It’s been hard to write…

because…

• Gabe’s still gone, but I’ve said all I know to say about that.
• I still want a baby, I still don’t have one, and I’ve said all I know to say about that.
• Jeremiah still struggles, but is getting stronger every day. I need to learn to say more about that, but day to day it’s hard for me to recognize and process.

I guess I need some new topics to help me feel “un-rutted.”

Do any of my readers have any questions or topics they would like me to write about?

Oh, and I DID take more chickie pictures today, so hopefully I will get them off my phone and uploaded tomorrow. YAY! They are so cute!

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

It’s Bullet Point Time!

First of all, I was chewed out today by a dear friend who said I was depriving her by not writing more often.

So there, Lori, I am posting! OKAY?!?!?!

Ah, the beauty of bullet points.

• Gabe is still not residing in our household. It’s becoming a new normal, and that’s weird.
• It snowed 6 inches this weekend, and we are expecting another 8 tonight. Gotta love spring in the U.P.
• Jeremiah is doing fairly well, but we are working through some sabotaging issues. I hate fear. I want fear to leave my son alone.
• I am working through big feelings related to God’s plan for our family, and for me as a woman. I have to say, it has been easier this round of emotions, but it still overwhelms me at times. Lots of babies due within the next few months, and that’s always a challenge for my heart to remember to trust God’s plan for ME. I also have to remember that it’s about HIM, not about me. That sucks. It’s hard.
• World events have made our family much more aware recently. My hubby has been intensely studying what’s going on in our world and what Scripture has to say about it. We are looking to the East expectantly. At the same time, as my sister, Rachel, reminded us, we need to understand that with that hope there needs to be an urgency for sharing God’s love and the message of Jesus with those who don’t know Him yet. What does this mean for our family?
• I really REALLY want Spring to be here to stay. J’s baseball practice got cancelled today because of SNOW. My garden seems like a far off dream at this point. Lord, bring the warmth!
• Just got all my garden seeds picked out. Wow. Talk about overwhelming. But I am also uber excited. We have a crazy short growing season up here, so those seeds that need inside time are gonna be a little crowded for a while.
• COME ON, SPRING!

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, Gardening, infertility, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

F.U.N.K.

Not sure exactly why I’m feeling this way. A lot of frustration building up. A lot of anxiety.

Hormones?

I don’t even know, and that’s part of the frustration. Other women can look at the calendar and have at least SOME explanation for their irrational emotions. I have the irrationality FIRST and then maybe, MAYBE find out a few days later that hormones had something to do with it. And then there are other times when I THINK that hormones have something to do with it, and the week passes, and two weeks, and a month, and NOTHING!

Hubby asks if I am mad at him. I don’t know how to answer him. Is he getting on my nerves? YES! But it’s nothing particular about him or what he’s doing. It just IS!

That sounds hormonal, doesn’t it?

Gosh, I hope so. Otherwise I’m just crazy.

Women, when was the last time you were thankful for your monthly gift?

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 6 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: infertility, marriage

Is it weird?

Is it weird that I am living vicariously through my friends and their babies?

A lot of my friends are pregnant. A LOT. A lot of them are on their second round, which means that the ones they were pregnant with 1.5 to 3 years ago are getting so big, and cute, and fun! FUN! I am especially enjoying the little girls. Have I mentioned that I WANT A GIRL??? No? Well, I do.

And my sweet hubby was mean enough to remind me that I need to not give up hope on this dream. Darn you, Hubby! Why couldn’t you let me have at least one moment of cynicism?

Anywho, I have really been enjoying living vicariously through these special little ones. I love their little outfits, and their cute little earrings, and doing their hair. OH, HOW I LOVE DOING THEIR HAIR! I love how they are already discovering the beauty of being a girl, and even developing their own style. I love these girls.

Is it weird that I am enjoying my domestic-ness so much?

I am hoping that I am becoming part of a generation that is going to re-learn, re-capture what our great-grandparents just plainly knew. I’ve read many times that we tend to surround ourselves with people who think the same way we do so that we feel normal. I have very domestic friends. Friends that want to do things the best way, not necessarily the easy way. Friends that delight in their woman-hood and are following that calling with their whole hearts.

Are we weird?

In a world that is getting smaller, and smaller, and faster, and faster, is it weird for me to want to slow things down, and in many ways go back to the old ways? The ways of our great-grandparents? Is it weird for me to want to forgo convenience to capture the finer things in life? Finer things like freshly baked bread where I know every ingredient and the beautiful fragrance fills my kitchen, line dried towels washed in laundry soap I made, and homemade yogurt topped with freshly baked granola.

I feel weird at times in many ways. I’m a 6’1″ tall woman. Weird. I’m one of the most feminine, maternal women ever, and yet my ovaries and uterus have yet to produce a child. Weird. I crave breast-feeding. Very weird? Yes.

Ah, don’t you love those middle-school insecurities? (Not that middle-schoolers typically crave breastfeeding.)

Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m pretty darn amazing, I mean, I KNOW that God made me UNIQUE for many reasons. Trust me, that height and girth come in handy when my getting-bigger-every-day-11-almost-12-year-old is having one of those moments. I haven’t figured out all the reasons yet for all my weirdness-es, but here I am!

And you love my weirdness, RIGHT?

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Being set apart, cooking, infertility, The SAHM Adventure

Poof!

I felt the contractions, the pushing, the pressure.

I heard his first cries of life.

I saw with my own eyes. We had a boy.

I felt his baby fingers and toes. His fuzzy, curly hair.

I smelled his wonderful new-baby smell.

I kissed his beautiful cheeks, and his nose.

I heard my beloved’s voice coo at his new son.

I discussed what we should name him, and I wasn’t so sure about Samuel or Josiah anymore. Was that the name God gave for him?

I cried over complete and utter joy. This was my son.

And then I opened my eyes.

Poof.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: infertility, the hard stuff

Thankful

Lord, I thank you for the cramps I am currently experiencing. I thank you for the light-headedness , the exhaustion, and the nausea. I thank you that this is the second time in three months I am experiencing these symptoms. I thank you because you are healing my body and bringing it back into proper balance and rhythm. Thank you, Lord. Help me to remember to be grateful tomorrow too.  Amen. Let it be.

And to all of you women who do this EVERY MONTH, bless you.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: health, infertility, marriage, the hard stuff

About Faith, Trust, and Babies

I love a good discussion with intelligent people who actually listen, process, and then share their thoughts and opinions. Two such discussions with good friends have got my mind and heart pondering again.

Do I really trust the Lord with my fertility? Do I really believe that my husband’s and my baby-making is a faith issue?

Yes to both.

Do I trust? Well, I try to, and most of the time I succeed, although the current, and seemingly ongoing baby boom on over charge happening in my friend community challenges that on a daily basis.  It makes it difficult to truly know that my God is God, even over my ovaries.

My Friend, JP, says that our planet is over populated, which I think he needs to do a little more research into, but all I know is that God not only gave us sperm and eggs, but he directs their course. I 100% believe that. There is no person ever conceived or born that God did not know or desire to be here. If I don’t believe that, then I could be led to believe that my boys were simply mistakes because their mothers did not have access or knowledge of birth control. My boys are not mistakes, accidents, or anything of the like. God intended them to be here, regardless of the unfortunate circumstances of their arrival, due to our sinful, fallen world.

Just as my boys conception in their mothers’ wombs were not a mistake, also the lack of conception in my womb is not a mistake.

God knows what He is doing, even when I have absolutley NO CLUE!

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Being set apart, infertility, marriage, prayer, the hard stuff

Right Now

Right now

I am not liking being Mom.

Right now

I am not liking my sons

Right now

I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.

Right now

I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.

Right now

I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a  baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.

Right now

I can’t do it anymore.

Right now

I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.

Right now

I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.

Right now

I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.

Right now

I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.

Right now

I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.

No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.

Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”

Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.

Blessings! (Of better days than this.)

Hannah

1 hour later

Right now

I am feeling calmer.

I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.

Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.

Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.

I just won wheel of fortune in my room.

I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.

4 Hours Later

Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.

I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.

I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.

Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.

Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.

But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.

Sneaky.

But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.

Survived.

And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.

I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.

Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

I’ve been thinking…in bullet points.

• I’ve been really blessed to bless some more new mamas recently. I’m getting through baby shower season pretty well, and am really enjoying the friendship with some awesome women. I really love being able to be a part of these little one’s lives, as well as encouraging their parents and offering to babysit whenever, and I mean it!
• I have found an unlikely friend in the mom of one of Jeremiah’s teammates. She is 44, also an adoptive mom, and has worked in the social work and child care field for a long time. We chat at the games, ride together whenever possible, and are really enjoying eachother’s “knowing-ness”. She has been very real with me, and I am extremely thankful for that, even if what she has to say is not always easy to hear….aka, wisdom.
• I really love my husband. I want him to be happy so badly, and when he’s not, well things just don’t feel right. We have a date night on Friday, and I can’t wait. There is nothing I would rather do than spend time with him. Even after almost 9 years, I still feel like we’re dating….well, almost.
• Gabe is on a new med that has less potential for abuse, which is definitely something we wanted to take out of the equation. I am hopeful that he will not have to be dependant on meds as an adult, and this is a good stepping stone.
• Jeremiah is really a medical mystery right now. His platelets are low, causing really easy bruising, which is really fun for a clumsy kid in sports. Also, his calcium level is really high, which his doctor says it is caused by his parathyroid gland being overactive. Interestingly enough, a high calcium level can cause digestive issues and mental health/behavioral issues, both of which Miah struggles with.  Being in the remote area we are, a hematologist is only available monthly, and the endocrinologist only comes up every three months, so it might be a while before we have answers. Prayers are appreciated.
• Gabe’s adoption is being finalized on Monday in our local county’s court. YAY! He is very excited and has invited a bunch of our family and friends to come celebrate with him. We are hoping that Miah will be able to hold it together, cuz it would be a bummer if we had to intervene on Gabe’s big day.
• We still don’t have a day for Miah’s finalization. I am hoping to hear from our worker this week, but we are waiting on a signature from downstate. Ah, the infamous signature.
• Due to some cues Miah has given us, we are most likely leaving him with our close family friends while we go downstate for court. He has expressed quite clearly that if we take him he would not be able to handle it and WILL make a scene. Basically, he wants us to prove that we will fight for him, and in his mind that means a battle. So we are respecting his feelings and will be leaving him home. I’m sure his caseworker and GAL will be disappointed, but as a good friend told me, I’m the mama, and I’ve got to watch out for my kid first. They are adults. They will get over it.
• I’ve got myself on a behavior chart. My goal is to go 2 weeks without losing my temper. It’s been very hard lately with the amped-up behaviors. I did not like who I became the other day, and I fear that I destroyed the progress we had made the day before. Anywho, my goal is that if I can go 2 weeks without losing my temper (which I know very clearly when that happens) I will earn a pampered day off all to myself. So far, 2 days! YAY! 12 to go.
• Gabe has had privileges back for 4 days now, and is really struggling today. He has gone a little privilege drunk, and is starting to really push boundaries. He doesn’t like the freedom in a lot of ways but, of coarse, loves it in many ways as well. I’m trying to treat him l like a 17 year old, but it’s very hard when he is acting like a 12 year old.
• Both boys are doing really well with their summer studies. Jeremiah is loving Mathletics, and asks to spend time on it every day. He’s lost the website privilege for a couple of days but, thankfully, they have printable workbooks, and he’s been really succeeding with those as well. His teacher also gave me access to a website their classroom uses for reading, social studies, and science, so he is working in each of those subjects on almost a daily basis.
• Gabe is working with a family friend who is a very gifted tutor. He is mostly working on Chemistry to get ready for taking it in the fall, and also composition, which is something he really struggles with. His tutor is assigning him documentaries to watch, and then he writes an essay on what he watches. It’s a formula that is working really well. I’ve also ordered some Drive-Thru History episodes that come with teaching materials. They should be here in a couple of days. Exciting!
• God is really working on my heart about what holiness and discipline really mean. More on that another time.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

What I learned in Minnesota

Our family just got back from a wonderful, but all too short trip to my Papa’s house in Northern Minnesota.  My little sister was graduating high school, and she is the last one before the grandchildren take over.

Here are a few things I learned:

• Sleeping 1950′s style sometimes means that you get more sleep, and when you are too tired to do anything fun anyways, why not?
• We have become spoiled snobs when it comes to hotels due to my hubby’s travel points. There ARE some benefits of having to endure 6 months of only seeing your hubby 3 days a week. Not many, but some.
• I still cannot stand the smell of fish. Nope.
• Jeremiah LOVES fish.
• Jeremiah can go three whole days and not lose a single privilege.
• Gabe can draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but barely. He has the welts to prove it.
• My hubby can EASILY draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but his shoulders are so wide that he can’t look through the site. He also has the welt to prove it.
• Baby cockatiels are amazingly cute and ugly at the same time. Okay, I already knew this, but it’s worth restating.
• My step-brother and his wifey make gorgeous babies.
• I am getting much better at handling baby announcements without breaking down. YAY!
• I love thunderstorms. Watching lightning in the night sky always makes me think of God’s fireworks.
• My Dad is my biggest cheerleader. He trusts me.
• Little ones grow up WAY too fast.
• Sisterhood has nothing to do with blood.
• I can always trust my Dad to have a good analogy on him at all times.
• God will send you all the way to Minnesota to hear a sermon if He knows your heart needs to hear it.
• There is nothing much better than a date night with your favorite man in the world, even if there are intense subjects to deal with.
• Naps are good.
• Home is where your heart is, truly.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting