see my ribs and collar bone for goodness sake. My sister Rachel, who is 5’10 and…well…a little more than 166 lbs  would be considered overweight by this thing. MY GORGEOUS, THIN, ACTIVE SISTER. So, that’s my rant about BMI, and the only thing I don’t like about the W!! Fit.
• I read this awesome post by Goggy about the uniqueness of the journey of the infertile couple, especially when they adopt. It really touched my heart and rang true with me. I will probably reflect more on that another time.
• The pups have been getting so much attention lately, I didn’t want my beautiful Juji bird to feel left out. So here is my beautiful Juji eating her favorite food, corn. She actually  loves to pose, and as I am writing this she is cuddling with my cheek. She’s such a joy, and a BIG trouble maker. Yesterday she hopped down on the floor and raced across the living room (with her famous crow hop) simply to attack Hubby’s feet. What a lovable stinker.

• Both my boys love video games, but especially Jeremiah. He has been willing to do just about anything, including  breaking and entering, to get just a few minutes of screen time. At bed time tonight he asked me I enjoyed playing my new game today. I told him that I had a lot of fun, but I had even more fun playing baseball with him. His eyes lit up and asked “Really? Why?” I told him that no video game could ever replace how much fun I have playing with my sons. He thought that was pretty cool, and because I know how much he loves video games, I know it meant a ton to him. In his prayers after that, he even called me his favorite Mommy. Awww.
• Be praying for both boys, as I know many of you do. Jeremiah is struggling every day with some major flashbacks, and his tantrums have been very violent and self destructive lately. Pray for his safety and that God’s peace and healing would reign over his mind, body, and spirit. He also had some blood work today to test his plalette levels as he’s been bruising really easily lately. A simple tickle fight leaves bruises on his ribs. It may just be his fair skin, but we wanted to be sure. They also checked his De*acote levels, as he’s been growing a ton and his doctor is concerned that it might be having an effect on these mood swings we’ve been seeing.
• Gabe is in some legal trouble right now that he needs lots of prayer cover for. Can’t go into details, but please pray for his heart and that God uses this as a character building time, and a time for us to speak life into him.

• Oh, YAY! Hubby is home for the next COUPLE OF MONTHS! SERIOUSLY! NO TRAVELING! It’s already making a huge differerence with the boys AND with Hubby. He’s so much happier now. YAY! That’s a huge answer to prayer. Not to mention I happen to kind of like the guy, and the extra hugs and kisses have been a huge mood booster for me.

Okay, enough bullets. I hope you enjoyed the update. I’m hoping that the beautiful weather will put me in writing mood this week. I have a lot on my heart, it just needs to make it’s way to my fingers.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, blogging, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, the critters, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Restoration

Restoration

is hard.

God is healing in a mighty way,

but it’s the stripping away to get at the root kind of healing,

and it hurts.

It reminds me of Eustace, being stripped of his dragon-ness by Aslan’s claws.

Deep, penetrating, painful,

Euphoric, cleansing, freeing.

God, my Father God, makes and is making all things new,

and we must be ready for the journey.

He’s calling us to come further up and further in,

So here we go.

Here we go.

With Psalm 27 and Psalm 32 in our hearts and on our lips.

Here we go.

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Being set apart, faith, prayer, the hard stuff

Praying for Haiti

Hoping for those who are losing hope.

Thanking God for those who are safe.

Asking our Father to be with His children.

Claiming PEACE in Jesus’ name. Peace over even the very earth they stand on.

Waiting on how the Lord will bring His good, even out of this tragedy.

Holding on to His promises.

Join with me. Pray for Haiti.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: faith, prayer

And so it goes

Tomorrow I get my blood drawn to test hormones and such. I have to take the boys with cuz Rachel has to work. I’m hoping we can have a pleasant day and that Miah will hold it together long enough to let me have some fun with him.

I just found out that another friend is pregnant. If you’re keeping track, that’s….. A LOT! I’m trying to not get emotional about it, but it’s not easy. Hubby Person has no idea what to do or say. I’m still praying for his heart in this matter as well.

We have implemented an additional motivational plan to help remind Jeremiah to tell the truth. I’m hoping it will work for more than 1 day.

Gabe is having a hard time taking responsibility for his actions, but that is a battle we are always fighting. He actually told me what was bothering him tonight, which is a miracle in itself. I’m trying to learn to praise him more, because he really is doing well right now, we are just working on detail stuff.

God is working on my heart something serious. I’m not sure right now what His voice is speaking to me, but I’m trying to hear Him. I want to know His heart so badly.

YAY! Daddy, Step-Mama, and Lil’ Sis are coming TOMORROW! They were delayed by the big blizzard, but they are finally able to come. YAY! The boys, especially Jeremiah, are incredibly excited.

Now I have to figure out what I am going to cook this week. We’ve been surviving off of leftovers for a week now.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, faith, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, the hard stuff