Posted by Hannah Rae on Aug 26, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house You don’t make sense to me.
You say all the right things when they are easy to say,
and lose it when it really counts.
You can go and go and go, never missing a beat
and then suddenly explode.
I never see it coming.
You don’t make sense to me.
In the moment you can’t stop yourself.
When you speak in love one moment,
you touch in anger the next.
You are a total contradiction, and I can’t grasp your intentions.
You want to love, and you do.
You don’t want to hate, but you do.
And your hands wring with anger, and your jaw clenches with rage.
And everything you read leaves your mind when you need it most.
And you pray. And you pray. And you pray.
But you still are who you are.
Angry.
Me, you don’t make sense to me.
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Aug 22, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Today
was a day
to CELEBRATE!
We celebrated with family.
With OUR family.
With THE family.
We celebrated with E and J. Two faithful finally finding each other.
YAY!
God is FAITHFUL!
They. The whole church family. CELEBRATED US!
Prayed over us.
Spoke words over us.
Sang joy over us.
Committed to us.
Spoke encouragement and guidance and wisdom.
Words straight from the Father.
Words straight to our hearts.
We prayed over Rachel. Saying goodbye for a little while. Sending her off to do her diligent work.
She was blessed.
We celebrated as a FAMILY.
As THE FAMILY!
And here’s the song that Melinda and Phil blessed us with (at my request).
Thank you, Mel and Phil.
Oh, and thank you, Psalty. 
Welcome to the family, we’re glad that you have come to share you life with us as we grow in love, and may we always be to you what God would have us be, a family always there, to be strong and to lean on.
May we learn to love each other more with each new day, may words of love be on our lips in everything we say. May the Spirit melt our hearts and teach us how to pray, that we might be a true family.
Oy. One of those lines just really struck me right now.
Let it be.
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Aug 7, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Happiness is
laughing about how it took you 45 minutes to drive 2.7 miles.
Happiness is
being glad your hubby is such a good driver (which means you don’t have to drive).
Happiness is
your 11 year old eating Indian food for the first time
Happiness is
Mango Lassi (Sooo much better than champagne)
Happiness is
seeing a dear friend, a brother, join together with the one he loves.
Happiness is
God being glorified regardless of….
Happiness is
Being picked to dance and loving every second.
Happiness is
Walking 7 blocks in downtown Chicago and seeing the wonder in your sons’ eyes.
Happiness is
Finding a Borders Books that is open while you wait an hour for pizza.
Happiness is
Pizza worth waiting an hour for.
Happiness is
Mini chocolate eclairs….all gone
Happiness is
Beating my sons and husband at Munchkin…again.
Happiness is
Being here. With my beloved. With my sons. Being here, as a family.
Happiness is
Being a family.
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Aug 1, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Really listen…
I’d tell you how hard it is to be 20-something and feel like time is slipping away for you to really live you most intimate dream.
I’d tell you how a love story can be real, and hard, and amazing, and beautiful, even when you get married at 17.
I’d tell you how sometimes it’s easier to build relationships with animals rather than people.
If you were willing to listen,
really listen,
I’d tell you that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome SUCKS.
I’d tell you to tell everyone that you know that alcohol and pregnancy DO. NOT. MIX.
I’d tell you how many kids are waiting for families, and they deserve to be loved.
I’d also tell you how hard it is to love them sometimes.
I’d tell you about a God who called a young woman and a young man at an early age.
A God who is so crazy about you, and wants you to do hard things, enables you to do hard things for HIM!
A God who heals and restores. Who tears down and then builds back up.
I’d tell you about my Jesus.
If you were willing to listen,
and I really trusted you,
I’d tell you things pouring out of my heart.
Things of passion, pain, joy, sex, hurt, healing, love, terror, hope, and fear of hoping.
If you were willing to listen,
even to my ramblings,
I’d tell you how Pepsi is SOOO much better than Coke.
How I was born in the wrong century.
How to bake my mom’s amazing oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
How to sneak spinach into brownies.
How to clicker train your dogs and/or other critters.
How much I adore African Grey parrots.
How obsessed I am with Hebrew.
How I like everything frozen.
I’m sure there’s more, because I like to talk.
But I also love to listen.
What would you tell me?
Thanks for the idea Sarah.
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 20, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house,
Uncategorized Yesterday he gave up.
Today he tried. Really REALLY hard.
Yesterday I gave up.
Today I had hope.
Yesterday they disrespected and defied.
Today they listened and followed instructions.
Yesterday I cried and cried and cried.
Today I laughed….not a whole lot, but I did.
Yesterday I mourned over my empty womb.
Today I rejoice with two sisters in Christ who have brought two beautiful daughters into this world.
Today I choose Today!
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 19, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Right now
I am not liking being Mom.
Right now
I am not liking my sons
Right now
I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.
Right now
I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.
Right now
I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.
Right now
I can’t do it anymore.
Right now
I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.
Right now
I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.
Right now
I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.
Right now
I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.
Right now
I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.
No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.
Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”
Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.
Blessings! (Of better days than this.)
Hannah
1 hour later
Right now
I am feeling calmer.
I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.
Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.
Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.
I just won wheel of fortune in my room.
I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.
4 Hours Later
Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.
I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.
I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.
Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.
Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.
But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.
Sneaky.
But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.
Survived.
And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.
I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.
Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.
| Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 17, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
- It’s been rough. I’m frustrated because I feel like all I’ve been able to write about lately is how rough it’s been. I’m having trouble remembering the amazing good things that really do go on because the trauma of the….traumatic things seem to wash them out of my brain. I apologize for that. You see, not wanting to come off as a whiner has made me fearful of writing anything…so I don’t. I don’t like that.
- In response to the above, as well as my husband’s prodding to develop and utilize my creative writing gifts, I am setting a personal goal for myself to write at least 2 short stories a week. I will try to share as many as those as I can. I recently came upon some old stories and poems that I penned in high school. I think it would be fun to share those as well.
- As a birthday present, my amazingly gifted geek (aka Hubby) is helping me fix some of these blog bugs that I am frustrated with. The biggest issues that I want to fix are:
- Being able to link series’ of posts together is currently very cumbersome. I want it to be easy to follow story lines and find answers to questions that fall under specific topics.
- I need a better way to display and organize my short stories in safe ways.
- I want the blog to look a lot more friendly and Hannah-ish.
- Suggestions?
- The boys and I still have a week left in Minnesota. It’s been an adventure….hence the “Without Daddy Adventures.” We had a bonfire tonight since it was the first night sense we’ve been here without massive westward winds. After some sausage mishaps, I finally had the light bulb moment to use the cast iron skillet my papa got at an estate auction last year. YAY! It worked wonderfully.
- I’ve really been enjoying Lauraine Snelling’s Red River series lately. I love historical fiction, especially that era. Plus that series, as well as many of her other books, are about people with Norwegian ancestry, of which I am. Something about the late 1800′s on the prairie fascinates me. I think I would have made a good pioneer woman. I’ve definitely got the hips for it. Although it would definitely be harder to be an infertile woman in that era, but I often wonder if that would have been an issue for me without all these environmental contributors that we have today. Wow! That could totally turn into another post.
- It’s Hubby’s and my marriage anniversary today. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. Yes! That one! The first one! The real one! We were so young, and “stupid” as my hubby said earlier today, but we’ve made it! And we are so glad that we’ve come this far. We’re stronger now than I ever imagined. He’s my love.
- Goodness sakes I miss his smell right now.
- Oh! Like I said, we had a bonfire tonight, but I totally didn’t take any pictures. I’ve been finding out lately I’m very bad at that part of mommy-ing because I am usually way to caught up in the moment to think of grabbing the camera until it’s over and I realize I would have really liked pictures. Oh well.
- Did I mention I love my husband? Like LOTS! And I miss him so crazy much it literrally aches, especially today. I am in desperate need of some lovin’. I’m used to like a bazillion hugs and kisses a day, and the most affection I’ve been getting lately is from my bird.
- God has really been pulling me into Him lately for all the reasons above. So many things wrecking me day and night. I just wish I could discipline myself to hide in Him more. Learning.
- Oh! Last but not least…I need comments! Like seriously! I know that more people than my dad and friends Amanda and Christine read my blog, so PLEASE let me know you are there. If you read a post and don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. At least say “Hey! I read your blog!” K? K.
TTFN
Tah tah for now!
Blessings!
Hannah
| Tags: behavior challenges, blogging, family fun, marriage, parenting, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 15, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Saturday night at about 10:00 PM, my dad, step-mom, lil’ sister, sons and I left for the Minneapolis air port. I knew that we were expecting to get to the air port at about 4:30 AM, so I had called our hotel to see if we could get an early check-in, like 6 AM. Nope. Not happenin’. The gal I spoke to told me she couldn’t guarantee me anything from another person’s shift, and that I would need to call the person on shift at the time, but that the earliest we would probably be able to check in would be 10 or 11. Ugh. Not good.
So…we get to the airport at 3:00 AM. A whole hour earlier than anticipated. I was wired the whole drive and couldn’t get any sleep, which is unusual for me. Anywho, after dropping the parentals and sister off, we easily found our way to our hotel. It was big…like tall. I’ve never stayed in a hotel that tall before.
Anywho, the guy at the front desk was lounging in a chair and came to the door to meet me. I explained to him our situation, how I had been up all night, and how we had booked a room but didn’t anticipate getting here this early etc…At first Peter (I always try to learn names) said that they were completely full, but then noticed that we had booked a suite, that we were Elite members (thank you to Hubby’s business trips) and that we were using points to pay for our suite. He told me there was nothing he could do because we were already into the next business day. I calmly and politely asked him to please check again. He found out that he actually had a suite available, but he would have to charge me the Saturday rate (which was a lot). I told him that it wasn’t really acceptable to pay that much just because I couldn’t use my points, especially since it was already 3:30.
Anywho, after calling the Elite line, and few more pleases and thank yous a yes sirs, Peter said that he could charge us for 1/2 night’s stay, which came out to $5 more than what we would pay with points…and we would keep our points. YAY! I thanked Peter immensely and told him what a huge help he was.
So at 3:30 AM, the boys and I had a place to sleep. And sleep we did. And as we said our good nights (in the early morning) I reminded the boys how we got the room. I didn’t yell, scream, and make a scene, I simply let the man know our needs and was polite, assertive, and more polite.
Every time they see this, I hope it sinks in a little more. I hope that I am not only showing Christ’s love to the strangers I encounter, but my sons as well.
Blessings! (To you especially, Peter)
Hannah
| Tags: Being set apart, family fun
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 12, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house So the boys and I are officially on our own in Northern MN for the next 10 days. We dropped the parentals and lil’ sis off at the Minneapolis airport early Sunday morning after driving through the night. Now we are back up north, enjoying the quit.
But….
The past the days have been full of all kinds of stories. Here are the highlights that I will do my best to expand upon.
- If you are kind and polite, even at 3:30 PM, people will do their best, even go out of their way to help you. This is a lesson I want my boys to see over and over and over again.
- The Mall of America is not nearly as intimidating as I remember.
- Blessing my boys with fun times with mama unconditionally was totally and completely AMAZING! BUT Jeremiah can not handle good things YET (I say with hope), and I definitely paid for it later.
- Beating my boys, especially Gabe, at cards is SO MUCH FUN!!!!
- Gabe will never be a taxi driver or professional navigator. But we got our pizza eventually.
- A friendly Israeli + Dead Sea salt scrub + 2 boys + ADHD = A mama nearly peeing her pants laughing. (“MOM! MY HANDS HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS SOFT!!!”)
- Even Jerome gets sick of pizza eventually.
Blessings!
Hannah
| Tags: behavior challenges, family fun, parenting, RAD
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 7, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house Well, let’s see.
2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..
We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.
It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!
Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.
Blessings!
Hannah
| Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, family fun, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure
