And I’m still thankful…on purpose.

It’s been tough.

I failed at the thankfulness countdown.

More trauma.

The babe might be moved soon.

Too soon.

We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.

Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.

Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?

It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.

It’s hard to breathe.

This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.

My friend Eileen said it so well.

“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”

But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.

But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.

Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”

Somehow.

But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.

And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.

We need our suddenly.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Who is this Hannah person again?

I’m finally starting to feel like the real me.

It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).

When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.

Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.

So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

• I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
• I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
• I don’t mind doing dishes. This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well.
• I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
• I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.

So  this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!

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My week of different

This week has been very different.

Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.

He’s not here. That’s different.

Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.

It’s quiet. That’s different.

I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well,  then I do nothing.

I’m rested. That’s different.

Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!

I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.

Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.

I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.

Breakthrough. That would be different.

Blessings!

Hannah

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This week…

This week I hope that…

• My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
• Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
• I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
• The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
• Hubby gets a  specific phone call that he wants to get.
• I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
• Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
• Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
• I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!

Blessings!

Hannah

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When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby….

When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby…

• She realizes just how right she was that something was missing.
• She realizes how much she loves her husband and how amazing he is.
• She realizes how holding a baby (especially in a moby wrap) makes people react to you differently. (More on that soon.)
• She prays for God’s healing of her body more than ever.
• She glows. (or so Hubby tells me.)
• She wonders about God’s plans and purposes…a lot.
• She loves… a lot, and gets a bigger picture of God’s love for her.
• She realizes how much she has enjoyed the freedom of sleeping in.

Blessings!

Hannah

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F.U.N.K.

Not sure exactly why I’m feeling this way. A lot of frustration building up. A lot of anxiety.

Hormones?

I don’t even know, and that’s part of the frustration. Other women can look at the calendar and have at least SOME explanation for their irrational emotions. I have the irrationality FIRST and then maybe, MAYBE find out a few days later that hormones had something to do with it. And then there are other times when I THINK that hormones have something to do with it, and the week passes, and two weeks, and a month, and NOTHING!

Hubby asks if I am mad at him. I don’t know how to answer him. Is he getting on my nerves? YES! But it’s nothing particular about him or what he’s doing. It just IS!

That sounds hormonal, doesn’t it?

Gosh, I hope so. Otherwise I’m just crazy.

Women, when was the last time you were thankful for your monthly gift?

Blessings!

Hannah

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Breathing

I feel like I can breathe today.

It’s not much, but I’m beyond survival.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful for a husband who is willing to drop everything and tell his boss and co-workers that his wife needs him…for the rest of the week. It’s one good thing about technology-based jobs. They can be portable when necessary.

I am so thankful for friends who will listen to me rant, and rave, and cry, and cry some more, and sob, and scream.

I am so thankful for those same friends who will pray, and pray, and pray, and pray, and when they don’t know how to pray, let the Holy Spirit do the praying for them. For me.

I am so thankful for family that is formed from more than blood. People who will stand for me, when I feel like I can not stand.

I am so thankful for motivation, as trivial as it may be, it is bringing SOME peace.

I am so so so thankful that God can use the worst of days for one child to bring about breakthrough and healing for another. Keep going. Keep going.

I am thankful for our home. For melting snow. For loving poochies and parrots.

And, God, my God, I can not express how thankful I am for you. I am trying. Thank you for holding on to me.

Breathing today. Maybe laughing will come tomorrow.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Thankful

Lord, I thank you for the cramps I am currently experiencing. I thank you for the light-headedness , the exhaustion, and the nausea. I thank you that this is the second time in three months I am experiencing these symptoms. I thank you because you are healing my body and bringing it back into proper balance and rhythm. Thank you, Lord. Help me to remember to be grateful tomorrow too.  Amen. Let it be.

And to all of you women who do this EVERY MONTH, bless you.

Blessings!

Hannah

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About Faith, Trust, and Babies

I love a good discussion with intelligent people who actually listen, process, and then share their thoughts and opinions. Two such discussions with good friends have got my mind and heart pondering again.

Do I really trust the Lord with my fertility? Do I really believe that my husband’s and my baby-making is a faith issue?

Yes to both.

Do I trust? Well, I try to, and most of the time I succeed, although the current, and seemingly ongoing baby boom on over charge happening in my friend community challenges that on a daily basis.  It makes it difficult to truly know that my God is God, even over my ovaries.

My Friend, JP, says that our planet is over populated, which I think he needs to do a little more research into, but all I know is that God not only gave us sperm and eggs, but he directs their course. I 100% believe that. There is no person ever conceived or born that God did not know or desire to be here. If I don’t believe that, then I could be led to believe that my boys were simply mistakes because their mothers did not have access or knowledge of birth control. My boys are not mistakes, accidents, or anything of the like. God intended them to be here, regardless of the unfortunate circumstances of their arrival, due to our sinful, fallen world.

Just as my boys conception in their mothers’ wombs were not a mistake, also the lack of conception in my womb is not a mistake.

God knows what He is doing, even when I have absolutley NO CLUE!

Blessings!

Hannah

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Just some more bullet points

• It’s been rough. I’m frustrated because I feel like all I’ve been able to write about lately is how rough it’s been. I’m having trouble remembering the amazing good things that really do go on because the trauma of the….traumatic things seem to wash them out of my brain. I apologize for that. You see, not wanting to come off as a whiner has made me fearful of writing anything…so I don’t. I don’t like that.
• In response to the above, as well as my husband’s prodding to develop and utilize my creative writing gifts, I am setting a personal goal for myself to write at least 2 short stories a week. I will try to share as many as those as I can. I recently came upon some old stories and poems that I penned in high school. I think it would be fun to share those as well.
• As a birthday present, my amazingly gifted geek (aka Hubby) is helping me fix some of these blog bugs that I am frustrated with. The biggest issues that I want to fix are:
  • Being able to link series’ of posts together is currently very cumbersome. I want it to be easy to follow story lines and find answers to questions that fall under specific topics.
  • I need a better way to display and organize my short stories in safe ways.
  • I want the blog to look a lot more friendly and Hannah-ish.
  • Suggestions?
• The boys and I still have a week left in Minnesota. It’s been an adventure….hence the “Without Daddy Adventures.” We had a bonfire tonight since it was the first night sense we’ve been here without massive westward winds. After some sausage mishaps, I finally had the light bulb moment to use the cast iron skillet my papa got at an estate auction last year. YAY! It worked wonderfully.
• I’ve really been enjoying Lauraine Snelling’s Red River series lately. I love historical fiction, especially that era. Plus that series, as well as many of her other books, are about people with Norwegian ancestry, of which I am. Something about the late 1800′s on the prairie fascinates me. I think I would have made a good pioneer woman. I’ve definitely got the hips for it. Although it would definitely be harder to be an infertile woman in that era, but I often wonder if that would have been an issue for me without all these environmental contributors that we have today. Wow! That could totally turn into another post.
• It’s Hubby’s and my marriage anniversary today. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. Yes! That one! The first one! The real one! We were so young, and “stupid” as my hubby said earlier today, but we’ve made it! And we are so glad that we’ve come this far. We’re stronger now than I ever imagined. He’s my love.
• Goodness sakes I miss his smell right now.
• Oh! Like I said, we had a bonfire tonight, but I totally didn’t take any pictures. I’ve been finding out lately I’m very bad at that part of mommy-ing because I am usually way to caught up  in the moment to think of grabbing the camera until it’s over and I realize I would have really liked pictures. Oh well.
• Did I mention I love my husband? Like LOTS! And I miss him so crazy much it literrally aches, especially today. I am in desperate need of some lovin’. I’m used to like a bazillion hugs and kisses a day, and the most affection I’ve been getting lately is from my bird.
• God has really been pulling me into Him lately for all the reasons above. So many things wrecking me day and night. I just wish I could discipline myself to hide in Him more. Learning.
• Oh! Last but not least…I need comments! Like seriously! I know that more people than my dad and friends Amanda and Christine read my blog, so PLEASE let me know you are there. If you read a post and don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. At least say “Hey! I read your blog!”  K? K.

TTFN

Tah tah for now!

Blessings!

Hannah

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