So, just in case you didn’t know, or are calendar challenged, like I am, the holiday of Thanks Giving is next Thursday.
NEXT. WEEK.
So that means that procrastinators, such as myself, need to get their butts in gear and start preparing their hearts, minds, and blogs for some major thankfullness.
I’ve been inspired by bloggers, whose organizational skills I covet, and their beautiful posts expressing an area of thankfullness (why is that not a word?) for each day leading up to the 24th. Posts like this remind me how truly blessed, spoiled really, I am.
So, I have some catching up to do.
I am thankful for:
My relationship with my Heavenly Father. This might sound cliche, but this year especially I am so thankful for knowing my creator in a personal way and, more importantly, that He knows me. That He knows my needs in ways that only He can; that not even I know. That is good.
My husband. He is my best friend. He is so much more than that. He has truly become part of who I am, but that is what becoming one is supposed to be, right? More on him next week.
My sister, Rachel. She is my other best friend. I am so thankful for her support and her joy.
My sons. They are a learning experience that I never knew I needed. They’ve stretched me. They’ve brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. They made me a mom.
My critters. I am so glad that God made animals. I love my fuzzy friends. They were my first children, and I even got to name them. Hehehe. (Infertile women, unite!)
Baby E. She is my sunshine. I am thankful for every day with her. Enough said.
My family near and far. God gave me you for times like this. I love you. One of you needs to invent a teleporter, like, NOW!
My church family. I can’t even describe how much I love you. I recognize that very few are blessed with a community of believers like the one my beloved and I belong to.
My community of trauma mamas and papas. I can not imagine going through this journey of parenthood without your support, wisdom, friendship, and dark humor.
My home. It’s quirky, but I love it. My favorite part is our living room. It’s big enough to romp around in (think what you will), and has a beautiful sandstone wall and a fireplace. Oh, how I love our fireplace! If we are ever out of this trauma cycle and actually get to remodel, I want to put a stone hearth (is that what it is?) around it so that I can use it for cooking. Wouldn’t that be cool? I think so.
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I love this place. It’s something you just have to experience to understand. The lakes, the trees, the snow (yes, I love the snow!), the stars, the people, there’s just nothing like it.
Food. I am so thankful that we have access to so many choices and flavors and that I can create with, and enjoy, and nourish my family. Food is good.
Electricity. I often long for the simpler things, and I know I could do without this modern convenience, but I am definitely thankful for it. It allows me to listen to beautiful music and uplifting messages. It allows me to watch shows and movies that make me laugh and cry. It allows me to share life with friends and family far away. It allows me to share my mind and heart with you. It’s a good thing.
My health. This is an area I’ve struggled through my whole life, and it still is a struggle, but when I put things into perspective, my health issues are mainly annoyances. My body is strong and can fight things off in a reasonable amount of time. I have access to medicines and supplements and all kinds of nutrients, as well as the ability to research them. Plus, I know who my healer is, and that is good.
Okay, that’s 14. Now, hopefully I will be able to remember to continue to post for the next 10 days.
I think that my journey with infertility gives me unique perspective on certain issues in our world.
Not just my infertility, but my intense passion for children and their well-being.
I. Love. Kids.
So things like this make me really happy.
I could watch programs about child development for hours. I never tire of the miracle of how we are created and are continually shaped into these amazingly unique beings.
On side note, if you are a parent, or someone who loves a child, and you haven’t read Nancy Tillman’s “On the Night You were Born,” you need to. Amazing. Plus, it’s featured, along with other Tillman titles, at Kohl’s this month in support of their Kohl’s Cares for Kids campaign, so it’s a good time to get it.
On the flip side, just like the things that highlight the beauty and wonder of children make me full of joy, anything that disregards or causes harm to children makes me so angry that…well, I just don’t have words.
I don’t have words for things like this:
No words, except: This. Must. Stop.
I have to be so careful to guard my heart in this area, because the subject of abortion, or even unwanted children is such a breeding ground for hatred and bitterness in my heart, even bitterness against my Heavenly Father. All the “why’s” creep up, and it’s hard to stop them once they start. So I am careful. And I pray.
And I wait on what God has to say to my heart. And I stop trying to understand, ‘cuz I won’t this side of heaven.
And then I go back to rejoicing in God’s creation, and how every life is precious. I watch things like this (one of my favorites EVER!) to gain some perspective:
I. Love. Life.
And it doesn’t stop here.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Kohl’s did not compensate me in any way for my mention of them. All opinions are my own.
p.p.s. Baby E was cracking my up today with her singing and jabbering. She is such a delight.
First, I was going to write this amazingly detailed post about how I long for the simpler things, and simpler times, and how much joy I get out of the hard, day-to-day, mama work; but then that amazingly detailed post turned into an amazingly LONG post. Hehehe. So, I scrapped that.
THEN I was going to post about how excited I am that today is Halloween; not because I like Halloween, because I really, really don’t, but because it means that tomorrow we get to start getting ready for two AWESOME holidays, namely Thanks Giving and Christmas, but since I already kind of wrote about my Halloween feelings here, and I will definitely be writing plenty about Thanks Giving and Christmas, I decided that I didn’t have much to actually say about that subject right now.
And then I was going to write about how annoying it is that people, especially young people, in today’s culture don’t know the basic rules of grammar, and tend to write in discombobulated thoughts that turn into really long run-on sentences, but who wants to read about that?
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. Praise Jesus!
I can’t remember if I’ve posted about this before, but I know I haven’t in a long time, and it is still bugging me, so if you don’t want to hear it, DEAL!
Hehehe
I’m really angry with food and my immune system right now.
You see, I’m allergic to a lot of stuff. A lot of healthy stuff. Which makes it really difficult to eat in a nutritionally rich way. So far, the list of things I’m officially allergic to is as follows:
Almost all fresh fruit, except pears, blueberries, and citrus.
Carrots
Milk
Soy
You see what I mean?
And those are just the foods that are confirmed allergens.When i got tested, I also tested high (3 on a scale of 0-5) for eggs and wheat. I did an elimination diet for wheat, but I should probably do it again.
So I feel SO MUCH better since I’ve cut out my allergens, but I tend to get into food ruts. I can only eat so many salads, and fresh blueberries are EXPENSIVE!
I always have veggies at dinner, but incorporating them throughout my day is difficult. I love all these green smoothie ideas that I keep reading about, but they require fruit!
Anywho, I need ideas, people! IDEAS! I’m in a total carb rut right now, and I know it’s not a good thing. We are finally coming out of a major stress season, or at least dropping to a lower level of stress, so I finally CARE about how I feel again. I actually want to take care of my body! IMAGINE THAT!
So all you crunchy, healthful-eating friends of mine, I need you! Point me to resources, send me recipes and ideas, or whatever you can think of! Help me de-rut!
This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!
Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.
One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.
Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!
All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.
Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.
So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.
Hey, I missed a day of blogging. Sorry about that.
I had to think for a few moments longer than I would like to admit about what I actually did yesterday.
Oh, yeah! I spent the day with two amazing ladies jabbering away as we worked on random projects.
Every month or so, a group of my amazing lady friends and I get together at the incredible Miss Angie’s (no, not the uber-cool Christian punk rocker from the 90′s) for a “craft day”. Normally this results in a lot more yakking getting done than crafts, but we enjoy it all the same. Yesterday nearly everyone bailed out, (wimps!) so it was just the three of us. Amazingly, we actually got some stuff done!
I brought a box of my dad’s paper keepsakes that I’ve been sorting through, as well as a file box where I am neatly cataloging items that might be significant to various family members. I even remembered a paper bag to put the discarded items in. I was very proud of myself! Miss Sherry brought her sewing machine, which she admirably fixed herself after the foot fell off, and worked on a pocket advent calendar. Miss Angie made us all hungry as she attempted (successfully?) to make her first pumpkin pie from scratch. Okay, the filling was from scratch.
Although I was glad to get some sorting done, the fellowship was, as always, the most valuable part. We talked about so many different subjects, and I got to know my friends so much better. These women, even the wimps that weren’t there, are such a blessing in my life. For years I prayed for female friends that I could truly get close to and share life with, and God has truly answered my prayer with these women. We support each other, pray for each other, and are blatantly honest with each other when necessary. We laugh a lot, cry a lot, and sometimes even laugh till we cry. Plus, we love each other’s kiddos, which is very important, because there are a lot of little ones in our church family right now.
Anywho, it was a very worthwhile way to spend the day. I left my pitifully ill hubby in the good hands of my FIL, and brought home pizza at the end of the day, so all was well. And the gals were amazed at how happy and content Baby E was while we worked. Her healing amazes me every day.
What relationships outside of your family are you most thankful for? What do you do, or pretend to do, on the days that you need to get away with those who lift you up?
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. To all the wimps, I LOVE YOU! I was just speaking out of pure disappointment that I didn’t get to be in your wonderful presence.
Today is the day we who are still stuck here in this mortal coil will remember the day you were born. You would have been 56 today. Let me double check that on FB. Yup. I think I’m right. Reading the posts on your FB page shows so much about who you were, although I’m not sure if some of the commenters realize that you’ve gone home. Sometimes I don’t realize you’ve gone home.
Your wife and some of your kiddos went to your birthplace today. I wish we could have joined them. Things are so tough right now. Do you know that? are you interceding for us? How does that work? I wonder if you are weeping for us right now. But there’s no sadness in His presence, right? Well, I know you would have wept with us if you were here. Wept for your grandson who seems so far beyond our reach right now. Oh, Daddy, this is not what you would have wanted for us. Although, I’m trying desperately to hold onto God’s promises, it’s so hard to not feel beyond His reach sometimes. You had so many big dreams for me, and I’m terrified that all that is crashing down forever. I wonder if that’s why you were taken early, to save you from this heartache.
There is some joy though, Daddy. Baby E is such a ray of sunshine in this darkness. I told her a Tommy story as I rocked her to sleep last night. It was about you. I hope I can tell them to her for the rest of her life, or as long as she’ll let me, or as long as the Lord lets me. I want to be her mommy, Dad. I am wondering so often lately what God is doing, and He keeps challenging me more and more to lay everything, EVERYTHING on the altar. As I laid this precious baby girl in her cradle the other night I felt like Abraham laying Isaac on the altar, sacrificing her to you. My hands are as open as I know how, but this is the deepest heart struggle I’ve ever had.
Will you be proud of me? Oh, I hope so.
You would love her so much, Daddy. She has bright blue eyes, and the longest eye lashes you’ve ever seen on a baby. She smiles and the whole world stops to smile back. She loves your son-in-law. She has melted his heart and the Lord is using her to melt his fears, although fear is something there is so much of right now. She carries a supernatural joy about her. Seriously, this girl already has such a connection to the Spirit. I know that all cute babies attract attention, but we’ve never witnessed a child who draws people to her like Baby E does. I believe she is what you would have wanted for me; for our family. So we wait to see what God has planned, and try to trust. I am trying to trust.
Oh, I just thought of something! I should make pumpkin pie in your honor!
I still expect you to call me. I expected you to call me a remind me that it was getting close to your birthday. Funny. I actually remembered this year. I remember you telling me how your heart ached every year on your parents’ birthdays, and the anniversaries of their home-goings. I am starting to understand. This will be a long journey, won’t it? I feel so young right now, and your left so soon. I mean, obviously God knew what He was doing taking you home when He did, but I feel like I still had so much to learn from you. I needed to learn more about who I am, and you knew me so well. I know that this pushes me to learn that from my Heavenly Father, but I heard his voice so clearly when you spoke with His wisdom. My heart burns knowing that this journey is going to be so hard. Perseverance. Character. Hope. HARD!
I’m learning to hold onto Jesus, Dad. He won’t give up, right? He didn’t give up on you, and now you are seeing His face. Oh, how I want to see His face.
Anywho, Dad, I love you. I hope to see you soon. I’m looking to the East so much more often now.
