Right Now

Right now

I am not liking being Mom.

Right now

I am not liking my sons

Right now

I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.

Right now

I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.

Right now

I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a  baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.

Right now

I can’t do it anymore.

Right now

I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.

Right now

I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.

Right now

I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.

Right now

I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.

Right now

I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.

No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.

Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”

Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.

Blessings! (Of better days than this.)

Hannah

1 hour later

Right now

I am feeling calmer.

I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.

Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.

Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.

I just won wheel of fortune in my room.

I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.

4 Hours Later

Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.

I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.

I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.

Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.

Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.

But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.

Sneaky.

But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.

Survived.

And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.

I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.

Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Just some more bullet points

• It’s been rough. I’m frustrated because I feel like all I’ve been able to write about lately is how rough it’s been. I’m having trouble remembering the amazing good things that really do go on because the trauma of the….traumatic things seem to wash them out of my brain. I apologize for that. You see, not wanting to come off as a whiner has made me fearful of writing anything…so I don’t. I don’t like that.
• In response to the above, as well as my husband’s prodding to develop and utilize my creative writing gifts, I am setting a personal goal for myself to write at least 2 short stories a week. I will try to share as many as those as I can. I recently came upon some old stories and poems that I penned in high school. I think it would be fun to share those as well.
• As a birthday present, my amazingly gifted geek (aka Hubby) is helping me fix some of these blog bugs that I am frustrated with. The biggest issues that I want to fix are:
  • Being able to link series’ of posts together is currently very cumbersome. I want it to be easy to follow story lines and find answers to questions that fall under specific topics.
  • I need a better way to display and organize my short stories in safe ways.
  • I want the blog to look a lot more friendly and Hannah-ish.
  • Suggestions?
• The boys and I still have a week left in Minnesota. It’s been an adventure….hence the “Without Daddy Adventures.” We had a bonfire tonight since it was the first night sense we’ve been here without massive westward winds. After some sausage mishaps, I finally had the light bulb moment to use the cast iron skillet my papa got at an estate auction last year. YAY! It worked wonderfully.
• I’ve really been enjoying Lauraine Snelling’s Red River series lately. I love historical fiction, especially that era. Plus that series, as well as many of her other books, are about people with Norwegian ancestry, of which I am. Something about the late 1800′s on the prairie fascinates me. I think I would have made a good pioneer woman. I’ve definitely got the hips for it. Although it would definitely be harder to be an infertile woman in that era, but I often wonder if that would have been an issue for me without all these environmental contributors that we have today. Wow! That could totally turn into another post.
• It’s Hubby’s and my marriage anniversary today. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. Yes! That one! The first one! The real one! We were so young, and “stupid” as my hubby said earlier today, but we’ve made it! And we are so glad that we’ve come this far. We’re stronger now than I ever imagined. He’s my love.
• Goodness sakes I miss his smell right now.
• Oh! Like I said, we had a bonfire tonight, but I totally didn’t take any pictures. I’ve been finding out lately I’m very bad at that part of mommy-ing because I am usually way to caught up  in the moment to think of grabbing the camera until it’s over and I realize I would have really liked pictures. Oh well.
• Did I mention I love my husband? Like LOTS! And I miss him so crazy much it literrally aches, especially today. I am in desperate need of some lovin’. I’m used to like a bazillion hugs and kisses a day, and the most affection I’ve been getting lately is from my bird.
• God has really been pulling me into Him lately for all the reasons above. So many things wrecking me day and night. I just wish I could discipline myself to hide in Him more. Learning.
• Oh! Last but not least…I need comments! Like seriously! I know that more people than my dad and friends Amanda and Christine read my blog, so PLEASE let me know you are there. If you read a post and don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. At least say “Hey! I read your blog!”  K? K.

TTFN

Tah tah for now!

Blessings!

Hannah

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, blogging, family fun, marriage, parenting, The SAHM Adventure

Stories from the “Without Daddy Adventures”

So the boys and I are officially on our own in Northern MN for the next 10 days. We dropped the parentals and lil’ sis off at the Minneapolis airport early Sunday morning after driving through the night. Now we are back up north, enjoying the quit.

But….

The past the days have been full of all kinds of stories. Here are the highlights that I will do my best to expand upon.

• If you are kind and polite, even at 3:30 PM, people will do their best, even go out of their way to help you. This is a lesson I want my boys to see over and over and over again.
• The Mall of America is not nearly as intimidating as I remember.
• Blessing my boys with fun times with mama unconditionally was totally and completely AMAZING! BUT Jeremiah can not handle good things YET (I say with hope), and I definitely paid for it later.
• Beating my boys, especially Gabe, at cards is SO MUCH FUN!!!!
• Gabe will never be a taxi driver or professional navigator. But we got our pizza eventually.
• A friendly Israeli + Dead Sea salt scrub + 2 boys + ADHD = A mama nearly peeing her pants laughing. (“MOM! MY HANDS HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS SOFT!!!”)
• Even Jerome gets sick of pizza eventually.

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, family fun, parenting, RAD

Just me and the boys. I can do it! Right?

Well, let’s see.

2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..

We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.

It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!

Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.

Blessings!

Hannah

No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, family fun, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

He’s official!!!

As of 1:30 PM this afternoon, June 28th 2010, Gabe is officially stubborn! YAY!!!

He was nervous. He ate an entire bowl (like, glad container bowl) of taco casserole, plus a bowl of green grapes, at 11:30. He eats when he’s nervous, and he hates that I know that he eats when he’s nervous.

Jeremiah was nervous. He was bummed because we still don’t have a date for his adoption day. He was a bit mopey, but over all held it together.

Gabe was so excited to have many people who love him and care about him show up for court today. Gabe’s worker was there, as well as our adoption worker, whom we have never met before, so that was great. Hubby’s mom, grandma, and sister were there. Many of our closest friends also made the trip, and thankfully one of them remembered a camera, otherwise we would have been picture-less.

The court hearing was short, as I knew it would be. Gabe was glad that he didn’t have to say much, just a lot of yes sir’s. The judge gave a nice speech that I’ve heard at many adoption proceedings about how this is his favorite part of the job. It was nice. We got a picture with the judge afterwords, and he said he would love a copy. That made me smile.

After court we all headed to a local restaurant for a very fun time of celebrating and laughing together. Gabe felt very loved. That’s because he is. Oh, and he ate A LOT!

After dropping Hubby off at work, we went for a little DQ for dessert. Yum!

Gabe requested our family’s favorite dish, affectionately named “Rufus”, for dinner. It was amazing, as usual. Great job, lovey!

So that was our day. And now we wait for Jeremiah’s. Soon, we hope.

Thank you to all who are along for the journey.

Blessings!

Hannah

So now we wait for Jeremiah’s.

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, Family Traditions, parenting

I’ve been thinking…in bullet points.

• I’ve been really blessed to bless some more new mamas recently. I’m getting through baby shower season pretty well, and am really enjoying the friendship with some awesome women. I really love being able to be a part of these little one’s lives, as well as encouraging their parents and offering to babysit whenever, and I mean it!
• I have found an unlikely friend in the mom of one of Jeremiah’s teammates. She is 44, also an adoptive mom, and has worked in the social work and child care field for a long time. We chat at the games, ride together whenever possible, and are really enjoying eachother’s “knowing-ness”. She has been very real with me, and I am extremely thankful for that, even if what she has to say is not always easy to hear….aka, wisdom.
• I really love my husband. I want him to be happy so badly, and when he’s not, well things just don’t feel right. We have a date night on Friday, and I can’t wait. There is nothing I would rather do than spend time with him. Even after almost 9 years, I still feel like we’re dating….well, almost.
• Gabe is on a new med that has less potential for abuse, which is definitely something we wanted to take out of the equation. I am hopeful that he will not have to be dependant on meds as an adult, and this is a good stepping stone.
• Jeremiah is really a medical mystery right now. His platelets are low, causing really easy bruising, which is really fun for a clumsy kid in sports. Also, his calcium level is really high, which his doctor says it is caused by his parathyroid gland being overactive. Interestingly enough, a high calcium level can cause digestive issues and mental health/behavioral issues, both of which Miah struggles with.  Being in the remote area we are, a hematologist is only available monthly, and the endocrinologist only comes up every three months, so it might be a while before we have answers. Prayers are appreciated.
• Gabe’s adoption is being finalized on Monday in our local county’s court. YAY! He is very excited and has invited a bunch of our family and friends to come celebrate with him. We are hoping that Miah will be able to hold it together, cuz it would be a bummer if we had to intervene on Gabe’s big day.
• We still don’t have a day for Miah’s finalization. I am hoping to hear from our worker this week, but we are waiting on a signature from downstate. Ah, the infamous signature.
• Due to some cues Miah has given us, we are most likely leaving him with our close family friends while we go downstate for court. He has expressed quite clearly that if we take him he would not be able to handle it and WILL make a scene. Basically, he wants us to prove that we will fight for him, and in his mind that means a battle. So we are respecting his feelings and will be leaving him home. I’m sure his caseworker and GAL will be disappointed, but as a good friend told me, I’m the mama, and I’ve got to watch out for my kid first. They are adults. They will get over it.
• I’ve got myself on a behavior chart. My goal is to go 2 weeks without losing my temper. It’s been very hard lately with the amped-up behaviors. I did not like who I became the other day, and I fear that I destroyed the progress we had made the day before. Anywho, my goal is that if I can go 2 weeks without losing my temper (which I know very clearly when that happens) I will earn a pampered day off all to myself. So far, 2 days! YAY! 12 to go.
• Gabe has had privileges back for 4 days now, and is really struggling today. He has gone a little privilege drunk, and is starting to really push boundaries. He doesn’t like the freedom in a lot of ways but, of coarse, loves it in many ways as well. I’m trying to treat him l like a 17 year old, but it’s very hard when he is acting like a 12 year old.
• Both boys are doing really well with their summer studies. Jeremiah is loving Mathletics, and asks to spend time on it every day. He’s lost the website privilege for a couple of days but, thankfully, they have printable workbooks, and he’s been really succeeding with those as well. His teacher also gave me access to a website their classroom uses for reading, social studies, and science, so he is working in each of those subjects on almost a daily basis.
• Gabe is working with a family friend who is a very gifted tutor. He is mostly working on Chemistry to get ready for taking it in the fall, and also composition, which is something he really struggles with. His tutor is assigning him documentaries to watch, and then he writes an essay on what he watches. It’s a formula that is working really well. I’ve also ordered some Drive-Thru History episodes that come with teaching materials. They should be here in a couple of days. Exciting!
• God is really working on my heart about what holiness and discipline really mean. More on that another time.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

To the Dad…

Who didn’t know if he wanted to be one,

Who didn’t know if he could be one,

Who told God that he’d accept it if it came,

but chose to open his heart in an unexpected way;

To the dad who is so young, but no one knows it,

whose wisdom and strength are beyond his years,

who fights for his family, even the ones he didn’t know he wanted,

and who melts with our sons in his arms;

To you, my love, I send this out into all of the cyberspace world

because YOU DESERVE all the honor and respect I could possibly pour out on this page.

You may have not chosen to be a father, but I see you chose every day to be a great father.

God is using you to heal the hearts of our boys.

God is using our boys to heal yours.

And my heart is full.

I love you. Enough said.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, marriage, parenting

What I learned in Minnesota

Our family just got back from a wonderful, but all too short trip to my Papa’s house in Northern Minnesota.  My little sister was graduating high school, and she is the last one before the grandchildren take over.

Here are a few things I learned:

• Sleeping 1950′s style sometimes means that you get more sleep, and when you are too tired to do anything fun anyways, why not?
• We have become spoiled snobs when it comes to hotels due to my hubby’s travel points. There ARE some benefits of having to endure 6 months of only seeing your hubby 3 days a week. Not many, but some.
• I still cannot stand the smell of fish. Nope.
• Jeremiah LOVES fish.
• Jeremiah can go three whole days and not lose a single privilege.
• Gabe can draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but barely. He has the welts to prove it.
• My hubby can EASILY draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but his shoulders are so wide that he can’t look through the site. He also has the welt to prove it.
• Baby cockatiels are amazingly cute and ugly at the same time. Okay, I already knew this, but it’s worth restating.
• My step-brother and his wifey make gorgeous babies.
• I am getting much better at handling baby announcements without breaking down. YAY!
• I love thunderstorms. Watching lightning in the night sky always makes me think of God’s fireworks.
• My Dad is my biggest cheerleader. He trusts me.
• Little ones grow up WAY too fast.
• Sisterhood has nothing to do with blood.
• I can always trust my Dad to have a good analogy on him at all times.
• God will send you all the way to Minnesota to hear a sermon if He knows your heart needs to hear it.
• There is nothing much better than a date night with your favorite man in the world, even if there are intense subjects to deal with.
• Naps are good.
• Home is where your heart is, truly.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting

In Words

Not sure really how to explain this. It may sound arrogant, or horrible. Not sure.

I’ve been realizing the past couple of weeks that I’m not perfect.

No. Really.

I know you all know I’m not. And I’ve known it too. It’s just that sometimes I feel like this life is all a movie playing out in front of me, and that if I just follow the script, or push the right buttons things will just turn out right. Play out the way that they are supposed too.

I suppose my belief in God, my faith, has added to this strange concept for me. My husband has said of me recently that I am oddly covered with an amazing grace for others. I don’t get offended too easily, because….well…actually I don’t understand it. People who are close to me have said and done some pretty horrible things to me, but I am usually, oddly unphased. Usually. I should be mad. Crazy hurt, mad. But I’m not.

I’ve been working on this post for 3 days now. I am still not quite understanding what my heart wants to get out.

I explained to Hubby that it’s like every part of who I am is being challenged, and I feel like I’m losing each and every challenge.

In my heart, it feels like this:

Wife- Failing. Don’t know why I feel this way except that my hubby is incredibly stressed out and I am helpless to help him.

Mother- Failing. I’ve been losing my temper much more often than I prefer. I read how things are supposed to be done, and know quite clearly that I don’t measure up.

Woman- Nope. Still can’t make those babies. I realized today that I haven’t had a cycle in two months now. Great. Yup. Can’t even do that. (Sounds silly, doesn’t it. Oh well. That’s how hearts work sometimes.)

Sister- Failing. I don’t know my role in my sister’s life lately. It’s so complicated.

Daughter- Besides being WAY to far away, and seemingly helpless with all the drama and trauma that’s been occuring recently, this is the one area I at least understand how to be.

Worshipper- Yup, been failing at that too. My faith and reliance in God is probably the strongest that it’s ever been, simply out of necessity. But my discipline SUCKS! I keep WANTING to do more, pray more, read more. I want to study and memorize and soak. I can’t seem to get out of the Psalms, and the same ones over and over. Not that that’s bad, but I want MORE. Even in my ambition to train up the boys,  I’m failing. I can’t rely on my memory forever. Especially  not lately. I’m so tired, and worshipping my Lord, which should be the most essential, energizing thing, seems to be the thing requiring the greatest energy and strength. Can’t do it. Not well at least.

So now I will be teaching in the fall. Kindergarten and preschool to be precise. And I’m terrified. This is a gift that God has clearly given me since I was a little girl, and now I’m terrified that this part of my identity too will be challenged, and that I will fail. Miserably.

Then what will I have left?

See, there’s where the whining comes in.

Good days. Bad days. I understand that they will comes as they will.

I just need to push through this wall somehow.

Somehow.

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, faith, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

Jeremiah’s Mother’s Day Poem

With commentary

My Mom

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She is happy when I am good.

She likes to listen to me when I play.

She cares for me.

She always remembers to tell me to take a shower.

(I definitely giggled when I read that.)

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She keeps me safe from danger.

She cries when I am hurt.

She worries that I will run away.

She feels sad  when I am crying.

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She likes to tell me about when I was born.

(What I know, that is, and we fill in the details together.)

She understands when I am upset.

She dreams that I will be president.

(He admitted he didn’t know what I dream of, so he made something up.)

She hopes that I do good in school.

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

My mom loves me, and I love her.

I wouldn’t trade her for no one else.

Mom, you are the greatest mom. I love you.

Love, Jeremiah

He’s able to say it. I am so thankful.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure