We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
17. Silence. This is a new discovery for me. I had the opportunity to go on a silent retreat this weekend and was blown away by how God touched my heart. More on that later I hope.
18. Chai tea and hot chocolate…together. I found some amazing chai tea that has some real kick to it, and when combined with my favorite hot cocoa. MmmMmmMmm goodness.
19. My crock pot. What a versatile tool that thing is. Love it.
20. My sauna. It helps make me clean. Really, really clean. And boy can you tell when you’ve been eating garlic. Hehehe.
Superficial, but worth being thankful for all the same.
15. Cloth diapers. I love our cloth diapers. We decided to use cloth long before we had a baby to diaper. When Baby E came into our lives, I almost forgot our choice until my sister-in-law reminded me, “Hey, weren’t you going to do cloth?” Oh, yeah. I was. Per her recommendation we decided on the Flip system by Cotton Babies. I like a lot of things about this system. It’s one of the least expensive and cost-efficient cloth-diapering systems I’ve found, and it’s very low maintenance. Hubby loves the money these modern beauties save us. We were gifted some disposables that we use when we are out and about, so we realize how many we go through in just one day. I love our flannel wipes just as much. They clean so well and prevent so much waste. See, we have to pay for every bag of trash we put out, so every bit counts. I’m so glad we made that choice.
16. I am thankful for my sisters in Christ. I know I already said how thankful I am for our church family, but within that family are some very special women who chose to share life with me. They are honest, blunt, and loving. They are real and choose to be vulnerable. We laugh a lot. We cry a lot too. We are known to break out into spontaneous prayer for each other at a moment’s notice, and occasionally we break out into song too. I love these women, and I love their kids as well. I prayed for years for a community like them, and God brought them into my life at just the right time.
So, just in case you didn’t know, or are calendar challenged, like I am, the holiday of Thanks Giving is next Thursday.
NEXT. WEEK.
So that means that procrastinators, such as myself, need to get their butts in gear and start preparing their hearts, minds, and blogs for some major thankfullness.
I’ve been inspired by bloggers, whose organizational skills I covet, and their beautiful posts expressing an area of thankfullness (why is that not a word?) for each day leading up to the 24th. Posts like this remind me how truly blessed, spoiled really, I am.
So, I have some catching up to do.
I am thankful for:
My relationship with my Heavenly Father. This might sound cliche, but this year especially I am so thankful for knowing my creator in a personal way and, more importantly, that He knows me. That He knows my needs in ways that only He can; that not even I know. That is good.
My husband. He is my best friend. He is so much more than that. He has truly become part of who I am, but that is what becoming one is supposed to be, right? More on him next week.
My sister, Rachel. She is my other best friend. I am so thankful for her support and her joy.
My sons. They are a learning experience that I never knew I needed. They’ve stretched me. They’ve brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. They made me a mom.
My critters. I am so glad that God made animals. I love my fuzzy friends. They were my first children, and I even got to name them. Hehehe. (Infertile women, unite!)
Baby E. She is my sunshine. I am thankful for every day with her. Enough said.
My family near and far. God gave me you for times like this. I love you. One of you needs to invent a teleporter, like, NOW!
My church family. I can’t even describe how much I love you. I recognize that very few are blessed with a community of believers like the one my beloved and I belong to.
My community of trauma mamas and papas. I can not imagine going through this journey of parenthood without your support, wisdom, friendship, and dark humor.
My home. It’s quirky, but I love it. My favorite part is our living room. It’s big enough to romp around in (think what you will), and has a beautiful sandstone wall and a fireplace. Oh, how I love our fireplace! If we are ever out of this trauma cycle and actually get to remodel, I want to put a stone hearth (is that what it is?) around it so that I can use it for cooking. Wouldn’t that be cool? I think so.
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I love this place. It’s something you just have to experience to understand. The lakes, the trees, the snow (yes, I love the snow!), the stars, the people, there’s just nothing like it.
Food. I am so thankful that we have access to so many choices and flavors and that I can create with, and enjoy, and nourish my family. Food is good.
Electricity. I often long for the simpler things, and I know I could do without this modern convenience, but I am definitely thankful for it. It allows me to listen to beautiful music and uplifting messages. It allows me to watch shows and movies that make me laugh and cry. It allows me to share life with friends and family far away. It allows me to share my mind and heart with you. It’s a good thing.
My health. This is an area I’ve struggled through my whole life, and it still is a struggle, but when I put things into perspective, my health issues are mainly annoyances. My body is strong and can fight things off in a reasonable amount of time. I have access to medicines and supplements and all kinds of nutrients, as well as the ability to research them. Plus, I know who my healer is, and that is good.
Okay, that’s 14. Now, hopefully I will be able to remember to continue to post for the next 10 days.
I think that my journey with infertility gives me unique perspective on certain issues in our world.
Not just my infertility, but my intense passion for children and their well-being.
I. Love. Kids.
So things like this make me really happy.
I could watch programs about child development for hours. I never tire of the miracle of how we are created and are continually shaped into these amazingly unique beings.
On side note, if you are a parent, or someone who loves a child, and you haven’t read Nancy Tillman’s “On the Night You were Born,” you need to. Amazing. Plus, it’s featured, along with other Tillman titles, at Kohl’s this month in support of their Kohl’s Cares for Kids campaign, so it’s a good time to get it.
On the flip side, just like the things that highlight the beauty and wonder of children make me full of joy, anything that disregards or causes harm to children makes me so angry that…well, I just don’t have words.
I don’t have words for things like this:
No words, except: This. Must. Stop.
I have to be so careful to guard my heart in this area, because the subject of abortion, or even unwanted children is such a breeding ground for hatred and bitterness in my heart, even bitterness against my Heavenly Father. All the “why’s” creep up, and it’s hard to stop them once they start. So I am careful. And I pray.
And I wait on what God has to say to my heart. And I stop trying to understand, ‘cuz I won’t this side of heaven.
And then I go back to rejoicing in God’s creation, and how every life is precious. I watch things like this (one of my favorites EVER!) to gain some perspective:
I. Love. Life.
And it doesn’t stop here.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Kohl’s did not compensate me in any way for my mention of them. All opinions are my own.
p.p.s. Baby E was cracking my up today with her singing and jabbering. She is such a delight.
First, I was going to write this amazingly detailed post about how I long for the simpler things, and simpler times, and how much joy I get out of the hard, day-to-day, mama work; but then that amazingly detailed post turned into an amazingly LONG post. Hehehe. So, I scrapped that.
THEN I was going to post about how excited I am that today is Halloween; not because I like Halloween, because I really, really don’t, but because it means that tomorrow we get to start getting ready for two AWESOME holidays, namely Thanks Giving and Christmas, but since I already kind of wrote about my Halloween feelings here, and I will definitely be writing plenty about Thanks Giving and Christmas, I decided that I didn’t have much to actually say about that subject right now.
And then I was going to write about how annoying it is that people, especially young people, in today’s culture don’t know the basic rules of grammar, and tend to write in discombobulated thoughts that turn into really long run-on sentences, but who wants to read about that?
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. Praise Jesus!
This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!
Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.
One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.
Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!
All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.
Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.
So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.
Hey, I missed a day of blogging. Sorry about that.
I had to think for a few moments longer than I would like to admit about what I actually did yesterday.
Oh, yeah! I spent the day with two amazing ladies jabbering away as we worked on random projects.
Every month or so, a group of my amazing lady friends and I get together at the incredible Miss Angie’s (no, not the uber-cool Christian punk rocker from the 90′s) for a “craft day”. Normally this results in a lot more yakking getting done than crafts, but we enjoy it all the same. Yesterday nearly everyone bailed out, (wimps!) so it was just the three of us. Amazingly, we actually got some stuff done!
I brought a box of my dad’s paper keepsakes that I’ve been sorting through, as well as a file box where I am neatly cataloging items that might be significant to various family members. I even remembered a paper bag to put the discarded items in. I was very proud of myself! Miss Sherry brought her sewing machine, which she admirably fixed herself after the foot fell off, and worked on a pocket advent calendar. Miss Angie made us all hungry as she attempted (successfully?) to make her first pumpkin pie from scratch. Okay, the filling was from scratch.
Although I was glad to get some sorting done, the fellowship was, as always, the most valuable part. We talked about so many different subjects, and I got to know my friends so much better. These women, even the wimps that weren’t there, are such a blessing in my life. For years I prayed for female friends that I could truly get close to and share life with, and God has truly answered my prayer with these women. We support each other, pray for each other, and are blatantly honest with each other when necessary. We laugh a lot, cry a lot, and sometimes even laugh till we cry. Plus, we love each other’s kiddos, which is very important, because there are a lot of little ones in our church family right now.
Anywho, it was a very worthwhile way to spend the day. I left my pitifully ill hubby in the good hands of my FIL, and brought home pizza at the end of the day, so all was well. And the gals were amazed at how happy and content Baby E was while we worked. Her healing amazes me every day.
What relationships outside of your family are you most thankful for? What do you do, or pretend to do, on the days that you need to get away with those who lift you up?
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. To all the wimps, I LOVE YOU! I was just speaking out of pure disappointment that I didn’t get to be in your wonderful presence.
It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).
When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.
Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.
So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:
I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
I don’t mind doing dishes. This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well.
I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.
So this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!
And boy can you tell when you’ve been eating garlic. Hehehe.
