Right Now

Right now

I am not liking being Mom.

Right now

I am not liking my sons

Right now

I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.

Right now

I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.

Right now

I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a  baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.

Right now

I can’t do it anymore.

Right now

I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.

Right now

I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.

Right now

I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.

Right now

I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.

Right now

I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.

No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.

Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”

Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.

Blessings! (Of better days than this.)

Hannah

1 hour later

Right now

I am feeling calmer.

I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.

Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.

Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.

I just won wheel of fortune in my room.

I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.

4 Hours Later

Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.

I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.

I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.

Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.

Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.

But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.

Sneaky.

But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.

Survived.

And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.

I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.

Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.

3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure

Just me and the boys. I can do it! Right?

Well, let’s see.

2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..

We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.

It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!

Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.

Blessings!

Hannah

No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, family fun, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

He’s official!!!

As of 1:30 PM this afternoon, June 28th 2010, Gabe is officially stubborn! YAY!!!

He was nervous. He ate an entire bowl (like, glad container bowl) of taco casserole, plus a bowl of green grapes, at 11:30. He eats when he’s nervous, and he hates that I know that he eats when he’s nervous.

Jeremiah was nervous. He was bummed because we still don’t have a date for his adoption day. He was a bit mopey, but over all held it together.

Gabe was so excited to have many people who love him and care about him show up for court today. Gabe’s worker was there, as well as our adoption worker, whom we have never met before, so that was great. Hubby’s mom, grandma, and sister were there. Many of our closest friends also made the trip, and thankfully one of them remembered a camera, otherwise we would have been picture-less.

The court hearing was short, as I knew it would be. Gabe was glad that he didn’t have to say much, just a lot of yes sir’s. The judge gave a nice speech that I’ve heard at many adoption proceedings about how this is his favorite part of the job. It was nice. We got a picture with the judge afterwords, and he said he would love a copy. That made me smile.

After court we all headed to a local restaurant for a very fun time of celebrating and laughing together. Gabe felt very loved. That’s because he is. Oh, and he ate A LOT!

After dropping Hubby off at work, we went for a little DQ for dessert. Yum!

Gabe requested our family’s favorite dish, affectionately named “Rufus”, for dinner. It was amazing, as usual. Great job, lovey!

So that was our day. And now we wait for Jeremiah’s. Soon, we hope.

Thank you to all who are along for the journey.

Blessings!

Hannah

So now we wait for Jeremiah’s.

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, Family Traditions, parenting

I’ve been thinking…in bullet points.

• I’ve been really blessed to bless some more new mamas recently. I’m getting through baby shower season pretty well, and am really enjoying the friendship with some awesome women. I really love being able to be a part of these little one’s lives, as well as encouraging their parents and offering to babysit whenever, and I mean it!
• I have found an unlikely friend in the mom of one of Jeremiah’s teammates. She is 44, also an adoptive mom, and has worked in the social work and child care field for a long time. We chat at the games, ride together whenever possible, and are really enjoying eachother’s “knowing-ness”. She has been very real with me, and I am extremely thankful for that, even if what she has to say is not always easy to hear….aka, wisdom.
• I really love my husband. I want him to be happy so badly, and when he’s not, well things just don’t feel right. We have a date night on Friday, and I can’t wait. There is nothing I would rather do than spend time with him. Even after almost 9 years, I still feel like we’re dating….well, almost.
• Gabe is on a new med that has less potential for abuse, which is definitely something we wanted to take out of the equation. I am hopeful that he will not have to be dependant on meds as an adult, and this is a good stepping stone.
• Jeremiah is really a medical mystery right now. His platelets are low, causing really easy bruising, which is really fun for a clumsy kid in sports. Also, his calcium level is really high, which his doctor says it is caused by his parathyroid gland being overactive. Interestingly enough, a high calcium level can cause digestive issues and mental health/behavioral issues, both of which Miah struggles with.  Being in the remote area we are, a hematologist is only available monthly, and the endocrinologist only comes up every three months, so it might be a while before we have answers. Prayers are appreciated.
• Gabe’s adoption is being finalized on Monday in our local county’s court. YAY! He is very excited and has invited a bunch of our family and friends to come celebrate with him. We are hoping that Miah will be able to hold it together, cuz it would be a bummer if we had to intervene on Gabe’s big day.
• We still don’t have a day for Miah’s finalization. I am hoping to hear from our worker this week, but we are waiting on a signature from downstate. Ah, the infamous signature.
• Due to some cues Miah has given us, we are most likely leaving him with our close family friends while we go downstate for court. He has expressed quite clearly that if we take him he would not be able to handle it and WILL make a scene. Basically, he wants us to prove that we will fight for him, and in his mind that means a battle. So we are respecting his feelings and will be leaving him home. I’m sure his caseworker and GAL will be disappointed, but as a good friend told me, I’m the mama, and I’ve got to watch out for my kid first. They are adults. They will get over it.
• I’ve got myself on a behavior chart. My goal is to go 2 weeks without losing my temper. It’s been very hard lately with the amped-up behaviors. I did not like who I became the other day, and I fear that I destroyed the progress we had made the day before. Anywho, my goal is that if I can go 2 weeks without losing my temper (which I know very clearly when that happens) I will earn a pampered day off all to myself. So far, 2 days! YAY! 12 to go.
• Gabe has had privileges back for 4 days now, and is really struggling today. He has gone a little privilege drunk, and is starting to really push boundaries. He doesn’t like the freedom in a lot of ways but, of coarse, loves it in many ways as well. I’m trying to treat him l like a 17 year old, but it’s very hard when he is acting like a 12 year old.
• Both boys are doing really well with their summer studies. Jeremiah is loving Mathletics, and asks to spend time on it every day. He’s lost the website privilege for a couple of days but, thankfully, they have printable workbooks, and he’s been really succeeding with those as well. His teacher also gave me access to a website their classroom uses for reading, social studies, and science, so he is working in each of those subjects on almost a daily basis.
• Gabe is working with a family friend who is a very gifted tutor. He is mostly working on Chemistry to get ready for taking it in the fall, and also composition, which is something he really struggles with. His tutor is assigning him documentaries to watch, and then he writes an essay on what he watches. It’s a formula that is working really well. I’ve also ordered some Drive-Thru History episodes that come with teaching materials. They should be here in a couple of days. Exciting!
• God is really working on my heart about what holiness and discipline really mean. More on that another time.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

To the Dad…

Who didn’t know if he wanted to be one,

Who didn’t know if he could be one,

Who told God that he’d accept it if it came,

but chose to open his heart in an unexpected way;

To the dad who is so young, but no one knows it,

whose wisdom and strength are beyond his years,

who fights for his family, even the ones he didn’t know he wanted,

and who melts with our sons in his arms;

To you, my love, I send this out into all of the cyberspace world

because YOU DESERVE all the honor and respect I could possibly pour out on this page.

You may have not chosen to be a father, but I see you chose every day to be a great father.

God is using you to heal the hearts of our boys.

God is using our boys to heal yours.

And my heart is full.

I love you. Enough said.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, marriage, parenting

And then…

There’s me.

I’m not sure why I haven’t been writing. Lots of things combined, I suppose.

I’ve been feeling a bit embarrassed to write everything that’s been going on. My fellow RAD moms understand, but I fear that to the rest of you, the rest of the world, it simply seems like whining, or something I write for shock value. Neither of which I want to be true.

So I don’t write about it.

Things have been so chaotic that it seems my brain cannot seem to put coherent sentences together. I’ve been forgetting a lot of details of life…appointments, errands, to get up in the morning etc…

So I don’t remember details to write about.

I’ve been tired.

I’m trying to organize my thoughts, cuz I believe there are things worth writing about along our journey, I just can’t seem to get them to translate from heart language to head language to typing language.

So there it is.

Oh. A PRAISE! Jeremiah’s subsidy paperwork came through…so…that means we are only waiting on court dates now.

Blessings!

Hannah

4 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, blogging, The SAHM Adventure

Jeremiah’s Mother’s Day Poem

With commentary

My Mom

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She is happy when I am good.

She likes to listen to me when I play.

She cares for me.

She always remembers to tell me to take a shower.

(I definitely giggled when I read that.)

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She keeps me safe from danger.

She cries when I am hurt.

She worries that I will run away.

She feels sad  when I am crying.

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

She likes to tell me about when I was born.

(What I know, that is, and we fill in the details together.)

She understands when I am upset.

She dreams that I will be president.

(He admitted he didn’t know what I dream of, so he made something up.)

She hopes that I do good in school.

My mom is the greatest mom in the world.

My mom loves me, and I love her.

I wouldn’t trade her for no one else.

Mom, you are the greatest mom. I love you.

Love, Jeremiah

He’s able to say it. I am so thankful.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

Mother’s Day Part 1

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It’s an interesting day for me because of children I parent and the hurt they come from. It gets even more interesting when you add my journey with infertility into the mix.

One comment from an excellent post on RAD and Mother’s Day says it best, “The best thing about Mother’s Day for a RAD blogger mom is that it’s worth at least a week’s worth of posts.” Thanks, Kerrie. I guess I will be typing a lot this week.

Anywho, yesterday Miah shared a deep piece of pain from his heart and how much he misses his birth mom. It was so hard for him to share, and I was so proud of him. I told him that one thing our counselor suggested was that he could write letters to his birth mom and keep them in a special place so that he can give them to her if/when he finds her some day. He liked that idea. He felt good that he knew that I was not hurt by the fact that he misses her.

Today, I paid for that conversation.

He had let me in close, and today he felt terrified that he had allowed himself to open up to me like that.

Not. A. Fun. Morning.

He raged passively (yes, you can do that) and aggressively for a long time. It got even worse when I told him that my heart was telling me that maybe he was mad that he let me in close and told me about how he misses his birth mom. “How did you know that?” he yelled. “Who told you that?” I’d hit the nail on the head. Whoops.

More raging.

Finally crying.

Finally rocking.

Finally crying, and sobs, and memories, and reassurances.

“I know.”

“You’re right! It’s not fair. I wasn’t your choice.”

“I know. You miss her so much.”

One part that made me laugh…sort of…was when he was describing her and said that she wasn’t skinny, but big, like me. Thanks, Babe. Glad to know that brings you comfort.

It’s a very different journey, parenting these two boys of mine. Gabe has 15 years of memories with two other Mommies before me. Jeremiah has 6 years with who knows how many Mommies….at least 8. Gabe was not old enough to remember his birth mom. Jeremiah was. He was 6 when he had his last visit with her. He remembers just enough to make what he doesn’t remember that much more painful.

My husband has said of me lately that I am uniquely covered with God’s grace. It’s what my name means. I don’t quite understand it. In my mind I feel like I should be hurt by the fact that my boys, especially my baby, miss their mommies. But I’m not. I am a little jealous of the moments I missed out on, but when Miah talks about missing his mommy, or Gabe talks about wanting to find his mom someday, I understand. I’m thankful to God for that covering of grace, because feeling that jealousy or hurt would make this job that much harder.

Tomorrow will bring what it brings. I am teaching Children’s Church, so that will be fun.

Blessings!

Hannah

2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, faith, infertility, marriage, parenting, RAD, The SAHM Adventure

Baseball and bad attitudes.

First, some good news.

Got an important call from an important State Trooper saying that an important legal matter of Gabe’s was being dropped. YAY! Thank you for all of you who were praying, even when you didn’t know what you were praying about.

Jeremiah has his first baseball game tomorrow. YAY! I am beyond excited….for him….and for me. I’m just loving being able to say “That’s my son!”He’s really doing well, and I’m hoping this is something he falls in love with and succeeds at. He needs some succeeding.

Unfortunately, we are in horrible need of rain, and it looks like God will be answering our moisture prayers tomorrow night. YUCK! Yay, God for the rain! I’m just hoping it comes the rest of the day, and stops around 5:00.

Now. What to do with a certain 17-year-old’s bad attitude. An attitude that has recently earned him 4 extra weeks of restriction. We saw something very similar happen last spring, so we are thinking possible trauma-versary. I’m just hoping that we can reach his heart before this goes too far.

Oh! And if you are praying, and I hope you are, please be praying that Jeremiah’s subsidy paperwork comes through ASAP. His consent to adoption came through 2 weeks ago, and Gabe’s consent and subsidy came through, like, 6 weeks ago, so we are just waiting on Miah’s. Our adoption worker 3.0 is bugging the worker incessantly, so I’m hoping we hear any day now.

Only 3 weeks of school left. Huh? Okay. Gotta figure that out too.

Blessings!

Hannah

No comments yet | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Education Everywhere, faith, family fun, parenting, prayer, RAD

My Blog Post of Bullet Points

• I am currently Listening to this song by Emerson Hart cuz a dear friend wanted to pass the message on to an old flame. I’ve only broken up with someone twice, and one of the men is now my husband, so the sentiment is not the same, but I can see why the lyrics rung so deeply with him.
• I was delightfully surprised today when a box arrived containing a W!!. Hubby knew I’ve been wanting one for a long time, especially the W!! Fit, which he got for me. YAY! I only played for a total of 47 minutes today and already burned about 400 calories, and it was so much fun. I also found out that Jeremiah has been playing it quite a bit at school, and that he CHEATS! HORRIBLY!!!
• I had even MORE fun playing catch with my sons in the back yard today. After two very chilly, windy days it was finally warm enough to play outside. Jeremiah is starting in Little League for the first time, so we needed to get some catch practice in. He is so naturally gifted in everything athletic. I played fast and slow-pitch softball for 11 years growing up, and I was fairly good, so I really enjoyed showing him the ropes. I was excited when I found out that even after about 6 years of not playing at all, it came back pretty naturally. Gabe did a fabulous job of not making himself the center of attention, which is something we’ve been struggling with lately. He encouraged Miah, but let me take the lead. Not one instance of know-it-all syndrome. YAY!!!! Gabe even played catcher for us while I taught Miah to pitch. He really could be a pitcher if he wanted to be. I think he could be any position, but he has really good accuracy in his throwing, so short stop or pitcher might be a good fit. We’ll see. He’s never played in a league before, but because he is already so good at hitting, catching, and throwing, the head coach put him in the Majors.
• The pups are 4 weeks old now, and their personalities are bigger than they are. I am so blessed that we have found homes for all of them already. 2-3 more weeks before they will go to their new homes.
• The only thing I DON’T like about the W!! Fit is that it tracks BMI. I HATE BMI!!!! Even my amazing nutrition professor in college told me that BMI is a bunch of HOOEY and that it has absolutely no accuracy in indicating someone’s health. The stupid thing placed me at 36, which is at the top of their obese scale. Now, I admit I am overweight, and my goal weight is to lose about 50 lbs, but I am NOWHERE NEAR MORBIDLY OBESE! I am 6’1″ and have a large frame, and the stupid thing says that my goal weight is 166 lbs. Yeah. I weighed that when I was 16 and ANOREXIC! You could see my ribs and collar bone for goodness sake. My sister Rachel, who is 5’10 and…well…a little more than 166 lbs  would be considered overweight by this thing. MY GORGEOUS, THIN, ACTIVE SISTER. So, that’s my rant about BMI, and the only thing I don’t like about the W!! Fit.
• I read this awesome post by Goggy about the uniqueness of the journey of the infertile couple, especially when they adopt. It really touched my heart and rang true with me. I will probably reflect more on that another time.
• The pups have been getting so much attention lately, I didn’t want my beautiful Juji bird to feel left out. So here is my beautiful Juji eating her favorite food, corn. She actually  loves to pose, and as I am writing this she is cuddling with my cheek. She’s such a joy, and a BIG trouble maker. Yesterday she hopped down on the floor and raced across the living room (with her famous crow hop) simply to attack Hubby’s feet. What a lovable stinker.

• Both my boys love video games, but especially Jeremiah. He has been willing to do just about anything, including  breaking and entering, to get just a few minutes of screen time. At bed time tonight he asked me I enjoyed playing my new game today. I told him that I had a lot of fun, but I had even more fun playing baseball with him. His eyes lit up and asked “Really? Why?” I told him that no video game could ever replace how much fun I have playing with my sons. He thought that was pretty cool, and because I know how much he loves video games, I know it meant a ton to him. In his prayers after that, he even called me his favorite Mommy. Awww.
• Be praying for both boys, as I know many of you do. Jeremiah is struggling every day with some major flashbacks, and his tantrums have been very violent and self destructive lately. Pray for his safety and that God’s peace and healing would reign over his mind, body, and spirit. He also had some blood work today to test his plalette levels as he’s been bruising really easily lately. A simple tickle fight leaves bruises on his ribs. It may just be his fair skin, but we wanted to be sure. They also checked his De*acote levels, as he’s been growing a ton and his doctor is concerned that it might be having an effect on these mood swings we’ve been seeing.
• Gabe is in some legal trouble right now that he needs lots of prayer cover for. Can’t go into details, but please pray for his heart and that God uses this as a character building time, and a time for us to speak life into him.

• Oh, YAY! Hubby is home for the next COUPLE OF MONTHS! SERIOUSLY! NO TRAVELING! It’s already making a huge differerence with the boys AND with Hubby. He’s so much happier now. YAY! That’s a huge answer to prayer. Not to mention I happen to kind of like the guy, and the extra hugs and kisses have been a huge mood booster for me.

Okay, enough bullets. I hope you enjoyed the update. I’m hoping that the beautiful weather will put me in writing mood this week. I have a lot on my heart, it just needs to make it’s way to my fingers.

Blessings!

Hannah

1 comment so far | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, Being set apart, blogging, faith, family fun, infertility, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, the critters, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure