Posted by Hannah Rae on Nov 28, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
It’s been tough.
I failed at the thankfulness countdown.
More trauma.
The babe might be moved soon.
Too soon.
We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
We need our suddenly.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, Being set apart, blogging, Bright Eyes, faith, foster care, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, the hard stuff
Posted by Hannah Rae on Oct 24, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
One of my buttons, that is.
This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!
Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.
One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.
Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!
All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.
Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.
So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Being set apart, Bright Eyes, foster care, infertility, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 18, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
This week has been very different.
Jeremiah is in respite with a good friend who has a therapeutic youth ranch. He’s serving, and hopefully healing.
He’s not here. That’s different.
Because Jeremiah is not here, I can actually go into the next room without thinking about where everything is and what is missing when I return. I can actually use the bathroom without fear of having to figure out what Jeremiah wants me to “catch him” at when I get done. I don’t have to hold my breath and pretend to not smell urine and intestinal gas that could peel paint. I don’t have to check and double check door locks and alarms and keep track of my keys.
It’s quiet. That’s different.
I’m hanging out with Baby E, who sleeps a lot and, unless she is hungry, in which case she screams bloody murder, is otherwise content and smiley. Because she sleeps a lot, I get to actually take a nap in the middle of the day if I want to, but I haven’t really needed too because I am getting the time I need for myself, to renew, to do what I WANT to do, and if that’s nothing, well, then I do nothing.
I’m rested. That’s different.
Hubby and I are spending a lot of good time together. We’re watching a parenting DVD series together and having some great discussions. We’re reading through 1 Corinthians together, and hearing God’s word for us TOGETHER. We’re praying for our marriage, for our sons, for our family TOGETHER. We actually went on 2 dates and talked about things other than our boys’ behaviors!
I’m getting time with my best friend. That’s different.
Jeremiah will be in respite for a few more days because Hubby has to go on a business trip for a couple of days, and I do not feel safe bringing J back yet. So, I will have a few days where it’s just me and the babe. She has a lot of appointments, so we won’t be just sitting around at home, but it will still be odd.
I’m hoping for some productive use of the quiet, and that I can tune out the chaos of my thoughts and hear my Father’s voice. We need some major breakthrough in a lot of areas of our family’s life, and I’m hoping to hear some direction. I want to hear my Father’s heart for us.
Breakthrough. That would be different. 
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, Bright Eyes, foster care, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 5, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
This week I hope that…
- My garden seeds will finally get here, and that the weather will cooperate so I can actually get them in the ground.
- Jeremiah will use his head instead of his butt (our new catchphrase) and will find other ways of amusing himself other than finding ways to try to piss Mom off.
- I finally get my hair cut, cuz my ponytail is getting really heavy.
- The chicken coop gets assembled successfully with as little stress to the hubby as possible.
- Hubby gets a specific phone call that he wants to get.
- I actually get to make important phone calls that I’ve been needing to make.
- Baby E has her first visit with her mom and dad, and that it goes well.
- Hubby continues to draw closer to the lover of his soul.
- I remember that God is good…always…ALWAYS!
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, Bright Eyes, foster care, Gardening, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 3, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
- Gabe is fine. Now that he is 18 and making his own life choices, I will refrain from writing too much about him, other than how his choices are affecting me as his mom. Right now, I miss him and am not really sure how to be. Still working on that.
- Jeremiah is really struggling. He’s been struggling for almost a month now. Daily. Icky, horrible, not fun! He’s deeply afraid of a lot of things, including himself, and loving me. Today, the fear was that he will have to leave. He shouted through tears that he “will not leave! Even if they drag (him) away!” It’s so hard for me to hear, and understand. I’m trying. I just don’t know how to respond to the constant-ness of all the behaviors.
- Baby E is doing great after 3 days in the hospital due to a UTI. She spiked a fever Tuesday night, and after 4 hours of tests (until 5 AM) they admitted her. They kept her for 3 days, 2 even after the fever was gone, because there was a count that came back higher than they liked. So I caught up on naps, sort of. I was so glad to bring her back today. I missed that little face so much.
- Hubby and his dad have been working very hard on our garden beds. For all you southerners, this must be a shock, but you see, it was below freezing last week. So, we are hoping for an Indian summer.
- The menfolk are also working out a plan for our chicken coop. They chickies are full size, and happyily perching on their box. They need to get out of the garage. A dear friend gave us a coop, but it will have to be reconfigured a bit. I am so thankful for my father-in-law.
- There is a new design for this blog coming! SO EXCITED! It was a total surprise from my beloved hubby. It’s gonna be Suh-WEET!
TTFN
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, Bright Eyes, foster care, Gardening, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 26, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
May 25th
2:30 PM – I FINALLY get the call from the hospital social worker that I need to get to the hospital because they are getting ready to discharge the babe.
2:45 PM- I arrive at the hospital and scrub in. E is sleeping, so we get goin’ on paper work. I run to the hospital pharmacy, which was packed like a sardine can. I wait and wait and wait. I get E’s meds and head back to the NICU and scrub in again.
3:45 PM – The wonderful nurses help me double check E’s car seat and pack up all her stuff. (Hurray for free baby formula!) I bring my car around to the pick-up point and head back to the NICU. I scrub in again, but just quickly this time, and get E packed up into her car seat. The nurse puts her on the car and all the amazing NICU nurses say their bittersweet good-byes. I promise to send pictures. I almost cry, ‘cuz they were.
4:00 PM- E sees sunshine and breathes fresh air for the first time since she was transfered to the NICU. We load up into the car and head over to a friend’s to pick up Jeremiah. We are welcomed with ooo’s and awww’s. I have to say a difficult “No” to a friend that asked if she could hold her. I’m guessing that will become a common thing in the next few days. E gets her first floor time ever, and she happily checks out her new world. She even gives a few smiles.
4:30 PM – Jeremiah, Baby E, and Aiti (the Finnish word for Mommy) head home. She sleeps the whole way.
5:15 PM – Isa (Finnish for Daddy) gets to meet his new foster daughter. He falls in love. He immediately asks to hold her AND asks me to take pictures. She is incredibly alert and awake and wants to look at everything. She hangs out with Isa for nearly 2 hours before finally falling asleep.
7:00 PM – Just after she falls asleep, grandma and auntie show up to say hi. They hold the sleeping babe as we visit. She wakes up just in time for them to see her beautiful blue eyes before they leave.
9:00 PM – She sleeps for half hour increments and will only take an ounce of formula at at time. It looks like it will be a long night.
1:00 AM – Aiti is chillin’ on the couch watching the last Oprah episode on the DVR. Babe wakes up at about 1:30 and Aiti gives her her 2 AM med (yes, she takes her meds at 2 AM!) She finally takes a full 4 oz. and falls asleep quickly. She fusses quite a bit, but finally settles in and sleep soundly until…
7:00 AM – Babe wakes up and wants to be fed NOW! I give her her Morning med and try to settle her down. It doesn’t work for more than 10 minutes at a time.
9:00 AM – We’re up an about. I put on the moby wrap (thank you to whoever got that for me btw) and she snuggles in. LOVES IT and is good to go for the rest of the morning. She eats well and stays awake, but calm in the moby.
10:00 AM- Jeremiah gets up and starts playing dumb IMMEDIATELY. He is visibly nervous and needing a lot of hugs. I have him sit on the floor and put the babe in his lap. We talk about how none of this was her choice. I talk to him about making better choices to show her love (as some of the choices were directly aimed at showing his disapproval of her presence, although not directed at her.)
12:30 PM – Headed out to the pediatrician. Had to be there early to fill out paper work.
2:00 PM – First pediatrician’s appointment. Nurses ooo and awww over the little bundle in the green moby. They asked me quite a few questions about the moby, so that was fun. I really enjoy the doctor. He asked all the right questions and answered all of my questions as well. He wants to see her once a week for a while, as he was concerned about her tremors and other withdrawal symptoms. Developmentally, however, she is right on track. YAY!
3:00 PM – Ran errands in town (gotta make the most of every trip, cuz we spent $12 in gas to get there.) Baby E slept the whole time. I had Jeremiah stay in the car with her, cuz it was a bunch of 5 minute stuff.
4:00 PM – Got home and chilled. Jeremiah drama.
7:00 PM – Hubby’s mom showed up with a big surprise, THE SWING I WANTED! Thank you, Mom! Oh, and she must be feeling grand-baby deprived, cuz she also brought a bag of amazing baby loot. She tried to shrug it off that it was all on clearance, but DUDE! I am so overwhelmed with gratitude.
8:00 PM – Got swing put together while watching the season premiere of “So you Think you can Dance?” which I’ve been counting down to for weeks. Put Babe in swing and MAGIC! I think this may be a more peaceful night. It may be cheating, but until her withdrawals are under control, I am totally okay with that.
9:00 PM – E woke up for a little snack, I swaddled her up, and then back to sleep she goes.
11:00 PM – Hubby brings me a giant bowl of Mackinaw Island Fudge ice cream. Dude.
And tonight? Hopefully sleep.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Bright Eyes, foster care, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 23, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
After multiple phone calls from multiple sources, the consensus seems to be that Baby E will be coming home TOMORROW!
The hospital wants me to do an overnight to make sure I understand how to care for her…
Really?
She’s a baby! Yeah, she has some special needs, but we’re not talking a g-tube or ventilator or anything, she’s just ultra sensitive to noise and light.
Anywho, I totally think it’s overkill, so I am going to insist that it is not a necessary step, and not really possible right now anyways.
So, tomorrow I will be picking up a baby girl. Then I will promptly be going to Targe’t to get some essentials since our baby shower hasn’t happened yet.
Thanks to many generous (and fertile) friends, we have the crib and cradle, which are the most important, and plenty of clothes to get started with. I’ll have to get at least a pack of diapers, since the Flips I ordered won’t be here till Wednesday. And I’ll need to get some formula too. I’ve never anticipated using formula, but since I won’t be allowed to breastfeed this little one, well, a woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do. And yes, I mean allowed, because if we were adopting an infant I would breastfeed…’cuz God made our bodies totally amazing, and I could do that.
Someday.
Anywho, very excited.
Also, I’m hoping J gets a conscience sometime between now and then, because otherwise I just may have an aneurysm.
Oy.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: foster care, infertility, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 20, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
I went to visit Baby E again today. She was sleeping when I arrived, so I scooped her up and rocked her, singing and singing. She never stirred besides a few grunts and groans. I love that little face. She seems very peaceful. The nurse said she had a good day and that she is eating really well. She spits up a little, but no reflux, so that’s good. I only stayed about an hour, because she was sleeping, but I know her basic schedule now, so hopefully next time I go (tomorrow?) she will be awake and we will get to chat some more. Did I mention that I love that little face?
I got a present from my dear friend Sherry today. She asked me if I wanted to wait till my shower, and I said “It depends!” She thought it would something I could use right away, so she went out to the car and got it, made me close my eyes, and then TAH DAH! A wet bag and a portable changing station. YAY! Loot! I have such beautiful, giving friends. I love hanging out with them so much. They are truly like sisters.
Anywho, the journey continues. I can’t wait to get the precious girl home.
In the meantime, we are really seeing some regression with Jeremiah. His Psychiatrist took him off of his mood stabilizer about 3 weeks ago, and it has really been a tough time here. He is obsessing over his behavior, and then making the same mistakes/bad decisions over and over and over. And the self-hatred absolutely breaks my heart. I cried at the doctor’s office today, and told Dr. C. that I just can’t stand seeing him feel so hopeless.
Dr. C. said that he is displaying a lot of obsessive symptoms, some that I didn’t even realize he was experiencing, like obsessing over object position. The perfectionism I HAVE noticed. Basically, he feels like if he can’t be perfect, than he might as well purposely mess up, because he is, he feels, perfect at that.
So, he is back on his mood stabilizer (hallelujah!) as well as an anti-depressant, which I thought ab*lify was, but I was wrong. That’s another mood stabilizer. So, we will hopefully start seeing some light for him, as we are all quite tired of this darkness.
Peace be the journey.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, foster care, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 17, 2011 in
Life in the Stubborn house
So…any mamas who have dealt with drug addicted babies, I NEED YOU! We will be starting visits with Baby E at the hospital (possibly tomorrow) so that the nurses can help us transition and understand what she needs. She is really REALLY struggling with withdrawals. She is 5 weeks old already, so this has already been a long journey for her. According to our worker, seasoned nurses have cried over the pain this little one is experiencing. Lord, help us. Heal her.
So, I will know more tomorrow. This means that Kaleb might actually need to get the crib put together.
***Update***
I will be going to visit Baby E tomorrow at the hospital. The hospital social worker wants us to get as much time with her as we can before she comes home, which will most likely be next weekend. I will let you know more after tomorrow. EXCITING!
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Being set apart, foster care, the hard stuff
Posted by Hannah Rae on Apr 30, 2011 in
Laughter Lives Tuesday
I have an amazing God that has blessed me with and through some amazing friends.
MINUTES after I posted about our plan to open our home to infants in need I had friends messaging me to let me know that they will help fill our baby-supply needs. Seriously. Hubby and I are blown away by how the doors are swinging wide open.
Here’s what the Lord has blessed us with already through my amazing friends:
- Crib (YAY! Blew me away.)
- Cradle
- Baby bath
- Play mats
- Bumbo chair
- Bottles
- And “Everything you will need, and more”
- Moby wrap (updated)
- Boppy Pillow (updated)
My biggest wish-list item is was a moby wrap (but then as soon as I wrote this, someone GOT IT FOR ME!), because babies who have been exposed to substances tend to have sensory issues, and I am planning on wearing her as much as possible. Plus I HATE those heavy car-seat carriers.
Here is the link to my Target registry again.
In other news, our new licensing worker came today to do our “renewal” and everything was very quick and smooth. The funniest moment of the visit was when I was showing our worker the room where the baby will be, which is currently housing our baby chicks. She looked at me and said “You know that you won’t be able to have chickens in here once the baby comes.” I just smiled at her and confirmed that I did indeed understand that. She then smiled and said “I’ve never had to say THAT during a licensing visit before.” I bet she hasn’t.
Now we are just waiting for our former agency to give our new agency copies of our homestudy, and we have to get our fingerprints done AGAIN. Thankfully, the hours available to do that are much more reasonable than when we first got licensed, so it shouldn’t be a problem. But still. Again?
Anywho, I am feeling so overwhelmed by God’s providence, and Hubby and I together are having total peace and joy over this, which is the coolest part.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Being set apart, foster care, The SAHM Adventure
