Who is this Hannah person again?

I’m finally starting to feel like the real me.

It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).

When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.

Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.

So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:

• I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
• I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
• I don’t mind doing dishes. This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well.
• I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
• I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.

So  this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.

Blessings!

Hannah

p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Baby E, behavior challenges, Being set apart, faith, marriage, RAD, the hard stuff

Two boys; Two bikes

One wore a helmet.

One left his helmet on the ground.

One was riding to earn trust.

One was riding because trust had been lost.

One came home early just to check in.

One will not be sleeping in his bed tonight.

One is striving for healing, as hard as it might be.

One is walking away from health, determined to stay in control.

Both are loved.

Both are prayed for…and prayed for…and prayed for.

Both are dreamed for.

Neither are forgotten.

Lord, thank you. Lord, have mercy.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Blessings Flow and Here We Go!

I have an amazing God that has blessed me with and through some amazing friends.

MINUTES after I posted about our plan to open our home to infants in need I had friends messaging me to let me know that they will help fill our baby-supply needs.  Seriously. Hubby and I are blown away by how the doors are swinging wide open.

Here’s what the Lord has blessed us with already through my amazing friends:

• Crib (YAY! Blew me away.)
• Cradle
• Baby bath
• Play mats
• Bumbo chair
• Bottles
• And “Everything you will need, and more”
• Moby wrap (updated)
• Boppy Pillow (updated)

My biggest wish-list item is was a moby wrap (but then as soon as I wrote this, someone GOT IT FOR ME!), because babies who have been exposed to substances tend to have sensory issues, and I am planning on wearing her as much as possible. Plus I HATE those heavy car-seat carriers.

Here is the link to my Target registry again.

In other news, our new licensing worker came today to do our “renewal” and everything was very quick and smooth. The funniest moment of the visit was when I was showing our worker the room where the baby will be, which is currently housing our baby chicks. She looked at me and said “You know that you won’t be able to have chickens in here once the baby comes.” I just smiled at her and confirmed that I did indeed understand that. She then smiled and said “I’ve never had to say THAT during a licensing visit before.”  I bet she hasn’t.

Now we are just waiting for our former agency to give our new agency copies of our homestudy, and we have to get our fingerprints done AGAIN. Thankfully, the hours available to do that are much more reasonable than when we first got licensed, so it shouldn’t be a problem. But still. Again?

Anywho, I am feeling so overwhelmed by God’s providence, and Hubby and I together are having total peace and joy over this, which is the coolest part.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Where? When? How?

There’s a song by Chris Tomlin that’s really popular right now called “I Will Follow” that has some really tough lyrics that I’ve been chewing on lately.

“Where You go, I’ll go
Where You stay, I’ll stay
When You move, I’ll move
I will follow…”

Another song by Kim Walker hits it hard along the same lines.

“Where you go I go
What you say I say
What you pray I pray

Jesus only did, What he saw you do
He would only say, What he heard you speak
He would only move, When he felt you lead
Following your heart, Following your spirit

How could I expect to walk without you
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I would not begin to live without you
For you alone are worthy you are always good.”

TOUGH STUFF!

I’ve been really struggling lately wanting to know what God wants from me, of me, to do with me. He’s given me many gifts, talents, and passions. Passions for learning, for teaching, and for serving that I have NO IDEA what to do with.

How, Lord, am I supposed to move if I have no idea where you want me to move?

I have a hearing issue I think. So many things clouding MY mind, MY heart, that I can’t hear Him. I have ADHD of the spirit right now.

Here, Lord? There, Lord? Oh, here again?

How do I get quiet? How do I STOP?

Lord, you’ve given me this crazy passion for pregnancy and birth and babies, and yet here I am with an empty womb. What do you want me to do with that passion? WHAT????

Teach? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Be a mama to a baby that needs a mama? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Become a doula to support mamas having babies? I could do that…if YOU wanted me to.

Shut up and just wait? I could do that too…if YOU wanted me to.

But I don’t want to do ANY of these things if it’s not what you want for me. I don’t want to be going left, when you want me to be going right. I don’t want to be going ANYWHERE if you want me to be standing still.

So here I am. Speak to me. I’m trying to listen. Thank you that you hear me and that you don’t get discouraged by my ADHD spirit. I love you. Amen. Amen.

Here’s to our adventures! (Raising a glass of chocolate milk.)

Blessings!

Hannah

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WHERE ARE HIS PANTS???!???

It’s been a day that is feeling like three.

Since my little hazel eyes opened this morning it has been a battle of wills with Jeremiah.

- He’s been sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to play playstation. I bought a new doorknob for the basement door that locks.

- He broke into the medicine cabinet and stole Gabe’s PSP. Not sure what to do about that one. The stinker jimmied it with a screwdriver. Darn you Walmart and your cheap filing cabinet locks!!!

- He hid his pants. So he went to church in his PJ’s.

- He hit his head against the wall. I held him in a basket hold until he was ready to cry and ask me for a hug.

- He is being loud and obnoxious and laughing hysterically. I am trying my best to ignore his behavior and keep his older brother from strangling him.

I am doing my best to think like some of the great moms I have met through their blogs. Moms like Christine and Lisa. Any help, moms?

Lord, please give me wisdom and patience. Thank you for the wonderful women who prayed over me today. Please be my strength.

Blessings!

Hannah

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My rant for the day

BOO! BOO, HISS!

GRRRR!

GRRRR to the company!!! Boo to a company that is supposed to care for children but is putting the $$$ first! Boo to a company that won’t let a little boy go home because they can’t afford to lose the money he brings in! Boo to a supervisor who won’t stand up for what she knows is right just because her bosses will have a hissie fit!

YAY for the employees who are doing everything they can to stand up for what my son needs! TO GO HOME!!!

YAY for a God who knows my little boy’s heart and will gaurd him from any harm.

***Update***

I just got a call from the group home consultant. The 21st is the day. It was a good compromise. I kept my cool. YAY spirit of peace.

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Riding in cars with Gabe

I like Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are Soup Group days.

We get together with our spiritual family, love on each other, and spend some time in the Word. We heap loads and loads of encouragement on each other and, when necessary, offer guidance and correction. Gabe is now part of this family, and I am so thankful.

Gabe’s been making really poor choices lately, and before Soup Group I had lost my temper with him. He plays dumb and chooses not to face the mistakes he’s made, and it drives me KOOKOO! Anywho, I lost my temper. I had to buy some carpet shampoo, so as I wandered the aisles of the store I prayed out loud to “God, that boy makes me so angry. I’m sorry for losing my temper. Please show me how to love him. Please show me how to guide him. He can’t keep doing this. He is going to crash and burn. What do we do, God?”

I got in the car, apologized for yelling, hugged him, and we went to Soup Group. We studied Romans 2 and 3. Lots of law and grace stuff. Very heavy. Lots of assurance. It was good. We prayed together. I prayed that Kaleb and I would have wisdom of how to parent Gabe the way He would want us to. I prayed that Gabe’s heart would be transformed.

I love Tuesday nights, because the night sky and the 45 minute drive home allows openness and opportunity for hard conversations. We left Soup Group. The Holy Spirit came along for the ride. I asked Gabe to tell me what he dreams his life will be like when he is 25.

• He wants to be a mechanic.
• He wants to live in an apartment or a house on a lake in Minneapolis.
• He wants a loving, determined, faithful, trusting wife.
• He wants to be a loving, respectful, faithful, loyal, determined, trustworthy husband.

It was the door I needed. The door God opened.

We talked about the traits he would need in order to see that dream come true. We talked about how if he wants his wife to be able to trust him, if he wants to be a trustworthy husband he needs to start practicing being trustworthy now because it’s not a switch you can just flip on someday. That seemed to hit him.  With each dream, we talked about the CHARACTER TRAITS he would need to start developing NOW in order to achieve those dreams.

Here were the biggies:

• Trustworthiness (i.e. telling the truth, doing what you say you are going to do, taking responsibility etc…)
• Diligence (completing tasks well, even when they are hard. Pushing through the tough things without giving up)
• Time management (staying on task, completing things in a timely manner)

He asked about how to chose the right girl. We talked about prayer, and faith, and trust of the other person. I felt a tug on my heart to be very real with him. I told him how his heart has a lot of scar tissue on it right now that needs to be healed before he will be ready for that kind of relationship. I felt God whisper “Tell him how. Tell him how much I want to heal him.” So I did.

I pray Psalm 27:7-14  over my boys. I prayed it over Grace too, and still do. I read it to him, multiple times. I wanted him to hear God’s heart for him. Here’s the Gabe version.

Hear Gabe’s voice when he calls, O LORD;
be merciful to him and answer him.

⁸ His heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, he will seek.( I claim this in faith)

⁹ Do not hide your face from him,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been his helper. (even when he didn’t know you were there.)
Do not reject him or forsake him,
O God my Savior.

¹⁰ Though your father and mother forsake him,
the LORD will receive him .

¹¹ Teach him your way, O LORD;
lead him in a straight path
because of his oppressors.(which include his own thoughts, and habits, and hurts)

¹² Do not turn him over to the desire of his foes, (including the evil one, the world, and those who want to hurt him)
for false witnesses (including his very own thoughts) rise up against him,
breathing out violence.

¹³ I am still confident of this:
Gabe will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD, Gabe;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

It’s in Gabe’s court now. God is there waiting. I will keep praying. I am so thankful for my 45 minute commute.

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Pictures of the weekend to come

Hey all!

We arrived safely home last night LATE. I dropped Jeremiah back at the group home this morning. Cant’ wait till I don’t have to do that anymore.

I will post pictures of our great weekend tonight.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Not Me Monday…again :)

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am so thankful that MckMama and Stellan are home safe and sound. It’s just icing on the cake that we get to have some fun with Not Me Monday again.

This weekend was full of activity. On Saturday we went to an estate auction where I thankfully did not almost bid on very expensive farm equipment by pointing at something up in the sky. That would have been very embarrassing, so I am glad that my hands were totally under control. When I saw the cutest little girl with her mom, I definitely kept my composure and didn’t play with her for a significant portion of the bidding. That would just be obsessive, so I’m glad I didn’t do that. She did not become my friend in a matter of seconds and did not ask me to come sit by her on the sidewalk, totally ignoring her mother in the process. I don’t have this effect on kids often. Nope, never.

I am totally capable of continually handling our eldest’s attitude issues without effect on my emotions. I have not become weary and found myself being overly harsh and impatient. Nope, not me. I know better than that. I am definitely not enjoying the fact that he is in deep trouble right now because that means that I can give him extra chores and be justified in doing so. That would just be cruel. I do not need an attitude check myself. I do not need to focus on how to teach and encourage instead of how to correct. Who would want to do that?

I volunteered to watch our friend’s little one yesterday. She was sick and very sleepy and cuddly. Thankfully, I am totally in control of my maternal instincts, so they did not kick into overdrive and my breasts definitely did not start to ache after 8 hours of caring for this very sweet, needy little one. That would just be weird.

We went to a friend’s graduation party yesterday and I totally did not hit up the hostess for leftover Mexican Lasagna so that I would have some for lunch today. That would just be rude.

Oh, there are so many things I did not do. It’s been a long week, but I think that covers the gist of it.

Oh, except that I am totally ok with my hubby having to go away on business for the next few weeks and I am not afraid at all that I am going to screw something major up.  That’s a biggie. I am so glad that I am more self-assured than that.

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Marathon parenting

All parenting is a marathon, right? Well the last few days has felt like a marathon and a half. Every night we are having what amounts to family counseling sessions with our eldest. Last night was the longest. It started when we ate dinner at 7 and didn’t get over till AFTER I went to bed at 10:30. Kaleb and I both tend to be lecturers, but we were thankful that Gabe actually participated in the discussion last night. We don’t know how much got through, but I guess we won’t until we see from fruit from the boy.

He has 15 days of school left and the administration has let him know that if he gets caught again, in any kind of serious activity, he could be immediatley expelled. In our area, school options are very limited, so that is not an option. NOT AN OPTION! He actually said last night that he didn’t know if he could stay out of trouble for the next 15 days. Kaleb was flabergasted by that statement (made after I went to bed) and told me to talk to the boy this morning on our way in to work (he is volunteering at the Salvation Army). I told him that that kind of statement gives himself a back door to get into trouble.

“See Mom and Dad, I TOLD you I couldn’t stay out of trouble for 15 days. See!”

I told him that he is not allowed to call himself that stupid. He is not allowed to tell himself that he has no self control. He DOES! We discussed how he has to make up his mind NOW what he is going to say so that when the situations arise he already has his answers prepared. This will hopefully help counter the whole “I just do it by instinct” crap.

I gave him an example about ice cream. I am ADDICTED to ice cream. Not just ice cream, but cold things in general. I freeze lots of stuff. Berries, grapes, chocolate milk, my pop, etc… I love frozen stuff. But, if my doctor told me that for the next 15 days I had to stay away from anything cold or I could make myself very sick, I would have to make the choice that I was going to listen to my doctor. It would hurt, and I would really REALLY miss my ice cream, but I could do it because I would know it was what was best for me. In fact, after the 15 days, I would probably not be craving ice cream so much and would have put healthier habits in place.

I think he zoned out through most of it, but he laughed at me, so that is a good sign.

We may be having a certain young lady, another part of the drama, over for pizza tonight so that Gabe can give her an explanation of why he is not supposed to be dating ANYONE right now.

Just found out that Jeremiah didn’t earn a home visit this weekend. SAD! I am really going to miss my little guy!

Lord, we pray for wisdom for all parties involved and that you would show us how to be the parents YOU want us to be. Thank you for being OUR Father.

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