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You guessed it! More transitions.
I’m not going to do a post summarizing 2011.
Not going to do it.
Why?
Oh, because 2011 SUCKED!
Right up to the end.
And I wouldn’t be able to share very much about why it sucked, so it’s just not worth it.
2012 has started out with slightly less trauma, because we only had to say goodbye to Bright Eyes (Baby E’s new name, cuz’ the whole initial thing was getting too confusing.) But at least she is in a loving, Godly home, where she is with her two sisters, and close enough that we can visit her on a regular basis. That’s why it’s less trauma.
Bitty Babe (Baby A’s new name) is doing extremely well, and now that I only have 1 babe to focus on, things have calmed down considerably. She is a sweet little thing, but is really struggling with her weaning process. She’s so much more rigid and spastic than Bright Eyes ever was. She is in pain the majority of the time, so if she’s awake, it’s rare that she’s not crying. I can’t wait till she is completely done with her wean so we can see what little girl will get to emerge.
Bitty’s case is so up in the air at this point that we have no idea how long she will be with us. There is a lot of family involved, so it’s possible that someone could step up to take custody at any point, but that’s not the impression that I’m getting. Visits so far have not been consistent, so we’ll see how that develops. Hubby and I are a little more guarded with this placement because of the heartbreak that happened with Bright Eyes. We want to make sure we have all the information possible before we commit to any decision. For now, our job is to love Bitty as completely as we can so that we can give her the same opportunity to thrive as we did for Bright Eyes.
Our baby girls have been amazing ambassadors for the need for foster parents. They both have attracted so much attention when we are out and it almost always results in at least one good conversation about the need for foster parents in our community. Unfortunately these conversations usually include the phrase/question that I have come to dread and despise. It comes out something like “Oh, I could never do that. How could you give them back?” Or “Doesn’t it just kill you when you have to give them back?” or, the worst of them all, “Oh, I couldn’t do that. I would just love them too much.”
As if we don’t love them with all of our hearts.
As if it is easy for us to send these babies on to whatever is in store for them.
It’s called SACRIFICE, people!
We love them completely so that we know that we didn’t hold anything back. We give them everything we have to give so that we never have to wonder “Did I do enough?” We give them the gift of a strong bond. The gift of knowing that they were loved and cherished. Not just safety, although that is critical, but nurturing.
I’m not strong enough, but the love is not from me. I just pass it on. How could I knowingly chose to not do that?
Okay. Venting over.
Who knows what this next season will bring, but I definitely hoping for something better.
Blessings!
Hannah
And I’m still thankful…on purpose.
It’s been tough.
I failed at the thankfulness countdown.
More trauma.
The babe might be moved soon.
Too soon.
We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
We need our suddenly.
Blessings!
Hannah
Trauma has given me….
Well, I’ll get to that.
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. 
Praise Jesus!
My earliest memory was…
when my sister, Rachel, was born.
Now I’ve been told that this may be a false memory due to the fact that I’ve seen the video of her birth and been told about it so often, but I don’t believe this. Sure, I was just barely two years old, but I’ve always had a good memory, especially for sounds and smells. I clearly remember our babysitter holding me and being upset that she wouldn’t put me down. I remember the walls and windows. Was there a window looking into the birthing room? Maybe. I remember wanting to sit with my mommy on her bed, and I remember my dad saying “It’s another girl!”
Rachel’s birth was special for a number of reasons. She was the first baby born at this particular hospital to have her whole family present at her birth. They had just built their new family birthing center, and Rachel’s was the first birth to get the “whole family” experience. This was a big enough deal to make a full-page article in the local newspaper, of which my dad apparently kept more than 20 copies, which I discovered when going through a box of his keepsakes.
The second reason Rachel’s birth was important was that my parents had decided that she would be the last of our brood. My parents were really big into natural family planning. In fact, each of us had been very precisely spaced using the ole’ temperature chart method. I laugh at this because it’s another science thing, and that’s exactly how my dad would have it, although my mom was obviously in agreement. Anywho, after having four beautiful children, spaced 2-3 years apart, they decided that our clan was complete ,and my dad scheduled himself for a vasectomy. Or maybe my mom made him. I’m not sure on that one. My older sister, Sarah, told me once that she remembers the day he had the procedure because she wasn’t allowed to sit on his lap. I’ll have to take her word on that one, as that detail did not make its way into my memory.
So on that warm August day in 1986, my mischievous, notorious, hilarious, sweet, sensitive, creative partner-in-crime entered my sphere. For years we were rivals, which is a story for another time, but now I am blessed by her every day, and she totally deserves to be my first memory.
LOVE YOU, RACHEL!
Blessings!
Hannah
***Note: This was attempt 2036.5 to get myself out of my trauma-created writer’s block. I got myself a new resource to give me ideas, so, again, my goal is to write every day. Even if it is just a sentence, I do not want this traumatic time in my life to silence me. Nope!***
Just an update
I’m so sorry I have been so absent. I wouldn’t apologize except that I know that I get worried when I don’t hear from my blogger friends for a while.
So here’s the update:
Things are tough.
Jeremiah is at the psyche ward right now due to a week of chaos. Our simple hope is that he gets the hope he needs.
I am shell shocked. After days of “faking it” I finally broke down with Kaleb last night. We mourned over both our sons and their choices. We prayed loudly. We reassured each other as much as we could. We finally slept.
Now we wait.
Pray for us. We need help and support right now in ways we never have before.
The adventure continues. There is still hope.
Blessings!
Hannah
My week of different
This week has been very different.
Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.
He’s not here. That’s different.
Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.
It’s quiet. That’s different.
I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well, then I do nothing.
I’m rested. That’s different.
Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!
I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.
Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.
I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.
Breakthrough. That would be different.
Blessings!
Hannah
This week…
This week I hope that…
- My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
- Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
- I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
- The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
- Hubby gets a specific phone call that he wants to get.
- I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
- Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
- Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
- I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!
Blessings!
Hannah
When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby….
When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby…
- She realizes just how right she was that something was missing.
- She realizes how much she loves her husband and how amazing he is.
- She realizes how holding a baby (especially in a moby wrap) makes people react to you differently. (More on that soon.)
- She prays for God’s healing of her body more than ever.
- She glows. (or so Hubby tells me.)
- She wonders about God’s plans and purposes…a lot.
- She loves… a lot, and gets a bigger picture of God’s love for her.
- She realizes how much she has enjoyed the freedom of sleeping in.
Blessings!
Hannah
The First 24 Hours with Baby E
May 25th
2:30 PM – I FINALLY get the call from the hospital social worker that I need to get to the hospital because they are getting ready to discharge the babe.
2:45 PM- I arrive at the hospital and scrub in. E is sleeping, so we get goin’ on paper work. I run to the hospital pharmacy, which was packed like a sardine can. I wait and wait and wait. I get E’s meds and head back to the NICU and scrub in again.
3:45 PM – The wonderful nurses help me double check E’s car seat and pack up all her stuff. (Hurray for free baby formula!) I bring my car around to the pick-up point and head back to the NICU. I scrub in again, but just quickly this time, and get E packed up into her car seat. The nurse puts her on the car and all the amazing NICU nurses say their bittersweet good-byes. I promise to send pictures. I almost cry, ‘cuz they were.
4:00 PM- E sees sunshine and breathes fresh air for the first time since she was transfered to the NICU. We load up into the car and head over to a friend’s to pick up Jeremiah. We are welcomed with ooo’s and awww’s. I have to say a difficult “No” to a friend that asked if she could hold her. I’m guessing that will become a common thing in the next few days. E gets her first floor time ever, and she happily checks out her new world. She even gives a few smiles.
4:30 PM – Jeremiah, Baby E, and Aiti (the Finnish word for Mommy) head home. She sleeps the whole way.
5:15 PM – Isa (Finnish for Daddy) gets to meet his new foster daughter. He falls in love. He immediately asks to hold her AND asks me to take pictures. She is incredibly alert and awake and wants to look at everything. She hangs out with Isa for nearly 2 hours before finally falling asleep.
7:00 PM – Just after she falls asleep, grandma and auntie show up to say hi. They hold the sleeping babe as we visit. She wakes up just in time for them to see her beautiful blue eyes before they leave.
9:00 PM – She sleeps for half hour increments and will only take an ounce of formula at at time. It looks like it will be a long night.
1:00 AM – Aiti is chillin’ on the couch watching the last Oprah episode on the DVR. Babe wakes up at about 1:30 and Aiti gives her her 2 AM med (yes, she takes her meds at 2 AM!) She finally takes a full 4 oz. and falls asleep quickly. She fusses quite a bit, but finally settles in and sleep soundly until…
7:00 AM – Babe wakes up and wants to be fed NOW! I give her her Morning med and try to settle her down. It doesn’t work for more than 10 minutes at a time.
9:00 AM – We’re up an about. I put on the moby wrap (thank you to whoever got that for me btw) and she snuggles in. LOVES IT and is good to go for the rest of the morning. She eats well and stays awake, but calm in the moby.
10:00 AM- Jeremiah gets up and starts playing dumb IMMEDIATELY. He is visibly nervous and needing a lot of hugs. I have him sit on the floor and put the babe in his lap. We talk about how none of this was her choice. I talk to him about making better choices to show her love (as some of the choices were directly aimed at showing his disapproval of her presence, although not directed at her.)
12:30 PM – Headed out to the pediatrician. Had to be there early to fill out paper work.
2:00 PM – First pediatrician’s appointment. Nurses ooo and awww over the little bundle in the green moby. They asked me quite a few questions about the moby, so that was fun. I really enjoy the doctor. He asked all the right questions and answered all of my questions as well. He wants to see her once a week for a while, as he was concerned about her tremors and other withdrawal symptoms. Developmentally, however, she is right on track. YAY!
3:00 PM – Ran errands in town (gotta make the most of every trip, cuz we spent $12 in gas to get there.) Baby E slept the whole time. I had Jeremiah stay in the car with her, cuz it was a bunch of 5 minute stuff.
4:00 PM – Got home and chilled. Jeremiah drama.
7:00 PM – Hubby’s mom showed up with a big surprise, THE SWING I WANTED! Thank you, Mom! Oh, and she must be feeling grand-baby deprived, cuz she also brought a bag of amazing baby loot. She tried to shrug it off that it was all on clearance, but DUDE! I am so overwhelmed with gratitude.
8:00 PM – Got swing put together while watching the season premiere of “So you Think you can Dance?” which I’ve been counting down to for weeks. Put Babe in swing and MAGIC! I think this may be a more peaceful night. It may be cheating, but until her withdrawals are under control, I am totally okay with that.
9:00 PM – E woke up for a little snack, I swaddled her up, and then back to sleep she goes.
11:00 PM – Hubby brings me a giant bowl of Mackinaw Island Fudge ice cream. Dude.
And tonight? Hopefully sleep.
Blessings!
Hannah
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