My 2011…

Resolution

Realization:

I don’t want to change my body!

With all the new year’s ads telling me I need 6-pack abs, and sculpted thighs and biceps, and big boobs… okay, got those…

I LIKE MY BODY!

Really! I realized that today. I like my body.

I mean, yes, there are things I would like to change, but for the most part, I really like me.

Here are the few things I would change:

• My arms. I would like to get them more toned. I am very strong, but I struggle with the typical woman-wings. When I looked at my friend’s wedding pictures from this summer, there were only two things that made me cringe. #1 No one told me how see-thru-ish my dress was. (Thanks, Hubby!) #2 My arms looked HUGE!
• The first thing I notice if I am swollen is my double chin. I’m about ready  to get one of those as-seen-on-TV neck exerciser thingers.

THAT’S IT!

And now the things I love about my body:

1. My butt! I love my butt! I have an ars and am grateful for it. Hubby loves it, Juji loves to perch on it, and I can sit on hard benches much longer than my boney-butted counterparts. The only disadvantage to having a butt has to do with the next thing I love about my body.
2. My small waist! I am a true hourglass figure. I love how curvy I am. The disadvantage to this is that when combined with feature #1, it makes it nearly impossible to find pants that fit properly. SOME women’s clothing companies are finally getting wise and making pants for different body types, but they are EXPENSIVE! So, I wear skirts and dresses A. LOT.
3. My hair. I have very thick, healthy hair. Although it occasionally frizzes, because of its natural waviness, it behaves itself most of the time. It grows like CRAZY, so I get to try different things with the cut often. I have no idea what to do with it most of the time, so it usually ends up in a pony tail when it is long, or a headband when it is short. I love it when my little sister, Amelia, is around, because she braids it for me. I can’t braid my hair myself.
4. My eyelashes. I’ve got lots of ‘em.
5. My smile. I’ve got good teeth, my nose dimples, and it makes other people smile.
6. My height. I am 6’1″ barefoot, and I can reach stuff!

There’s actually more, but those are the most significant. So although it would be nice to be able to find clothes more easily, and I wouldn’t mind if my tummy were a little flatter, or my legs a little thinner, I really like the sexy woman I’ve become. I really have no interest in becoming my anorexic teenage self again. I feel like a real woman, and I like it that way. SO THERE!

(And I will read this post to myself often.)

I hope you can find YOUR beauty today, and throughout the year.

Blessings!

Hannah

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My Thoughts on 2010

We survived.

Well…some of us.

Blessings!

Hannah

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What I didn’t expect

When my daddy died, I expected to feel a lot things.

Sadness.

Gratefulness.

Pain.

Emptyness.

But what I didn’t expect was anxiety and fear.

I’ve been wrecked with it lately, and I have no idea where it’s coming from or what it’s about.

Fear that I am bad mom. Fear that my husband doesn’t truly care about me. Fear that I am bad teacher. Fear that my boss hates me. Anxiety over every little decision.

I want to sleep it all away, but I haven’t been able to sleep much at all.

My husband made the mistake, as I was tossing and turning in bed last night, to ask me what was bothering me. He didn’t just ask, he asked multiple times and didn’t take my “I’m not sure.” as an answer. He insisted I tell him.

So I did.

And it all flooded out.

And we ended up in a bit of a fight, because he has a hard time with irrationality.

Especially since I am not usually irrational.

In fact, it normally takes a lot to make me upset.

So I guess my normally chipper nature is working at a disadvantage right now, because my family is not used to anything else but happy, or mildly serious from me.  I suppose an occasional crying fit ensues, but there is usually a very logical explanation, such as a marathon of tantrums or random hormones.

And then today, I did NOT want to go back to work. I love teaching. I love the kids I teach. But the responsibility of doing it RIGHT is so heavy right now.

And then Jeremiah’s teacher gave work for him (which means us) to get done while we were gone, which totally didn’t happen, and it’s mostly my fault because I didn’t have the energy to battle him on it. And now she wants the notebook she sent back, which doesn’t have anything recorded in it. And she gave me more work for him to do. And I am dreading it.

How can I make them understand how hard it is?  How can I make them understand how little I care about if he gets his science vocabulary copied, as long as we don’t end up in total meltdown mode?

My head is in a whirlwind.

And the man I could always trust to read this post and give me exactly the encouragement I need….is gone.

Crap.

And I know all the verses about fear. And I know that I am dead to my old self and a new man in Christ, but the peace is not there.

Holding on.

Hannah

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Instead

My daddy is gone.

Gone to be with his Savior. With his King.

Right where he always wanted to be.

But he was only 55.

Last night I was shattered, and all I could think about were the “He will never…” and the “I will never…” agains.

They flooded me.

But not today.

Today I am flooded with memories of my wonderful daddy,

Instead.

“Once upon a time there was a boy named Tommy, a horse named Brownie, a dog named Spotty, and a whole bunch of kitty cats, the favorite of which was Snowball…”

My cousin M’s (or is it E’s) imitation of Daddy in a petstore, “This is an alligator. It’s scientific name is (fill in here). Do you know who made alligators? God made alligators! Do you know Him?”

Pancakes…with protein, with a side of the most delicious, cheesy scrambled egg.

The smell of his cotton undershirts and shaving cream.

His amazing hugs and his rough face.

His laugh.

Oh, yes. His laugh.

I got that laugh.

And now I have camp songs running through my head.

I love you, Daddy.

Blessings!

Hannah

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I won’t! And you can’t make me!

I’ve stopped requiring Jeremiah to shower.

We have been doing some radical changes around here lately.

I’ve stopped yelling…or rather I have stopped accepting that yelling is necessary and am working very hard to not use that type of communication.

I’ve also been picking my battles.

Jeremiah has been on major regression mode lately that has required a lot of fast thinking…and slow maticulous thinking. We were doing so many battles over basic living things that we have had to go as basic as possible.

This is now his daily schedule after school:

• He eats a simple snack (fruit, veggies, or toast, or nothing when he feels like it’s not worth it since he doesn’t get to have whatever he wants.)
• He does his homework at the dining room table, or spends 2.5 hours NOT doing his homework, which is apparently very exciting. No yelling or coercing from me or Dad. Sometimes a simple reminder.
• Dinner
• Writing sentences to fulfill a consequence that he earned 3 weeks ago that he is trying to wait us out on. It’s not working so well for him. I reminded him today that Thanks Giving is only 4 weeks away, and Christmas is only 4 weeks after that.
• Getting ready for bed. I always give him enough time to shower, but for 4 days in a row now he has chosen not to, and then gone away very sadly when I give him hugs and kisses and let him know that I will not fight with him on this, and that I love him weather he is stinky or not, but that I hope that he will chose to take care of his body.

Bed. Or tonight, turning his clothes hangers into weapons of war…pretend war that is.

Yup. That’s it. A pretty simple existence. Mom is now doing his chores, and the bathroom is BEAUTIFUL!

I have to remember to warn his teacher about the hygiene issues.

Thoughts? Tips?

Blessings!

Hannah

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I might

I might cry a little tonight.

I might dream,

and hope,

and wonder,

and blink because my husband just shined his new high-powered flashlight in my eyes.

I might cuddle Juji a little bit, and kiss her sweet beak.

I might hold my blankey extra tight, and run the corner through my fingers a little longer.

I might need an extra hug or two from my husband,

who is understanding more and more,

and asks me now, since we’ve had a lot of practice recently, if I’m okay and WHEN I am going to break down.

And cry.

And he’s even giving me hope. HOPE.

That maybe he’s anticipating this too.

This dream maybe is no longer just mine.

Hope.

No, really, HOPE!

Blessings!

Hannah

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And how it goes

I’m pretty good at this wifey stuff.

Sometimes I’m good at the mama stuff too.

But the wifey stuff, I think I’m getting better at.

Better, as in, has taken 9 years, but I think I am being a pretty decent helpmate and friend to my beloved.

I suppose you can ask him on that.

I like taking care of the home, most of the time.

I like making it look nice, and I like how I feel when my beloved feels comfortable and says that the house looks nice.

I like cooking good food.

I’ve been trying new recipes lately, and I love the feedback I get.

Jeremiah thinks I should be a chef. Yeah. Not so much. But I’m glad he likes my cooking.

I’m not used to working again yet.

I’m so exhausted still.

And Saturdays and Sundays fly by so quickly.

And sleep is so precious.

And I STILL want a baby.

Amazing!

CRAZY!

But we have to let Jeremiah get past this hump first.

Right, Lord?

I have to keep reminding myself that if worse comes to worse, I will only be 32 when Jeremiah graduates high school.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Apparently…

I’m allergic to A LOT!

I got my allergy test results and I am allergic to pretty much everything I suspected, and somethings I didn’t. This was just FOOD allergy testing. I have to still go get the prick tests for the airborne, but I have to wait a while for that because I just plain don’t have time right now.

Anywho, when I got tested, the results came back with a scale of 0-5. 0 meaning no reaction or antibodies in the blood, 5 meaning a life threatening reaction. On everything they tested for I am either a 2 or a 3. A 3 for milk, wheat, and eggs. Ouch. I am also confirmed allergic to brewer’s yeast (not a problem), peanuts (just a 2), apples, and strawberries.

After talking through more of my medical history with the allergist, it sounds like the chronic fatigue and weakened immune system I have been experiencing since high school may have definitely been food allergy related.

So….I have some work to do to see what I am truly allergic to and what is just cross reacting with what I am allergic to. I have been instructed on how to do a “food challenge” for each food I’ve tested positive for. Especially the more highly reactive ones. Basically,  you go for 4 days without that particular food, even trace elements, then on the fifth day you overload your system within the first two hours and see if you have a reaction. Obviously, you could have a very bad reaction, so they suggest you do the fasting days on Tuesday-Friday, and then do Saturday as your overload day. So, it will take a few weeks to see what I am truly reacting to.

My favorite foods are…well, ice cream, so that would be a major bummer if I was allergic to that. Oh, and did I mention that I am allergic to soy? Yeah, I’ve known that one since high school, so I can’t really do those wonderful alternatives.

Anywho, anyone who has experience with food allergies that would be willing to offer advice/tips would be my hero.

For now, we experiment and pray.

I’m really hoping that getting this figured out will help with many of my health issues…maybe even the baby-less-ness.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Twas’ the night before school starts

And all through the Stubborn house….

Well, I’m not that good at rhyming poems, that’s as far as that format will go. Ian, can you help me out here?

My classroom is organized. My lesson plans done. My car full of more stuff that friends have donated. Things are good.

Jeremiah is eating an ice cream cone THAT HE ASKED FOR! His jello is made and in the fridge. His out fit has been planned for days. His back pack is ready to go. Things are good.

Gabe just got home from football practice, which he is loving. He’s getting the trash ready to go out in the morning. He’s tested us a lot this week, and we’ve come through.  He’s going to be a junior, and is excited about it. Things are good.

Hubby is working on the big programming project he’s been working on for months. A good opportunity, but it’s hard. But he likes challenges. Things are good.

We’re figuring this out as we go along. Day by day things change. The consistency of school is good, and the boys crave it.

Now, we’ve just got to figure some of the new stuff out.

Like how to get kids to doctor’s appointments, and how to plan meals and keep up with laundry with Mom working again, and how to get used to homework again.

But we will.

And God will be with us on these new adventures he’s set out for us, because He is. So here we go.

ADVENTURE!

Blessings!

Hannah

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I’ve given in

to the modern era.

I now have a cell phone.

A dro*d to be specific.

My geeky-wonderful hubby found a deal where the phone was free with the plan.

I’ve needed one for a while. Need in the American sense where my husband was getting frustrated not being able to get a hold of me if I was in town, or in case of an emergency.

You see, we live out in the boonies. Even for the U.P., okay not really for the U.P., but still, we are out there. It wasn’t until very recently that you could even get cell phone coverage out here, so what was the point? But now I will be teaching and in town a lot, and Hubby is often on the road, so this will be a good thing.

We’ve got a family plan, so now my FIL, SIL, Rachel, and Hubby will all have phones. It will be useful for Rachel because she is heading overseas soon on a mission trip, and there are all kinds of do-dads and gadgets that would be helpful, like translators and such.

Anywho, I am in the 21st century now. AND I can play bejewled ANYWHERE!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA

Blessings!

Hannah

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