Back to school…for ME!

It’s been very busy around the Stubborn house lately.

Mama has been getting ready for school.

After being laid off since last October, I am going to be teaching preschool and kindergarten this fall at a small Christian academy. I’ve been contracted all summer to get the licensing process done, and we are in the very final step of completing that. I just had to make some minor adjustments to our policies and procedures. Very minor, since the school has most of what’s required written already.

I really have been torn all summer about going back to work, and so has my whole family. Hubby has gotten used to having me available to manage the home and keep the boys appointments and such in order, and that is going to be more difficult with me working full time again. Also, both boys have versed some anxiety over Mama working. Jeremiah is especially having a hard time. Even if I have to leave him at home while I attend a meeting, when I come home he makes sure to make it very clear that he was NOT HAPPY that I left him.

THANKFULLY Jeremiah will get to attend the school for free, so I will not have to be 1/2 hour away from him. YAY! I am hoping that he will feel more secure…as much as possible…with me just down the hallway. I’m hoping that it won’t mean that he will have more “home-style” behaviors at school, since he has proven himself to be very well-behaved at school.

Miah is also VERY excited to bring his lunch to school this year. Last year, since he got free lunch at school, I insisted that he take advantage of it. This year, since our school doesn’t serve hot lunch, he will get his dream. I am guessing the excitement will last about 2 days…maybe 3.

Gabe has been very supportive, and since we only had 2 suspensions last year, I am confident that he can handle being a little further away from Mom. Also, he has an extra motivator for good behavior, because he is playing football this fall, and Mom and Dad have made their expectations VERY CLEAR as to how much…or little…tolerance we will have before football goes bye-bye.

BUT the whole work thing kinda sucks because most of Gabe’s games are away…like really away…and I will have a hard time making those. Thankfully 2 of the first 4 games are home games. Hubby will have no idea what’s going on on the field, but he is excited to see Gabe play. I’m excited that Gabe is so excited.

So, the Stubborn house is really movin’ right now. Papa Stubborn is all in his own category. Lots and lots of prayers for him would be appreciated. Lots. Biggest thing being stress and time.

I am very excited about teaching, just concerned about the details and how everything will run.

Oh! Speaking of running! We are trying to figure out what to do about my car. I have a ’98 Buick PA that has seen better days. We are trying to decide whether to spend the good sum of money to get my car up to par so it will be able to handle the 60 mile round trip each day, or to trade it in to get a newer vehicle. Wisdom wisdom. Yes, Lord.

Okay. That’s all for now.

Oh! One more thing! Anyone know of good teacher discounts out there? Special offers?

Blessings!

Hannah

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Over the Hell Hump!?!?

3 days of good behavior. Not perfect, but amazingly good.

3 days of a little boy just acting like a little boy.

Playing. Eating birthday cake. Playing. Riding bike. Playing. Laughing. Swimming. Going to movies.

Kid stuff.

Normal. Everyday. Kid Stuff.

Wonderful.

Am I naive to think this is the end? No. Definitely not setting myself up for disappointment like that.

But, I am hoping that this is the beginning.

Yes. The beginning would be good.

Here’s to all our children’s beginnings!

Blessings!

Hannah

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Birthday Bullets (Points that is.)

• Tomorrow, July 28th, is my 26th birthday. Yes. 26.
• My husband is a pessimist, so he (who is also 26) has us at 100 already. You see, we are 26, so we are almost 30, so we are almost 50, so we are almost 100. Get it? Yeah. Me too.
• I am so glad to be home. So so so so so so so so glad to be home. I have missed my wonderful hubby so much, and I have been…ummm….enjoying him thoroughly.
• My friend, Britta, in Germany has informed me that it is already my birthday there. I told her to have some vanilla bean ice cream in my honor.
• Instead of the traditional homemade cake, I opted for a special treat this year.  At a silent auction for the school I will be teaching at this fall, I fell in love with an amazing butter cream cake layered with fresh fruit. It was AMAZING! I tracked it down and ordered it for our family celebration tonight. IT WAS INCREDIBLE! So incredible in fact that my hubby suggested doing the same for his birthday next year, only he wants a chocolate one. Can do.
• It does not feel strange turning 26 because I feel like I am catching up to who I really am. I have always acted and looked older than I actually am, so now I feel like I am closer to the real Hannah. It is still quite humorous when people do the math and realize that there is no biological way I could be Gabe’s mother. I love the look on their faces, and so does he.
• I was so blessed to receive 4 amazing CD’s from my beautiful sister, Rachel; the newest albums from Newsboys (with Michael Tait! YAY!), Anberlin, Leeland, and Tenth Avenue North. I am listening to them right now, and loving every minute of it.
• Poor Zoe. There is a summer thunderstorm on its way, and she is not liking it one bit. Poor puppy!
• The one birthday gift I really want is for Jeremiah to have a good day. A really good, no playing games, no manipulation, day, no crazy anger, day.
• MMMmmm. Vanilla bean ice cream.

Blessings!

Hannah

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So sweet to be home.

Long trip. Long long long long trip.

I missed my sweetie somethin’ awful.

I didn’t realize how much he missed me until I got home.

HE MISSED ME!!!

HE MISSED ME!!!

And to prove it he kissed me!

It’s very good to be home.

Very very very good.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Yesterday/Today

Yesterday he gave up.

Today he tried. Really REALLY hard.

Yesterday I gave up.

Today I had hope.

Yesterday they disrespected and defied.

Today they listened and followed instructions.

Yesterday I cried and cried and cried.

Today I laughed….not a whole lot, but I did.

Yesterday I mourned over my empty womb.

Today I rejoice with two sisters in Christ who have brought two beautiful daughters into this world.

Today I choose Today!

Blessings!

Hannah

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In Words

Not sure really how to explain this. It may sound arrogant, or horrible. Not sure.

I’ve been realizing the past couple of weeks that I’m not perfect.

No. Really.

I know you all know I’m not. And I’ve known it too. It’s just that sometimes I feel like this life is all a movie playing out in front of me, and that if I just follow the script, or push the right buttons things will just turn out right. Play out the way that they are supposed too.

I suppose my belief in God, my faith, has added to this strange concept for me. My husband has said of me recently that I am oddly covered with an amazing grace for others. I don’t get offended too easily, because….well…actually I don’t understand it. People who are close to me have said and done some pretty horrible things to me, but I am usually, oddly unphased. Usually. I should be mad. Crazy hurt, mad. But I’m not.

I’ve been working on this post for 3 days now. I am still not quite understanding what my heart wants to get out.

I explained to Hubby that it’s like every part of who I am is being challenged, and I feel like I’m losing each and every challenge.

In my heart, it feels like this:

Wife- Failing. Don’t know why I feel this way except that my hubby is incredibly stressed out and I am helpless to help him.

Mother- Failing. I’ve been losing my temper much more often than I prefer. I read how things are supposed to be done, and know quite clearly that I don’t measure up.

Woman- Nope. Still can’t make those babies. I realized today that I haven’t had a cycle in two months now. Great. Yup. Can’t even do that. (Sounds silly, doesn’t it. Oh well. That’s how hearts work sometimes.)

Sister- Failing. I don’t know my role in my sister’s life lately. It’s so complicated.

Daughter- Besides being WAY to far away, and seemingly helpless with all the drama and trauma that’s been occuring recently, this is the one area I at least understand how to be.

Worshipper- Yup, been failing at that too. My faith and reliance in God is probably the strongest that it’s ever been, simply out of necessity. But my discipline SUCKS! I keep WANTING to do more, pray more, read more. I want to study and memorize and soak. I can’t seem to get out of the Psalms, and the same ones over and over. Not that that’s bad, but I want MORE. Even in my ambition to train up the boys,  I’m failing. I can’t rely on my memory forever. Especially  not lately. I’m so tired, and worshipping my Lord, which should be the most essential, energizing thing, seems to be the thing requiring the greatest energy and strength. Can’t do it. Not well at least.

So now I will be teaching in the fall. Kindergarten and preschool to be precise. And I’m terrified. This is a gift that God has clearly given me since I was a little girl, and now I’m terrified that this part of my identity too will be challenged, and that I will fail. Miserably.

Then what will I have left?

See, there’s where the whining comes in.

Good days. Bad days. I understand that they will comes as they will.

I just need to push through this wall somehow.

Somehow.

Blessings!

Hannah

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I made it into print!

Any of my friends out there struggling with infertility should sign up for this encouraging little newsletter from Bethany Christian Services.

I made it into this month’s issue because of this post. The author of “When the Cradle is Empty” saw my post and contacted me about quoting my post in the newsletter. Very cool. Hundreds of families around the globe read the bi-monthly publication, so that is a really neat opportunity to hopefully touch many more readers.

Anywho, God is good. He is walking along with me on this journey, and we are taking it one step at a time.

Let’s see what happens today!

Blessings!

Hannah

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Mother’s Day Part 1

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. It’s an interesting day for me because of children I parent and the hurt they come from. It gets even more interesting when you add my journey with infertility into the mix.

One comment from an excellent post on RAD and Mother’s Day says it best, “The best thing about Mother’s Day for a RAD blogger mom is that it’s worth at least a week’s worth of posts.” Thanks, Kerrie. I guess I will be typing a lot this week.

Anywho, yesterday Miah shared a deep piece of pain from his heart and how much he misses his birth mom. It was so hard for him to share, and I was so proud of him. I told him that one thing our counselor suggested was that he could write letters to his birth mom and keep them in a special place so that he can give them to her if/when he finds her some day. He liked that idea. He felt good that he knew that I was not hurt by the fact that he misses her.

Today, I paid for that conversation.

He had let me in close, and today he felt terrified that he had allowed himself to open up to me like that.

Not. A. Fun. Morning.

He raged passively (yes, you can do that) and aggressively for a long time. It got even worse when I told him that my heart was telling me that maybe he was mad that he let me in close and told me about how he misses his birth mom. “How did you know that?” he yelled. “Who told you that?” I’d hit the nail on the head. Whoops.

More raging.

Finally crying.

Finally rocking.

Finally crying, and sobs, and memories, and reassurances.

“I know.”

“You’re right! It’s not fair. I wasn’t your choice.”

“I know. You miss her so much.”

One part that made me laugh…sort of…was when he was describing her and said that she wasn’t skinny, but big, like me. Thanks, Babe. Glad to know that brings you comfort.

It’s a very different journey, parenting these two boys of mine. Gabe has 15 years of memories with two other Mommies before me. Jeremiah has 6 years with who knows how many Mommies….at least 8. Gabe was not old enough to remember his birth mom. Jeremiah was. He was 6 when he had his last visit with her. He remembers just enough to make what he doesn’t remember that much more painful.

My husband has said of me lately that I am uniquely covered with God’s grace. It’s what my name means. I don’t quite understand it. In my mind I feel like I should be hurt by the fact that my boys, especially my baby, miss their mommies. But I’m not. I am a little jealous of the moments I missed out on, but when Miah talks about missing his mommy, or Gabe talks about wanting to find his mom someday, I understand. I’m thankful to God for that covering of grace, because feeling that jealousy or hurt would make this job that much harder.

Tomorrow will bring what it brings. I am teaching Children’s Church, so that will be fun.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Bigger things

Sorry for my absence this week. My FIL’s house burned down on Saturday, so we have been consumed with sorting, hauling, and more sorting and hauling. I’m hoping to share my thoughts on everything soon.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Stream of consciousness

My heart is feeling flustered. Not sure what is going on. Worry. Fear. Not feeling good enough Mom-wise.

Things are so hard, and I am having such a hard time not destroying myself with every bit of guilt when I don’t measure up to perfect. I’m so  worried that someone is going to find me out. That some agency is going to show up on my doorstep and say that I don’t cut it and take my boys away.

Got Gabe’s DOC approved today. YAY! One step closer.

Nothing on Jeremiah yet.

That’s so frustrating. What’s going to happen? If Gabe’s day comes first, how will Miah handle that? More torture. More tantrums. Ick.

Icky Ick.

Still praying.

I need some heart peace.

A few hours later…

Had a good talk with Jeremiah. He used my shoulder to cry on. He was feeling hurt, and he chose to come to me. That felt good. It felt right. Holding him on my lap always feels right.

Don’t know what to do with Gabe. I can’t hold him on my lap, or rather I would feel uncomfortable doing so. Sometimes the realization that he is not quite 9 years younger than me washes over me. It has no effect on my authority, it’s just easier for me to be the affectionate mommy with Miah, my little boy. Gabe feels it, the disconnection, I know he does. He’s fightin’ the connection, and I have no idea how to encourage it.

I can’t believe he’s going to be 17 this week.

I was almost exactly his age…when I got married. Freaky.

I have a hard time reconciling that reality with the reality that is my 12 year old son in a 17 year old body. Does. Not. Compute.

I love Gabe. I am dedicated to him. I just don’t know how to connect with him. I don’t know how to love on him.

ideas?

Blessings!

Hannah

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