Humble

I had to apologize today…

for being young, and naive, and head strong;

for not seeing the signs, even when people tried to tell me;

for letting love…or was it pride…blind my eyes.

I had to say I’m sorry…

for getting angry over what I knew was true,

but didn’t want to be true,

and now is so true that my windows are at risk of things flying them. And he’s not even here.

So hopefully my ears are hearing better now,

and wisdom has found a few more nooks and crannies to invade,

and bitterness will stay away.

Hopefully I can still have words of hope and encouragement for others,

and maybe even help them hear.

What are you doing, God?

Oh. That.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Being set apart, faith, prayer, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Promise

I will be back;

And we will be glad, you and I,

because that means that we have survived.

In the mean time, we pray, you and I,

and hold onto His promises.

I promise.

Blessings!

Hannah

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When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby….

When an infertile woman suddenly has a baby…

• She realizes just how right she was that something was missing.
• She realizes how much she loves her husband and how amazing he is.
• She realizes how holding a baby (especially in a moby wrap) makes people react to you differently. (More on that soon.)
• She prays for God’s healing of her body more than ever.
• She glows. (or so Hubby tells me.)
• She wonders about God’s plans and purposes…a lot.
• She loves… a lot, and gets a bigger picture of God’s love for her.
• She realizes how much she has enjoyed the freedom of sleeping in.

Blessings!

Hannah

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For the strongest women

Lord, tonight I pray for the strongest women you have made. The ones that are struggling with things only women understand…and you of coarse.

Lord, I pray for my friend whose heart is hurting. The baby girl that was promised to her will not be coming home with her, unless you intervene. She feels cheated and betrayed, and yet she knows that the birth mother is making this choice out of love. But it still hurts. Comfort her heart. Thank you that you have perfect plans for their family.

Lord, I pray for the mama of our sweet Baby E. Lord, I know her heart must be breaking over the consequences of her decisions. Comfort her. Restore her. Draw her to you. Help her be the mama you have made her to be.

Lord, I pray for my sweet friend whose heart is anxious over the life in her womb. There are so many questions. Heal her body, Lord. Heal her heart. Show her more of you than she ever knew possible. Show her your faithfulness. Show her your mercy. Give her friends and family words of encouragement straight from your heart, and help us keep quiet in love when there is nothing that needs to be said.

You are amazing, God. You are. Draw close to us.

Amen and Amen.

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Today

My heart hurts for him today.

He’s trying so hard…

to give up,

To be worth giving up on,

To give us no choice but to give up.

He’s trying so hard

To make sure he gets absolutely nothing good

nothing enjoyable.

He is sure

Absolutely SURE

that in my heart

I hate him

that in my heart

I want to squish him like a bug.

My heart cries for his healing today,

believing in our healer

to heal my son’s heart.

Believing in our provider

to give my son the BEST.

Believing in our comforter

to comfort my heart as it cries for him.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: behavior challenges, Being set apart, faith, parenting, prayer, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Whoa baby!

We maybe,

Might be,

Possibly,

getting a baby…very soon.

I called a new agency that our best friends are licensed through (by our recommendation) that is amazing at making sure that the kids and foster families come FIRST, and not the money. They rock. Anywho, I called them yesterday and left a message saying that we were interested in possibly re-opening our license to take in infants.

So I get a call this morning from a very excited foster care coordinator who told me that there was shrieking with joy when they heard what we wanted to do. AND they have a newborn girl who was born about 2 weeks ago and is drug exposed. She is still at the hospital and they are WAITING for the right family, and they feel we are that family. They know our experience, and actually 2 of the 5 adoption workers that we lost during the boys adoptions work there now, so they know our background and our story already. They know we have experience with special needs children AND that we have lots and lots of training.

Anywho, apparently it will be very easy to re-open our license, so we are getting the ball rolling. Hubby is very passionate about helping the helpless, but he is also very concerned about the finances, especially the start-up costs. Even IF the agency or state reimburses us for the bigger things, we do not have the cushion to absorb the shock right now. That is one of the biggest barriers right now.

What I know is that we have a lot of people who love us, and a lot of them have babies. I also know that, as the saying goes, where God guides, He provides. If this is from Him, He WILL provide what we need. The biggest need right now is a crib. We have a pack n play, but not a traditional crib. I know that the agency has access a grant to buy beds, but again, it’s on a reimbursement basis, and that’s IF they grant people approve it.

Anywho, I set up a target baby registry today, which is something I’ve always dreamed of doing. It was fun, but more than a little overwhelming. I stuck to this list of baby basics, and only put a few “wants” on there.  I’m not sure how to give the registery to you, cuz there is no direct link. I will try to figure that out. Here, try this link and let me know if it doesn’t work. It should bring your right to my registry.

Anywho, I am picking my fried T’s brain like CRAZY! She is an amazing mom and foster mom, and we are in total roll reversal here, and it rocks!

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Being set apart, faith, foster care, The SAHM Adventure

Where? When? How?

There’s a song by Chris Tomlin that’s really popular right now called “I Will Follow” that has some really tough lyrics that I’ve been chewing on lately.

“Where You go, I’ll go
Where You stay, I’ll stay
When You move, I’ll move
I will follow…”

Another song by Kim Walker hits it hard along the same lines.

“Where you go I go
What you say I say
What you pray I pray

Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit

How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good.”

TOUGH STUFF!

I’ve been really struggling lately wanting to know what God wants from me, of me, to do with me. He’s given me many gifts, talents, and passions. Passions for learning, for teaching, and for serving that I have NO IDEA what to do with.

How, Lord, am I supposed to move if I have no idea where you want me to move?

I have a hearing issue I think. So many things clouding MY mind, MY heart, that I can’t hear Him. I have ADHD of the spirit right now.

Here, Lord? There, Lord? Oh, here again?

How do I get quiet? How do I STOP?

Lord, you’ve given me this crazy passion for pregnancy and birth and babies, and yet here I am with an empty womb. What do you want me to do with that passion? WHAT????

Teach? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Be a mama to a baby that needs a mama? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Become a doula to support mamas having babies? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Shut up and just wait? I could do that too…if YOU wanted me to.

But I don’t want to do ANY of these things if it’s not what you want for me. I don’t want to be going left, when you want me to be going right. I don’t want to be going ANYWHERE if you want me to be standing still.

So here I am. Speak to me. I’m trying to listen. Thank you that you hear me and that you don’t get discouraged by my ADHD spirit. I love you. Amen. Amen.

Here’s to our adventures! (Raising a glass of chocolate milk.)

Blessings!

Hannah

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Jeremiah Rockin’ it Out!

Okay, so my embedding is not working for some reason, but I can’t wait any more! I have to show off my kid!

So, to see Jeremiah rockin’ out all of the Old Testament books, go here.

To see Jeremiah rockin’ out all of the New Testament books, go here.

That’s right! This kid ROCKS!

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Being set apart, Education Everywhere, faith

I’ve been thinking…in bullet points.

• I’ve been really blessed to bless some more new mamas recently. I’m getting through baby shower season pretty well, and am really enjoying the friendship with some awesome women. I really love being able to be a part of these little one’s lives, as well as encouraging their parents and offering to babysit whenever, and I mean it!
• I have found an unlikely friend in the mom of one of Jeremiah’s teammates. She is 44, also an adoptive mom, and has worked in the social work and child care field for a long time. We chat at the games, ride together whenever possible, and are really enjoying eachother’s “knowing-ness”. She has been very real with me, and I am extremely thankful for that, even if what she has to say is not always easy to hear….aka, wisdom.
• I really love my husband. I want him to be happy so badly, and when he’s not, well things just don’t feel right. We have a date night on Friday, and I can’t wait. There is nothing I would rather do than spend time with him. Even after almost 9 years, I still feel like we’re dating….well, almost.
• Gabe is on a new med that has less potential for abuse, which is definitely something we wanted to take out of the equation. I am hopeful that he will not have to be dependant on meds as an adult, and this is a good stepping stone.
• Jeremiah is really a medical mystery right now. His platelets are low, causing really easy bruising, which is really fun for a clumsy kid in sports. Also, his calcium level is really high, which his doctor says it is caused by his parathyroid gland being overactive. Interestingly enough, a high calcium level can cause digestive issues and mental health/behavioral issues, both of which Miah struggles with.  Being in the remote area we are, a hematologist is only available monthly, and the endocrinologist only comes up every three months, so it might be a while before we have answers. Prayers are appreciated.
• Gabe’s adoption is being finalized on Monday in our local county’s court. YAY! He is very excited and has invited a bunch of our family and friends to come celebrate with him. We are hoping that Miah will be able to hold it together, cuz it would be a bummer if we had to intervene on Gabe’s big day.
• We still don’t have a day for Miah’s finalization. I am hoping to hear from our worker this week, but we are waiting on a signature from downstate. Ah, the infamous signature.
• Due to some cues Miah has given us, we are most likely leaving him with our close family friends while we go downstate for court. He has expressed quite clearly that if we take him he would not be able to handle it and WILL make a scene. Basically, he wants us to prove that we will fight for him, and in his mind that means a battle. So we are respecting his feelings and will be leaving him home. I’m sure his caseworker and GAL will be disappointed, but as a good friend told me, I’m the mama, and I’ve got to watch out for my kid first. They are adults. They will get over it.
• I’ve got myself on a behavior chart. My goal is to go 2 weeks without losing my temper. It’s been very hard lately with the amped-up behaviors. I did not like who I became the other day, and I fear that I destroyed the progress we had made the day before. Anywho, my goal is that if I can go 2 weeks without losing my temper (which I know very clearly when that happens) I will earn a pampered day off all to myself. So far, 2 days! YAY! 12 to go.
• Gabe has had privileges back for 4 days now, and is really struggling today. He has gone a little privilege drunk, and is starting to really push boundaries. He doesn’t like the freedom in a lot of ways but, of coarse, loves it in many ways as well. I’m trying to treat him l like a 17 year old, but it’s very hard when he is acting like a 12 year old.
• Both boys are doing really well with their summer studies. Jeremiah is loving Mathletics, and asks to spend time on it every day. He’s lost the website privilege for a couple of days but, thankfully, they have printable workbooks, and he’s been really succeeding with those as well. His teacher also gave me access to a website their classroom uses for reading, social studies, and science, so he is working in each of those subjects on almost a daily basis.
• Gabe is working with a family friend who is a very gifted tutor. He is mostly working on Chemistry to get ready for taking it in the fall, and also composition, which is something he really struggles with. His tutor is assigning him documentaries to watch, and then he writes an essay on what he watches. It’s a formula that is working really well. I’ve also ordered some Drive-Thru History episodes that come with teaching materials. They should be here in a couple of days. Exciting!
• God is really working on my heart about what holiness and discipline really mean. More on that another time.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

What I learned in Minnesota

Our family just got back from a wonderful, but all too short trip to my Papa’s house in Northern Minnesota.  My little sister was graduating high school, and she is the last one before the grandchildren take over.

Here are a few things I learned:

• Sleeping 1950′s style sometimes means that you get more sleep, and when you are too tired to do anything fun anyways, why not?
• We have become spoiled snobs when it comes to hotels due to my hubby’s travel points. There ARE some benefits of having to endure 6 months of only seeing your hubby 3 days a week. Not many, but some.
• I still cannot stand the smell of fish. Nope.
• Jeremiah LOVES fish.
• Jeremiah can go three whole days and not lose a single privilege.
• Gabe can draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but barely. He has the welts to prove it.
• My hubby can EASILY draw a 60 lb. draw complex bow, but his shoulders are so wide that he can’t look through the site. He also has the welt to prove it.
• Baby cockatiels are amazingly cute and ugly at the same time. Okay, I already knew this, but it’s worth restating.
• My step-brother and his wifey make gorgeous babies.
• I am getting much better at handling baby announcements without breaking down. YAY!
• I love thunderstorms. Watching lightning in the night sky always makes me think of God’s fireworks.
• My Dad is my biggest cheerleader. He trusts me.
• Little ones grow up WAY too fast.
• Sisterhood has nothing to do with blood.
• I can always trust my Dad to have a good analogy on him at all times.
• God will send you all the way to Minnesota to hear a sermon if He knows your heart needs to hear it.
• There is nothing much better than a date night with your favorite man in the world, even if there are intense subjects to deal with.
• Naps are good.
• Home is where your heart is, truly.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting