Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 11, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
Which just happened to be the song playing on Pandora as I was preparing to write this post. 
The hubby person is in LA for a quick turn-around trip. He will be home tomorrow, so no worries, right? Well, every time Kaleb has left for even short periods since Gabe has been home there has been some major incident involving major honesty issues or really bad choices. I was a little concerned.
Before I left work last night I felt an unusual nudge. I truly felt something in my spirit telling me to go to Taco Bell and get dinner. Now, I don’t particularly like Taco Bell, and I definitely know that it’s not the most nutritious food choice, but I definitely heard Taco Bell in my spirit. (Major chuckling inserted here) Not only do I believe the Holy Spirit told me “Taco Bell,” but I also believe that He told me what to order. He brought to my mind that Gabe prefers soft shell Tacos AND doesn’t like sour cream AND I remembered Mtn Dew with no ice!
So I get home from work and Gabe is folding towels CORRECTLY and neatly stacking them. He says “Hi, Mommy!” Which usually means he’s in a good mood, so that was a good sign. Then he said the miracle words, “Can I talk to you about something in a minute?”
“Why not right now?” I said.
“I don’t want to be distracted.”
WOW! Holy cow, WOW!!!
“Sure.” I say, trying to hide my exuberance. “Oh, and by the way, I got you something.” I hold up the Taco Bell bag. He just smiles.
So after folding towels, Gabe joins me on the floor near the couch and we talk. I listened about his loneliness and how he is missing Dad (who had only been gone a few hours at this point) and how he is afraid that he is going to screw up and make bad choices while Dad is gone. I listened as he told me how he was tempted to reassemble his bike and ride around to find someone to hang out with, but how he knew that would not be a good choice and would destroy trust (whoo hooo!!!!!) and how he really wants to do better this time around and EARN his privileges back.
Oh my goodness gracious. That would have been enough to fill my cup, but there was more. I told him that I wanted him to know that this stuff I am going through, wanting a baby and all, didn’t mean that I wanted HIM any less. He is my son and I love him so much I could burst, it’s just something in me as a women that desperately wants a child from my womb. He said he understood that and that he REALLY WANTED a little brother or sister. (Tearing up as I write this) His only stipulation is that he be one of the first to know. [translation] I’m part of this family right? So you will tell me before anyone else, right? I matter? Yes, child of mine, you matter. We talked a little more about sharing big feelings and how it’s okay and it’s part of what a family does.
He nodded. Then he went to eat his Taco Bell and thanked me for remembering Soft shell with no sour cream and Mtn. Dew with no ice.I winked to the Holy Spirit and thanked Him for the info.
Then we watched So You Think You Can Dance.
What a great evening. What a great ordinary miracle.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, faith, foster care, parenting, RAD
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 4, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
Heart hurting
Not sure why I feel like crying and yelling at no one in particular.
Heart hurting
Not sure why these baby cravings have come back and brought their friends with them.
And no, I’m not pregnant, so don’t ask, because I am tired of explaining that this is not MY baby and YES, I want to have one but NO, God has not chosen to give me one yet and YES, I am trying to trust him but NO, that does not always make the feelings go away.
Brain hurting
‘Cuz the numbness of newness is gone and has been drastically replaced by reality of responsibility and bad attitudes, most of which are mine.
Brain hurting
Wondering if I can really do this or if I was just so convinced that I could. And you all saw that coming and are all saying “I told you so.” But yet, I think I can, or at least I want to think I can.
Brain hurting
Thoughts wandering to a bad conversation a year ago that I can not get out of my head or my heart. Not sure it will ever be the same.Wanting it to be so much better than the same.
Heart hurting
Wondering if the one I haven’t spoken to in two years has totally forgotten about me or is trying to forget about me or is just so different from the person I thought that I was deceived for 14 years. Wondering if we will ever speak again.
Brain hurting, Heart hurting
Worrying about husband-person leaving but knowing he has to go. Knowing I am capable, yet worrying about screwing things up, again. Scared. So scared of forgetting something important, critical, causing our demise.
Trying.
Trying to let myself be healed and loved and sung-over. Not knowing how. Feeling like the hours are slipping away without anything being accomplished and knowing there is a resounding AMEN from most moms. Trying to feel like a mom and not an over-ambitious baby-sitter with control issues.
That’s all that is pouring out of me for now, but it helped. It helped to just pour it onto the page. If you read it and understood, that is just a bonus.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, faith, foster care, infertility, marriage, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 1, 2009 in
faith,
Laughter Lives Tuesday
All parenting is a marathon, right? Well the last few days has felt like a marathon and a half. Every night we are having what amounts to family counseling sessions with our eldest. Last night was the longest. It started when we ate dinner at 7 and didn’t get over till AFTER I went to bed at 10:30. Kaleb and I both tend to be lecturers, but we were thankful that Gabe actually participated in the discussion last night. We don’t know how much got through, but I guess we won’t until we see from fruit from the boy.
He has 15 days of school left and the administration has let him know that if he gets caught again, in any kind of serious activity, he could be immediatley expelled. In our area, school options are very limited, so that is not an option. NOT AN OPTION! He actually said last night that he didn’t know if he could stay out of trouble for the next 15 days. Kaleb was flabergasted by that statement (made after I went to bed) and told me to talk to the boy this morning on our way in to work (he is volunteering at the Salvation Army). I told him that that kind of statement gives himself a back door to get into trouble.
“See Mom and Dad, I TOLD you I couldn’t stay out of trouble for 15 days. See!”
I told him that he is not allowed to call himself that stupid. He is not allowed to tell himself that he has no self control. He DOES! We discussed how he has to make up his mind NOW what he is going to say so that when the situations arise he already has his answers prepared. This will hopefully help counter the whole “I just do it by instinct” crap.
I gave him an example about ice cream. I am ADDICTED to ice cream. Not just ice cream, but cold things in general. I freeze lots of stuff. Berries, grapes, chocolate milk, my pop, etc… I love frozen stuff. But, if my doctor told me that for the next 15 days I had to stay away from anything cold or I could make myself very sick, I would have to make the choice that I was going to listen to my doctor. It would hurt, and I would really REALLY miss my ice cream, but I could do it because I would know it was what was best for me. In fact, after the 15 days, I would probably not be craving ice cream so much and would have put healthier habits in place.
I think he zoned out through most of it, but he laughed at me, so that is a good sign.
We may be having a certain young lady, another part of the drama, over for pizza tonight so that Gabe can give her an explanation of why he is not supposed to be dating ANYONE right now.
Just found out that Jeremiah didn’t earn a home visit this weekend. SAD! I am really going to miss my little guy!
Lord, we pray for wisdom for all parties involved and that you would show us how to be the parents YOU want us to be. Thank you for being OUR Father.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, foster care, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on Apr 30, 2009 in
faith,
High/Low Thursday
Kaleb gave Gabe the chance to come clean with everything. He had until 11 PM last night to come clean with anything without any further punishment. He rose to the occasion and came forward with some biggies. Grace and mercy floweth!
Gabe admitted to a big BIG oops and the school gave him a get out of jail free card, this time. If it happens again he will be expelled. EXPELLED!!! Grace and mercy floweth.
Gabe is with me at work until the Salvation Army opens. He will be spending the day there doing whatever needs doing. It will be good. Sweat will floweth.
I am feeling loved, strong, supported, courageous, excited (is that a bad thing?), and humorous.
I get over things quickly. Maybe too quickly. I am having to force myself to stay serious about this situation, and I find myself rather funny at times. It’s so hard to keep a straight face in my meanness.
Today will be an adventure. Thank you, Father God, that you are not only along for the ride, but have seen the end.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, foster care, marriage, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on Apr 29, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
(This post adapted from an e-mail I sent my Daddy)
Anywho, Boy drama. Our eldest has been having MAJOR honesty issues that we have been catching him in, thanks to the Holy Spirit and some amazing imparted wisdom. We thought that we had had a major breakthrough after he had been caught in a bold-faced lie about his whereabouts that ended up in him getting grounded from most privileges for 2 weeks. Anywho, yesterday we get a call from his school telling us he has been suspended for 4 days because he was caught chewing tabacco. Ewwww!!! And there is a possibility of bigger trouble too…not good.
Anywho, Sunday night we were dealing with another honesty issue and Kaleb was torn because he was supposed to leave for a business trip and just couldn’t feel right about it. We had a serious talk with Gabe about getting his act together and Kaleb reassured me that he knew I could handle things, but he just didn’t feel right. Halfway down to Appleton he just KNEW that something major was going on with our eldest, but kept trying to tell himself that every thing would be okay. Then he got the call about the suspension. Kaleb had only been at his location for 4 hours. He told his boss what was going on, and he TOTALLY understood and gave Kaleb some father-advice. Anywho, Kaleb spent the whole drive home TRYING to cool off, but kept getting more and more angry. In fact he made the 4 hour drive in 3.25 hours. Thankfully, for Gabe’s sake, our renter called to say that our water pump at that house had stopped working so he had to go work over there for a few hours (another reason I am glad he came back home) and that gave him a chance to blow off steam for a while.
The part that really amazes me is when Kaleb took Gabe hard in his arms, wrapped him up, crying over him and saying over and over “Agape. Agape.” Tears running down my strong hubby’s face. I can’t describe the moment. It was so deep. At that same moment, our Heavenly Father was wrapping my hubby in His arms and saying “Agape. Agape” over him. God is transforming our family and calling us back to him in ways that we never suspected. Before we went to bed last night, we prayed together and I told Kaleb how God has been speaking words to me during my prayers in ways I have never experienced before. Kaleb answered me by quoting Narnia’s Last Battle “Come further up and further in.”
Anywho, we are doing well. Just experiencing a very STEEP learning curve.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, foster care, marriage, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on Apr 14, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
My Dad wrote me an e-mail telling me that my home area made the news, but not in a good way. This article made me angry and sad all at the same time. How can people believe in the truth of the Gospel when other people, who are claiming to know and speak for the Lord, keep distorting his truth. And not just a little distortion, mind you. BIG GIANT LEAPS of distortion.
Lord, this news makes my heart sad. I pray that people who hear the words from these “ministers” would know that their words are lies. I pray that their hearts would not be hardened against you. I pray that YOUR TRUTH will break through.
Mel Gibson’s wife filed for divorce. This makes me sad, but I am not surprised. God used “The Passion of the Christ” in a mighty way, so I am not surprised at Satan’s attack on the Gibson family.
Lord, do not let this news shake the faith of his family, and if it does, help them to grow in a mighty way. Do not let people be led astray by this “hypocrisy”, help them to turn to you for hope.
This kind of stuff makes witnessing to my coworkers all the more difficult. Blah!
Leave a comment | | Tags: faith
Posted by Hannah Rae on Apr 1, 2009 in
faith
Ephesians 1:15-17
15For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, 16I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.
God has brought so many children across our path. Certain ones have stuck in a special place in our heart and every now and then, we can not get them out of our minds. We touched their lives for just a moment. They have touched our hearts forever.
Lord, I lift up Brittany to you. She was so close, Lord. So close to freedom! So close to a life of opportunity. Lord, touch her heart. Let her know you have not abandoned her. Let her know that you have a plan and a purose for her life. Help us to not forget her.
Lord, be with Charlie-boy. I can’t believe he’s a teenager now. I miss his smile and his laugh. Protect him. Help him remember your love and your word. Draw him close to you and help him remember you. Please help him make good choices, but most of all draw him to the path you have for him. Help us to not forget him.
Lord, be with Stephen. His heart is hurting right now. Heal his body. Heal his heart. Heal his mind. Draw him close to you and help him remember he is YOUR child. Help him remember your words. Help us to not forget him.
Lord, be with Ange. Help her to thrive. Help her to make good choices. Protect her from her memories and I claim in the name of Jesus that the demons of her past will no longer have a hold on her. Be her knight. Draw her to you.
Lord, be with Megan. She knows your voice, help her to listen to it. Draw her near to you and be her Father. Help her to make good choices and to be willing to become all you want her to be. Help her remember that she is yours. Help us to not forget her.
Lord, be with Grace. She is so scared. She is so alone. Help her to remember your promises. Heal her heart. Lord, I am asking that you find the family for her that she is supposed to be with forever. Open that family’s heart right now and put Grace on their spirit. Lord, give us wisdom to know how to talk to her, and especially how to pray for her. Help us to not forget her.
Lord forgive me for all of the times that I have failed to lift these precious ones up to you. Help me know how to pray. Help me know what to pray. Put a continual burden on my heart until that burden is lifted by your spirit.
Amen, and let it be.
Leave a comment | | Tags: faith, prayer
Posted by Hannah Rae on Mar 27, 2009 in
faith
Lord, I lift up the families that are being hit so hard by all the raging waters in the northern plains right now. Lord, we are asking for STRENGTH as the cities are tired. They need strength physically to continue to fight against the waters, strength emotionally to hold up to the continuing stress and devastation, and strength spiritually to continue to lift their cares to you.
Lord, I ask for PEACE as families watch their homes and possessions and memories being washed away. I ask for PEACE as their sense of safety is stolen by the muddy waters.
Lord, I ask for PATIENCE as the families wait and wait and wait for these record setting waters to reside.
Lord, I ask for WISDOM as families make very difficult choices.
Lord I ask for provision for FINANCES as families are hit with a very large blow. I ask for provision for housing and clothing and food. Lord, help them to remember your faithfulness in the midst of this crazyness.
Lord, I ask for safety for the families that are being evacuated and those that are staying in their homes. I ask for safety for the public servants, emergency personal, and military as they do their jobs to the best of their abilities. I ask, Lord that you give them wisdom in every decision they make.
I pray that the youth will continue to rise up to the challenge of helping those around them.
And finally, Lord, I pray for endurance as the families fight against the water AND the bitter cold. You are God. Even the wind and waves are at your command. Thank you, Father.
Amen…Let it be DONE!
Leave a comment | | Tags: faith, prayer
Posted by Hannah Rae on Mar 11, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
As I posted about before, God is really dealing with my heart on a lot of levels. He wants more of me. He wants more of my eyes, more of my ears, and more of my time. My heart He has, and even my body, but those other things are lacking. He wants all of me, and that is a tough thing.
The imminent move in of a certain 16 year old boy (on Saturday! Happy Birthday, Gabe!) has got my brain thinking even more about this because I realized that when he is over we watch A LOT of TV. Or rather I realized that we always watch a lot of TV, but I just became aware of it because his 16 year old presence was making me self-conscious in its true sense.
Then, I read a wonderfully upsetting post by Margaret in Minnesota, and the comments that followed, that has really convicted my heart that this is what God is leading us to. I say “us” because the whole family is TV addicted. We are looking at some alternatives, cool, tech-savvy stuff, but I want to set a realistic goal of cutting the majority of my TV time out.
Here’s one of my major hurdles: I can’t handle silence…or even quiet. I sleep with noise on (either a CD or the fan), I have to work with noise on (yay Pandora), and cleaning tasks REQUIRE loud music…NOISE! So either Heidi Baker is going to be getting a lot of listens or I am going to have the entire set of FOTF Radio Theater’s “Chronicles of Narnia” memorized. Or maybe, God wants me to learn to be SILENT so I can hear HIM?
I know that my filters can handle most of the “yuck” that is out there, but should I need to have so many filters? Have my filters become clogged so that I am going to start spewing “yuck” without even realizing it?
God, you tell us to be Holy as you are Holy. I am not sure how to do that. It’s going to hurt isn’t it? I’m going to stand out even more than I already do, aren’t I? But that’s the point, right? I hear your heart, and I hear what it means to my life, I am just not sure how to implement it, or how to get my family on board. Please give me courage. I want to seek you, not Heroes or Lost. I want to seek your will for me, not Oprah’s. I want to be who you want me to be, not who TLC wants me to be. Be my excitement and my rest. Be the voice I hear in my head and in my heart. Give me courage.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Being set apart, faith, technology
Posted by Hannah Rae on Mar 5, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
I stayed home sick today and slept A LOT!!!
Yesterday at work I was feeling feverish and very light headed. I came home and went bed at 9:30…slept until 11…got up for a couple of hours….slept from 1 till 3….will probably go to bed early again.
Thankfully I am not doing those other things that I don’t want to mention…not that I believe in jinxing or anything.
Abby Riggs is really on my mind today. Lord I am lifting up that precious girl. Thank you for her amazing spirit. Please heal her body and keep her family strong in you. I don’t know why it’s hit me so strong…but she got my heart today.
Leave a comment | | Tags: faith
