Transition

I’m sorry I’ve been quiet again.

My heart is hurting and I want so badly to write about it, but I can’t. Everything is just to confidential and sensitive.

Things are changing. Big time changing.

Like…. I don’t know what God is doing, but I hope this season is coming to an end and the next is full of all kinds of joy….kind of changing.

One thing that has my heart in a vice is that Baby E will be moving on after Christmas. We thought we might have the opportunity to make her ours forever, we fought for it, but it just wasn’t meant to be….apparently. The family she will be going to has her older two sisters as well, and they are  an amazing family. They love Jesus, and they will raise her up in the right way. If I could pick a family to take care of my precious girl, they would be it….but they  just aren’t us.

Hubby is crushed. We both are. It comes in waves. Every time she smiles at us it makes it worse. It feels like our joy is leaving.

Okay, Lord. I know. You want to be our joy. But this still hurts.

Too much mourning in too little time. Too much loss. Too much change.

So what’s next? The challenge for me is going to be to rest and wait and try not to jump into something to try to fill these holes I am feeling. The holes are in my identity. Who am I now? What am I here for? How do I wait effectively? How do I allow myself to be healed? How can Kaleb and I heal together?

Lots of questions. No easy answers.

So there you go.

Be patient with me.

Blessings!

Hannah

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And I’m still thankful…on purpose.

It’s been tough.

I failed at the thankfulness countdown.

More trauma.

The babe might be moved soon.

Too soon.

We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.

Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.

Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?

It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.

It’s hard to breathe.

This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.

My friend Eileen said it so well.

“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”

But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.

But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.

Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”

Somehow.

But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.

And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.

We need our suddenly.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Humble

I had to apologize today…

for being young, and naive, and head strong;

for not seeing the signs, even when people tried to tell me;

for letting love…or was it pride…blind my eyes.

I had to say I’m sorry…

for getting angry over what I knew was true,

but didn’t want to be true,

and now is so true that my windows are at risk of things flying them. And he’s not even here.

So hopefully my ears are hearing better now,

and wisdom has found a few more nooks and crannies to invade,

and bitterness will stay away.

Hopefully I can still have words of hope and encouragement for others,

and maybe even help them hear.

What are you doing, God?

Oh. That.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Promise

I will be back;

And we will be glad, you and I,

because that means that we have survived.

In the mean time, we pray, you and I,

and hold onto His promises.

I promise.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Just an update

I’m so sorry I have been so absent. I wouldn’t apologize except that I know that I get worried when I don’t hear from my blogger friends for a while.

So here’s the update:

Things are tough.

Jeremiah is at the psyche ward right now due to a week of chaos. Our simple hope is that he gets the hope he needs.

I am shell shocked. After days of “faking it” I finally broke down with Kaleb last night. We mourned over both our sons and their choices. We prayed loudly. We reassured each other as much as we could. We finally slept.

Now we wait.

Pray for us. We need help and support right now in ways we never have before.

The adventure continues. There is still hope.

Blessings!

Hannah

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My week of different

This week has been very different.

Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.

He’s not here. That’s different.

Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.

It’s quiet. That’s different.

I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well,  then I do nothing.

I’m rested. That’s different.

Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!

I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.

Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.

I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.

Breakthrough. That would be different.

Blessings!

Hannah

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This week…

This week I hope that…

• My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
• Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
• I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
• The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
• Hubby gets a  specific phone call that he wants to get.
• I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
• Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
• Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
• I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!

Blessings!

Hannah

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Don’t know how today

2 Corinthians 2:5-11

^“5 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. ⁶ The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. ⁷ Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. ⁸ I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. ⁹ Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. ¹⁰ Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, ¹¹ in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.”

Chewing on this right now. I’m having to do some forgiving, and I’m not feeling strong enough to do it at the moment.

And then he does MORE.

His lack of conscience shakes me to the core. I just don’t know how to handle this today. Don’t know how to respond.

But I’m NOT GIVING UP!

OY!

Blessings!

Hannah

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For the strongest women

Lord, tonight I pray for the strongest women you have made. The ones that are struggling with things only women understand…and you of coarse.

Lord, I pray for my friend whose heart is hurting. The baby girl that was promised to her will not be coming home with her, unless you intervene. She feels cheated and betrayed, and yet she knows that the birth mother is making this choice out of love. But it still hurts. Comfort her heart. Thank you that you have perfect plans for their family.

Lord, I pray for the mama of our sweet Baby E. Lord, I know her heart must be breaking over the consequences of her decisions. Comfort her. Restore her. Draw her to you. Help her be the mama you have made her to be.

Lord, I pray for my sweet friend whose heart is anxious over the life in her womb. There are so many questions. Heal her body, Lord. Heal her heart. Show her more of you than she ever knew possible. Show her your faithfulness. Show her your mercy. Give her friends and family words of encouragement straight from your heart, and help us keep quiet in love when there is nothing that needs to be said.

You are amazing, God. You are. Draw close to us.

Amen and Amen.

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Today

My heart hurts for him today.

He’s trying so hard…

to give up,

To be worth giving up on,

To give us no choice but to give up.

He’s trying so hard

To make sure he gets absolutely nothing good

nothing enjoyable.

He is sure

Absolutely SURE

that in my heart

I hate him

that in my heart

I want to squish him like a bug.

My heart cries for his healing today,

believing in our healer

to heal my son’s heart.

Believing in our provider

to give my son the BEST.

Believing in our comforter

to comfort my heart as it cries for him.

Blessings!

Hannah

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