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What is a woman supposed to do…
When she is losing a baby birthed from her heart?
When the feelings of inadequacy and emptiness that come with infertility have come back full force, and immeasurably stronger than before because now she knows what she’s missing?
When she prayed harder than she’s ever prayed before and the answer is still “no”?
When she is having a hard time trusting her Heavenly Father with her heart because it just hurts too much, and she is afraid?
When going to church breaks her heart because of all the babies EVERYWHERE?
When all she wants to be is someone’s Mommy?
She waits. She waits to see what new adventure is around the corner. She waits and listens and holds onto hope as hard as she can, even when holding onto hope makes it so hard to breathe.
And she worships. Especially when it’s hard, because that’s when it really matters.
And she cries to her friends when she needs to, because some of them really get it, and the ones that don’t choose to love her all the same.
Blessings!
Hannah
Perspective
I think that my journey with infertility gives me unique perspective on certain issues in our world.
Not just my infertility, but my intense passion for children and their well-being.
I. Love. Kids.
So things like this make me really happy.
I could watch programs about child development for hours. I never tire of the miracle of how we are created and are continually shaped into these amazingly unique beings.
On side note, if you are a parent, or someone who loves a child, and you haven’t read Nancy Tillman’s “On the Night You were Born,” you need to. Amazing. Plus, it’s featured, along with other Tillman titles, at Kohl’s this month in support of their Kohl’s Cares for Kids campaign, so it’s a good time to get it.
On the flip side, just like the things that highlight the beauty and wonder of children make me full of joy, anything that disregards or causes harm to children makes me so angry that…well, I just don’t have words.
I don’t have words for things like this:
No words, except: This. Must. Stop.
I have to be so careful to guard my heart in this area, because the subject of abortion, or even unwanted children is such a breeding ground for hatred and bitterness in my heart, even bitterness against my Heavenly Father. All the “why’s” creep up, and it’s hard to stop them once they start. So I am careful. And I pray.
And I wait on what God has to say to my heart. And I stop trying to understand, ‘cuz I won’t this side of heaven.
And then I go back to rejoicing in God’s creation, and how every life is precious. I watch things like this (one of my favorites EVER!) to gain some perspective:
I. Love. Life.
And it doesn’t stop here.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Kohl’s did not compensate me in any way for my mention of them. All opinions are my own.
p.p.s. Baby E was cracking my up today with her singing and jabbering. She is such a delight.
I found a button.
One of my buttons, that is.
This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!
Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.
One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.
Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!
All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.
Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.
So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.
Blessings!
Hannah
When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby….
When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby…
- She realizes just how right she was that something was missing.
- She realizes how much she loves her husband and how amazing he is.
- She realizes how holding a baby (especially in a moby wrap) makes people react to you differently. (More on that soon.)
- She prays for God’s healing of her body more than ever.
- She glows. (or so Hubby tells me.)
- She wonders about God’s plans and purposes…a lot.
- She loves… a lot, and gets a bigger picture of God’s love for her.
- She realizes how much she has enjoyed the freedom of sleeping in.
Blessings!
Hannah
Baby E Coming Home?
After multiple phone calls from multiple sources, the consensus seems to be that Baby E will be coming home TOMORROW!
The hospital wants me to do an overnight to make sure I understand how to care for her…
Really?
She’s a baby! Yeah, she has some special needs, but we’re not talking a g-tube or ventilator or anything, she’s just ultra sensitive to noise and light.
Anywho, I totally think it’s overkill, so I am going to insist that it is not a necessary step, and not really possible right now anyways.
So, tomorrow I will be picking up a baby girl. Then I will promptly be going to Targe’t to get some essentials since our baby shower hasn’t happened yet.
Thanks to many generous (and fertile) friends, we have the crib and cradle, which are the most important, and plenty of clothes to get started with. I’ll have to get at least a pack of diapers, since the Flips I ordered won’t be here till Wednesday. And I’ll need to get some formula too. I’ve never anticipated using formula, but since I won’t be allowed to breastfeed this little one, well, a woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do. And yes, I mean allowed, because if we were adopting an infant I would breastfeed…’cuz God made our bodies totally amazing, and I could do that.
Someday.
Anywho, very excited.
Also, I’m hoping J gets a conscience sometime between now and then, because otherwise I just may have an aneurysm.
Oy.
Blessings!
Hannah
Where? When? How?
There’s a song by Chris Tomlin that’s really popular right now called “I Will Follow” that has some really tough lyrics that I’ve been chewing on lately.
“Where You go, I’ll go
Where You stay, I’ll stay
When You move, I’ll move
I will follow…”
Another song by Kim Walker hits it hard along the same lines.
“Where you go I go
What you say I say
What you pray I pray
Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit
How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good.”
TOUGH STUFF!
I’ve been really struggling lately wanting to know what God wants from me, of me, to do with me. He’s given me many gifts, talents, and passions. Passions for learning, for teaching, and for serving that I have NO IDEA what to do with.
How, Lord, am I supposed to move if I have no idea where you want me to move?
I have a hearing issue I think. So many things clouding MY mind, MY heart, that I can’t hear Him. I have ADHD of the spirit right now.
Here, Lord? There, Lord? Oh, here again?
How do I get quiet? How do I STOP?
Lord, you’ve given me this crazy passion for pregnancy and birth and babies, and yet here I am with an empty womb. What do you want me to do with that passion? WHAT????
Teach? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.
Be a mama to a baby that needs a mama? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.
Become a doula to support mamas having babies? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.
Shut up and just wait? I could do that too…if YOU wanted me to.
But I don’t want to do ANY of these things if it’s not what you want for me. I don’t want to be going left, when you want me to be going right. I don’t want to be going ANYWHERE if you want me to be standing still.
So here I am. Speak to me. I’m trying to listen. Thank you that you hear me and that you don’t get discouraged by my ADHD spirit. I love you. Amen. Amen.
Here’s to our adventures! (Raising a glass of chocolate milk.)
Blessings!
Hannah
It’s been hard to write…
because…
- Gabe’s still gone, but I’ve said all I know to say about that.
- I still want a baby, I still don’t have one, and I’ve said all I know to say about that.
- Jeremiah still struggles, but is getting stronger every day. I need to learn to say more about that, but day to day it’s hard for me to recognize and process.
I guess I need some new topics to help me feel “un-rutted.”
Do any of my readers have any questions or topics they would like me to write about?
Oh, and I DID take more chickie pictures today, so hopefully I will get them off my phone and uploaded tomorrow. YAY! They are so cute!
Blessings!
Hannah
It’s Bullet Point Time!
First of all, I was chewed out today by a dear friend who said I was depriving her by not writing more often.
So there, Lori, I am posting! OKAY?!?!?!
Ah, the beauty of bullet points.
- Gabe is still not residing in our household. It’s becoming a new normal, and that’s weird.
- It snowed 6 inches this weekend, and we are expecting another 8 tonight. Gotta love spring in the U.P.
- Jeremiah is doing fairly well, but we are working through some sabotaging issues. I hate fear. I want fear to leave my son alone.
- I am working through big feelings related to God’s plan for our family, and for me as a woman. I have to say, it has been easier this round of emotions, but it still overwhelms me at times. Lots of babies due within the next few months, and that’s always a challenge for my heart to remember to trust God’s plan for ME. I also have to remember that it’s about HIM, not about me. That sucks. It’s hard.
- World events have made our family much more aware recently. My hubby has been intensely studying what’s going on in our world and what Scripture has to say about it. We are looking to the East expectantly. At the same time, as my sister, Rachel, reminded us, we need to understand that with that hope there needs to be an urgency for sharing God’s love and the message of Jesus with those who don’t know Him yet. What does this mean for our family?
- I really REALLY want Spring to be here to stay. J’s baseball practice got cancelled today because of SNOW. My garden seems like a far off dream at this point. Lord, bring the warmth!
- Just got all my garden seeds picked out. Wow. Talk about overwhelming. But I am also uber excited. We have a crazy short growing season up here, so those seeds that need inside time are gonna be a little crowded for a while.
- COME ON, SPRING!
Blessings!
Hannah
F.U.N.K.
Not sure exactly why I’m feeling this way. A lot of frustration building up. A lot of anxiety.
Hormones?
I don’t even know, and that’s part of the frustration. Other women can look at the calendar and have at least SOME explanation for their irrational emotions. I have the irrationality FIRST and then maybe, MAYBE find out a few days later that hormones had something to do with it. And then there are other times when I THINK that hormones have something to do with it, and the week passes, and two weeks, and a month, and NOTHING!
Hubby asks if I am mad at him. I don’t know how to answer him. Is he getting on my nerves? YES! But it’s nothing particular about him or what he’s doing. It just IS!
That sounds hormonal, doesn’t it?
Gosh, I hope so. Otherwise I’m just crazy.
Women, when was the last time you were thankful for your monthly gift?
Blessings!
Hannah
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