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And I’m still thankful…on purpose.
It’s been tough.
I failed at the thankfulness countdown.
More trauma.
The babe might be moved soon.
Too soon.
We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
We need our suddenly.
Blessings!
Hannah
Trauma has given me….
Well, I’ll get to that.
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. 
Praise Jesus!
It’s been hard to write…
because…
- Gabe’s still gone, but I’ve said all I know to say about that.
- I still want a baby, I still don’t have one, and I’ve said all I know to say about that.
- Jeremiah still struggles, but is getting stronger every day. I need to learn to say more about that, but day to day it’s hard for me to recognize and process.
I guess I need some new topics to help me feel “un-rutted.”
Do any of my readers have any questions or topics they would like me to write about?
Oh, and I DID take more chickie pictures today, so hopefully I will get them off my phone and uploaded tomorrow. YAY! They are so cute!
Blessings!
Hannah
We made it! :)
Dear Son,
Today you turned 18. We made it! All those nights of crying over you, praying over you, and convincing you and ourselves that we would not give up have paid off. We made it! I am thankful to say that every day gets better.
Who knew that when I was only 8 years old, you were created in your mother’s womb, and one day you would be MY son?
God did.
Who knew that a summer teaching job would lead to the promised motherhood I had been hoping for? Who knew that what the world might see as a random meeting, a random conversation, an odd connection, God would use to make a family, and bring hope to a hopeless child?
God did.
I remember that conversation on that cloudy mountain. I remember your tears and your verbalized hopes and fears for the future. Who would take a chance on a 15 year-old boy who had already been deemed a lost case by the ones he called his parents for 13 years? Who would dare or risk to love a damaged adolescent when he would age out soon enough?
God would.
We would, because he brought you to us.
And you are becoming a man; growing every day in ways that neither you nor we expected; surprising us in the best ways.
Bumps are just bumps, and no longer Mount Everest.
Son, I appreciate you so much. You are a hard worker and such a big help to your mama. (And yes, I am freaking out that I am 26 and am experiencing the first pangs of empty nest syndrome!) You are cuddly when you need to be, and strong when it matters most. I feel safe with you around because I always know that you will step up if I need you.
What I want for you this year is to see you grow into the man that your heavenly Father has called you, created you, and named you to be. I am praying that God will reveal that vision that He has for you to you so clearly that every step you take is toward Him and what He has for you. I want to see you continue to be brave and allow God’s healing to flow in you. I want you to realize and BELIEVE what an amazing, resilient, and intelligent son I have.
My precious Yishai, I love you. I am so glad that God brought you into my life. I am so glad that you are my first born, and I am so blessed to be called your mama. You are truly my gift.
Love forever,
and ever,
Your Mama
I rock because I’m trying.
Yay for friends!
Yay for friends who have been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and survived.
Yay for friends who will tell you all the things you are doing RIGHT and help you shape the rest.
Yay for all the moms who are trying.
WE ROCK!
Blessings!
Hannah
Homeschooling Adventure: The Space
Jeremiah’s workspace was created by using an old college desk that we got at our local Habitat for Humanity Restore for around $20. My sister had been using it for her TV, but she wasn’t too sad to part with it. My hubby hooked him up with a laptop that he bought from his company for $10 so he can do his Mathletics and Spelling City work. The laptop is loaded with edubuntu, which has a bunch of awesome educational games on it, including a typing tutor.
His desk is currently parked in our “foyer” in front of our big formal door that is the biggest air leak ever! It is taped up for the winter, so it’s the perfect place. It’s just off the living room, and kitty corner to the dining room, so I can see him from just about everywhere. It’s also opposite of our big mirror, so he is not far if he needs to fix his face or do some self-talking.
The desk has a cork board backing for him to tack reminders to, as well as for me to post “good job” messages and certificates, like his SILVER certificate from Mathletics. He worked really hard for that, and I want him to look his hard work and success in the face. LOOK AT IT!
The only downside to where his desk is, is that he is only 10 feet away from Juji’s cage. Juji bird has been getting VERY NOISY in the morning as of late. We are both working on ignoring her bad behavior.
Ideas? Suggestions? Favorite things?
Blessings!
Hannah
Why they are not equipped to handle my son
Friday will be my last day teaching Kindergarten and Preschool.
For now.
I’m sad.
I will miss my 4, 5, and 6 year-olds. A. Lot.
But I know it’s what is necessary.
It comes not out of the want to stop teaching, but the need to better meet Jeremiah’s needs. The school he is attending, the one I am currently teaching at, has recently realized the tip of the trauma that Jeremiah has gone through and what behaviors that trauma produces. They feel ill-equipped to say the least.
The following is an excerpt of a conversation with a friend of mine after he asked why the school felt they couldn’t meet Miah’s needs…
Question: What do you think they might need to be equipped for Jeremiah?
Answer: People. I suggested in all seriousness that they take you on as a school social worker. They just don’t have the budget right now. Grrrr! In my conversations with Mrs. V., I explained to her that all Jeremiah needs is a place with nothing breakable to cool off until he comes to his senses. He is not dangerous. He is not going to murder anyone. All he needs is a place where he is not going to receive negative attention. The response: We don’t have anyone who could supervise him.
Great answer. GET SOMEONE! Sorry, venting.
The other issue is that he is working at a 2nd grade level, but can’t be trusted to be with the 2nd graders, even if he would tolerate that, because he was caught showing some inappropriate drawings to classmates. The only difference between him and multiple other boys in the 4th and 5th grade classes is that he doesn’t have the sense to not show those pictures around.
So again, basically they are overwhelmed because they have never dealt with a child like Jeremiah before.
But they will.
Especially if they are trying to operate as a ministry to families that need a Christian education for their kids, instead of a pretty people’s club.
There’s that darn soap box again.
Thank you for understanding. For wanting to understand.
Blessings!
Hannah
So there’s the rub. It sucks in a lot of ways, but I am also excited at the prospect of homeschooling Jeremiah for this season in his life and helping bring about the healing he so desperately needs. After a year and half or so of concentrated mom-teach time, I am hoping that he might be at the place where he can rejoin his peers in the small school environment again. Or maybe not. And if not, I will be okay with that. We will be okay with that.
So now…the homeschooling adventure begins!
So yes, I will be picking all your home-schooling-mama brains.
Blessings!
Hannah
Right Now
Right now
I am not liking being Mom.
Right now
I am not liking my sons
Right now
I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.
Right now
I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.
Right now
I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.
Right now
I can’t do it anymore.
Right now
I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.
Right now
I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.
Right now
I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.
Right now
I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.
Right now
I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.
No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.
Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”
Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.
Blessings! (Of better days than this.)
Hannah
1 hour later
Right now
I am feeling calmer.
I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.
Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.
Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.
I just won wheel of fortune in my room.
I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.
4 Hours Later
Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.
I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.
I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.
Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.
Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.
But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.
Sneaky.
But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.
Survived.
And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.
I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.
Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.
Just me and the boys. I can do it! Right?
Well, let’s see.
2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..
We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.
It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!
Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.
Blessings!
Hannah
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