Ah…Christmas

I love Christmas.

Although I don’t consider myself a fanatic, I am a definite fan of this particular holiday. Holy day.

I am one of “those people” who plays Christmas music all year round, and busts out the decorations the day after Thanks Giving, because I can.

I am a traditionalist. I love the whole season of Advent, liturgy and all, and we are building as many traditions into this short, special time that we can.

But…

Christmas this year is different.

My daddy has gone to his heavenly home and is celebrating our savior continuously…without the need for tinsel. (But who really uses tinsel anyways?)

My sister, Rachel, has been training in Colorado with  YWAM, so I haven’t had my decorating partner, my baking partner, and my sing-along-with-Muppet-Christmas-Carol partner. (That thankfully is being unexpectedly rectified tonight.)

I have two tramautized sons, who have not only lost their beloved grandfather, but are experiencing the anxiety of….oh so many wonderful holiday triggers.  Jeremiah especially is having a difficult time believing that today (or tomorrow, or the day after that) will not be the day that he will have to pack his bags and move on. Since his birth mom left him when he was 4, he has never been with a family two Christmases in a row.

Let that sink in.

To him, this is an impossibility.

And the deadline is approaching fast.

I have such a wonderful extended family who has embraced our boys whole heartedly, although most of them can not comprehend the whys and hows. I am so thankful for them.

Today I will try to get some baking done. There is a mom in the community who is really struggling after 2 back surgeries, and the football moms (Hey! I’m a football mom!) are bringing over some Christmas goodies. That feels good. Plus it gives me an excuse to try out some new recipes.

I hear my sarcastic friends saying, “Sure! Experiment on the sick person!”

Don’t worry. My boys can attest to the fact that 99% of my experiments turn out to be AMAZING!

Anywho, to close this ragged Christmas post…

I bless everyone one of you this Christmas with what our family has been learning this advent.

I bless you with God’s Hope. That you will know that He ALWAYS keeps his promises, even if the results don’t look like what we expected.

I bless you with God’s Peace. That you will know that God is in control and that he is taking care of you, even when your world seems like chaos. (Oh, you know we’ve needed some major peace.)

I bless you with God’s Joy. That you will know in your innermost being that not only is God in control, but he has GOOD THINGS planned for you. Better than we could ever HOPE or IMAGINE.

And finally, I bless you with God’s Love. A love that surpasses anything our human brains or hearts can comprehend. A love that is all sacrificing. All healing. All filling. A perfect love that casts out all fear. (That is what I am praying for my boys.) For God loved we crazy people so much, that He sent His only son,His perfect son,His precious son, to come as a baby, experience hunger, and pain, and puberty, just so He could go to that cross one day, die an excruciating death, for us. FOR US! Why? Because he couldn’t imagine eternity without us.

Now that’s love.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a healing night.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Praying for Haiti

Hoping for those who are losing hope.

Thanking God for those who are safe.

Asking our Father to be with His children.

Claiming PEACE in Jesus’ name. Peace over even the very earth they stand on.

Waiting on how the Lord will bring His good, even out of this tragedy.

Holding on to His promises.

Join with me. Pray for Haiti.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Cherishing, hoping, and letting go….all at the same time.

This has been a very emotional week for our family, especially my husband. On Monday morning, his grandma, who just turned 90 years old in August, was admitted to the hospital for what they thought was pneumonia. She has gone down hill ever since. It turns out she has an obstructed bowel that is causing some major issues.  She was transported to a bigger hospital, which has it’s pros and cons. The pros are that there are more specialists available to figure out the best plan of action. The cons are that care is much more impersonal. She’s in a shared room, and my hubby has had to really fight for her to receive the attention and care she needs.

Kaleb has been such a trooper. He’s been by her side almost non-stop since Wednesday night. The rest of the family came up from downstate today, so that has helped, but he is still emotionally exhausted. At least tonight he’s not crying so much and is actually able to enjoy watching a movie. He said his better mood is because she actually walked today. There is hope.

This woman means more to my precious husband than I could ever comprehend. This woman raised my husband in her house when the rest of his life was total chaos. His parents went through a time when they were not making very good choices, and his grandma took him and his sister in and saved them from the chaos that our sons have had to go through in foster care.

For the past three days he has not stopped weeping for her.

But today there is hope.

Today there is more peace.

She is 90 years old. She has lived through the Great Depression, numerous wars,  and crazy, harsh, U.P. winters with snow toppling over the roof of the house. She has worked hard her entire life, throwing hay at nine months pregnant. She is a fighter, so we are praying that she will not give up now.

It’s hard to know what to pray now. Should be praying that her passing is peaceful? Or continue to pray for healing? Or simply pray that God’s will be done, and leave it at that?

I am doing a lot of praying for my husband and his father, as they are the ones who seem to most deeply affected.

I am more numb than I would like. I’m even having a hard time staying continually compassionate, but I’m trying. I cried, but not out of sadness, out of frustration of not knowing what to do for my husband to comfort his heart.

Please pray. I don’t know how, but let the spirit give you the words.

Blessings!

Hannah

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God cares about power cords

I want to share a little story about God’s big faithfulness.

We went to my mother’s this past weekend to spend some badly needed time with her, as well as enjoy a Christian music festival. We have all been going through a lot of changes and stresses lately, and this vacation was something we needed in order to be refreshed. Kaleb was actually able to come, which is not always the case due to his responsibilities at work, and he was looking forward to it immensely.

All was going well until we got a call a day before we were leaving from my husband’s cousin who had agreed to stay with our dogs while we were gone. He said that he could no longer watch the dogs, but that another cousin would be able to. That was fine, so plans continued. 5 hours after we left on our trip we got a call from the first cousin saying that he couldn’t get a hold of the second cousin because she was away camping. The first cousin said that he couldn’t take care of the dogs, and what should he do. This is a grown man by the way. Our dogs had been home alone 5 hours at this point, so I told him that he needed to go sleep over there for the night and that we would find someone to take care of the them tomorrow.

Now, Kaleb is a pessimist. He is convinced that Murphy follows us and loves to torture us. He was convinced we needed to turn around and go home. We stopped at a wayside (I love that they are actually called waysides. As in “fall by the wayside.” Hehe.) and we prayed. We prayed because God knew we needed this break as a family and we claimed that He would come through with someone to watch our dogs, but that if we needed to go home we would.

We called a friend for whom we have dog sat before. At 11 PM. He was up and he agreed not only to watch the dogs, but to bring them back to his home, with a fenced in yard.

Yes. God cares about dog-sitters.

We got to my mom’s safely and enjoyed a restful night (morning actually). We had driven through the night, so once we got up at noon, we were all lounging in our jammies in my mom’s living room.  Kaleb had to get some work done on his laptop, so Mom and Rachel went to town to do some errands and we were planning on meeting up with them later.  Eventually, Kaleb’s laptop started to run low on power, and as he reached into his bag to get his power cord I saw his face go white.

“It’s not here. I left my power cord at home!”

He knew exactly where it was. It was plugged in next to our bed. He had left it there after taking a meeting in our bedroom the day before.

Now normally this would not be a big deal. Many laptops have similar power adapters and it’s typically not difficult to find one that will work. This was not the case.  My hubby’s business laptop is a business class HP, which apparently has an annoyingly unique power adapter. Again, in normal circumstances no reason to panic, we would be going home in a few days, but Kaleb was not heading home with us. He was flying directly from my home town to Los Angeles to meet with big wigs about big projects of which all the information for was on his laptop…with very little power left.

Panic set in. Kaleb was nearly ready to jump in the car and head back to the U.P. (a 13 hour drive) simply to get his power cord. He was angry at himself, and convinced that his “foolishness” had ruined the trip for everyone.

I prayed. I prayed that there would be a solution. He couldn’t pray at this point, so I prayed for him.

He searched online and found that B*st B*y had a universal adapter that might work. But it was expensive. And the store might not have it in stock.

I prayed. I prayed to my Heavenly Father that He would help. That he would not only have the adapter be in stock, but that it would be on sale.

Can you guess what happened? Do you know how crazy faithful my God is about even the little things?

Not only did they have the adapter in stock, but it was more than 50% off. (I’m tearing up over this.) Not only that, but it WORKED!!!

God saved our trip. Every time the enemy tried to trip us up, God intervened because He knows our hearts and He KNEW we needed this family time. Or maybe he intervened simply so I could write this post to tell you that HE CARES! Even about the little things.

He cares about sales on school clothes and where you put that important piece of paper. He cares because He loves you! If you stop your busy mind and take the time to ask Him, He will help!

Now, I know it doesn’t always work exactly the way we want it too. Sometimes things just suck, but God is still there in those moments. Sometimes, I just have to take the time to ask Him what he wants me to hear in those sucky situations. God is not scared by our questions. He welcomes them, because at least we are coming to him.

1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible)

⁷Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

Blessings!

Hannah

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The one where I continue to wonder:

The job I was hoping for is not to be. I got the letter of doom last night. If you’ve never gotten a letter of doom, it says something to the effect of….You are highly qualified, but there were other people MORE highly qualified, so we don’t want you. Okay, that’s a little dramatic, but it’s how I’m feeling right now.

I AM highly qualified. I am extremely gifted in what I do. I don’t say that to be cocky, it’s just how God has gifted me. But yet, the job that seemed so perfect is not meant to be mine. God knows why.

No really! GOD KNOWS WHY! I sure don’t, but He DOES!

We’ve been here before. Jobs fall through so the exact right one is able to appear, seemingly out of no where. So why is it still hard for me to trust?

I think I’ll call it Israelitis: The condition of continuing to doubt even though you have been miraculously provided for over and over and over and over again.  You were saved from 10 plagues? Great! You saw an enormous body of water part before you so you could walk on dry land? Amazing! You woke up every morning and there was food laying on the ground just waiting for you to eat it? Fantastic! And yet, you continually ask God why and how and how come. You actually ACCUSE HIM of being mean and not providing for you. You actually ask Him WHY he brought you out of slavery in the first place.

Okay, God. Thank you. I needed that. I’m breathing now. I am.

I spoke to the CEO this morning. She said I was on her list to call today. I asked her what was up with the whole letter of doom thing. She said that they are “keeping me in mind” for a position when the infant and toddler program opens in November(ish). “That’s the direction we’re heading.” Ambiguous hope. I won’t hold on to it too tightly. I will continue to hold on to God’s truth that HE owns the cattle on a thousand hills and HE is the first and the last and HE knows which way the wind will blow.

Breathing again.

Countdown: 30 days until my position no longer exists. Until I disappear from who I currently am.

Breathing.

Lord, continue to speak to my heart today. I need your help. I need your peace and comfort. I need your assurance in who I am as your daughter. Bless me indeed. Is that okay? Yes, you love me. Good.

Blessings!

Hannah

PS. In other news, Jeremiah has decided he wants to change his name to DJ. We’ll see.

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It’s a grrr week continued

So yesterday was tough. Today would prove to be tougher.

Got in a minor fender bender. First thing that goes through my mind is Kaleb’s gonna be pissed . It’s been one of those weeks. Everything is on edge. Every decision being questioned. It’s both of us. Both of us are cranky. I just tend to go internal, where as his upset-ness tends ot be more visible. Me, it ends up coming out in tears later on about something stupid. Then it all comes spilling out.

But I digress.

I got in a minor fender bender. I was turning right with a bunch of other cars on a green light when the truck in front of me stopped very suddenly. I hit their bumper. I was going very slow, but the impact still pushed me back a little. I turned on my signal to pull over, but the truck kept going. Did they even feel it? Apparently not. I decided to drive the 1 block to my office. I surveyed the damage. My bumper is cracked and the shiny stuff displaced, but nothing major. Nothing structural. I went into my office to call my insurance company (not the cops. I’ll get to that later.) but didn’t get the chance because I was immediately pulled aside by our office assistant and told that our Executive Director wanted to speak to us, and that it was bad news. How bad? Well, the way M. described it was that she asked our boss on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad, 1 being we get a cookie, and 10 being excruciatingly, painfully bad, how bad? It was a 10. Not good.

So, I work for a non-profit. A non-profit who’s funding depends on a funding corporation. A non-profit who’s funding is always in the balance depending on the state’s grants etc… Did I mention I live in Michigan? The state with the highest unemployment rate in the country? The state making the news a lot, and not usually in good ways?

So, our funding is being cut. We just found out today that as of October 1st, my job, and the equivalent specialists across the state will probably not exist any more.No more job. Ick!

The blessing is that God decided to give me a prequel of his providence by giving me a call yesterday from an organization that wants me to interview for a  teaching position at a new preschool, and for a very competetive wage. Possibly even equivalent to what I’m making now. AND TEACHING!!!! YAY!!!! And they called me! The program director for the whole organization called me and said that she was impressed with me through the interactions we’ve had through my current position and she wanted to make sure she gave me a call. There are limited positions available, so she wanted to make sure I was on the short list. That’s a good sign, right?

So my heart has hope, but it is also very overwhelmed with a very overwhelming, emotionally taxing week.

But let’s end by couting our blessings

• Jeremiah is home. He is almost home for good. He is being the sweetest, happiest little boy and I am so glad that I get to experience his love.
• The fender bender today was very minor. The police officer didn’t even think it was worth a write-up. Especially since the pick-up drove off.
• God gave me an interview before I even knew I needed one.
• There are more blessings coming than I could ever imagine.

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Riding in cars with Gabe

I like Tuesdays.

Tuesdays are Soup Group days.

We get together with our spiritual family, love on each other, and spend some time in the Word. We heap loads and loads of encouragement on each other and, when necessary, offer guidance and correction. Gabe is now part of this family, and I am so thankful.

Gabe’s been making really poor choices lately, and before Soup Group I had lost my temper with him. He plays dumb and chooses not to face the mistakes he’s made, and it drives me KOOKOO! Anywho, I lost my temper. I had to buy some carpet shampoo, so as I wandered the aisles of the store I prayed out loud to “God, that boy makes me so angry. I’m sorry for losing my temper. Please show me how to love him. Please show me how to guide him. He can’t keep doing this. He is going to crash and burn. What do we do, God?”

I got in the car, apologized for yelling, hugged him, and we went to Soup Group. We studied Romans 2 and 3. Lots of law and grace stuff. Very heavy. Lots of assurance. It was good. We prayed together. I prayed that Kaleb and I would have wisdom of how to parent Gabe the way He would want us to. I prayed that Gabe’s heart would be transformed.

I love Tuesday nights, because the night sky and the 45 minute drive home allows openness and opportunity for hard conversations. We left Soup Group. The Holy Spirit came along for the ride. I asked Gabe to tell me what he dreams his life will be like when he is 25.

• He wants to be a mechanic.
• He wants to live in an apartment or a house on a lake in Minneapolis.
• He wants a loving, determined, faithful, trusting wife.
• He wants to be a loving, respectful, faithful, loyal, determined, trustworthy husband.

It was the door I needed. The door God opened.

We talked about the traits he would need in order to see that dream come true. We talked about how if he wants his wife to be able to trust him, if he wants to be a trustworthy husband he needs to start practicing being trustworthy now because it’s not a switch you can just flip on someday. That seemed to hit him.  With each dream, we talked about the CHARACTER TRAITS he would need to start developing NOW in order to achieve those dreams.

Here were the biggies:

• Trustworthiness (i.e. telling the truth, doing what you say you are going to do, taking responsibility etc…)
• Diligence (completing tasks well, even when they are hard. Pushing through the tough things without giving up)
• Time management (staying on task, completing things in a timely manner)

He asked about how to chose the right girl. We talked about prayer, and faith, and trust of the other person. I felt a tug on my heart to be very real with him. I told him how his heart has a lot of scar tissue on it right now that needs to be healed before he will be ready for that kind of relationship. I felt God whisper “Tell him how. Tell him how much I want to heal him.” So I did.

I pray Psalm 27:7-14  over my boys. I prayed it over Grace too, and still do. I read it to him, multiple times. I wanted him to hear God’s heart for him. Here’s the Gabe version.

Hear Gabe’s voice when he calls, O LORD;
be merciful to him and answer him.

⁸ His heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
Your face, LORD, he will seek.( I claim this in faith)

⁹ Do not hide your face from him,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been his helper. (even when he didn’t know you were there.)
Do not reject him or forsake him,
O God my Savior.

¹⁰ Though your father and mother forsake him,
the LORD will receive him .

¹¹ Teach him your way, O LORD;
lead him in a straight path
because of his oppressors.(which include his own thoughts, and habits, and hurts)

¹² Do not turn him over to the desire of his foes, (including the evil one, the world, and those who want to hurt him)
for false witnesses (including his very own thoughts) rise up against him,
breathing out violence.

¹³ I am still confident of this:
Gabe will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD, Gabe;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

It’s in Gabe’s court now. God is there waiting. I will keep praying. I am so thankful for my 45 minute commute.

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Tuesday night blessing

Tuesdays are Soup Group nights. It’s been that way for nearly 5 years now. It started as a small group Bible study for young couples, and has morphed into a family that loves, supports, and is committed to doing so.

Last night was a beautiful time. Our Soup Group parents are a couple in their 70′s who are the oldest teenagers in our church. Every week they love on us with food, Godly wisdom, and lots of hugs and laughs. For most of this summer, they have been MIA. They have family downstate, as well as in WI, so they try to go and see their grand kids as much as possible. One of their daughters had surgery recently, so they spent a good amount of time down there while she recovered. This week, they are in Seattle. The travel is really wearing on them. Last night, all of the “kids” got together anyway and spent some time interceding for two of the most important people in all of our lives. We prayed for refreshment, for healing, and for ideas of how to bless them.

That was beautiful, but it didn’t end. We had decided we were going to discuss Romans 1 and I absolutely loved hearing how God was speaking to each of us through this powerful passage. We spent a good chunk of time talking about the interesting, delicate balance of compassion and accountability.

My sister Rachel’s jaw was hurting her. We both suffer from TMJ, and hers has gotten a lot worse lately. So in the middle of Romans discussion we stopped and laid hands on her and claimed healing for her jaw. One of our friends felt in her spirit that Rachel should praise God with her mouth, and she did. She prayed for me in the process, which was an added bonus. I love how we are growing in our ability to break out of the norm and follow the spirit.

We ended the night in more prayer. Do you see a pattern here? There were a lot of employment issues and financial issues to lift up, as well as a highly anticipated baby that is due ANY DAY NOW!!!!  Gabe even asked for prayer for himself, that he would make good choices as he is given more freedom. YAY!  I left feeling totally filled and totally blessed.

Gabe and I had a good talk on the way home. Nothing too deep, but it was a real conversation, which is wonderful in itself.

I hope that you have people in your life who love you, pray for you, and hold you accountable. People who you can inappropriately  joke with and get totally out of control with because you trust them so much.  If you don’t, check with your local church for a small group that meets on a regular basis. Who knows? They may become the family you never knew you needed.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Bedtime prayers and answers

I got to talk to Jeremiah’s adoption worker today. She called me out of the blue at work.  It was a joyful conversation. She was “overjoyed” that Jeremiah had found “such a capable family.” I was overjoyed for the surprise progress in the process. Progress I didn’t even know was coming.

The plan is end of summer. He will be here full time by end of summer. WHAT? SOOOO excited. SOOOO not ready.

We talked about it on the ride home today. What a great conversation.

“I got a call from your adoption worker today.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means your adoption paper work is coming through.”

“What’s does that mean?”

“That means that soon a judge is going to say that you are a permanent part of this family. Forever!”

“And you are going to be my REAL Mom and Dad?”

“Yup. Forever and ever.”

“Even if I do something really bad, you will still be my Mom and Dad?” (That made me smile, cuz I knew the answer.)

“We will be your Mom and Dad forever and ever, no matter what you do.”

(Insert a smile so big I thought his face would tear.)

That would have been enough, but the beauty continued. When saying goodnight, Kaleb took Jeremiah into his lap and Jeremiah recounted the conversation to his dad.

“If it happens, that means you are going to be my Dad forever and ever!”

“It WILL happen, buddy. Forever and ever. I love you.” Kaleb gave Jerome a big kiss on the cheek, another big hug, and sent him off to do his bedtime routine with me.

My heart was melting. I wanted to shout at Kaleb, “See! SEE! You DO love him! SEE!!!!”

Again, that would have been enough to keep me reeling with joy, but there was more blessing to come.

Jeremiah loves to read his Bible. Every night we read a devotion from Keys for Kids, which is the same devotional that we used when I was a child. He read really well. I was so proud of him. After devotions we say prayers. I ask him what he would like to pray for and the list usually includes the group home and his very special dog friend, Kasey. I then ask him if he has anything he would like to thank God for, and tonight he said “That you and Dad are going to be my Mom and Dad forever.” I smiled. I asked him to pray the thank yous, and I would pray for the rest. I was expecting a very simple “Thank you, God that Mom and Dad are going to adopt me.” Or something like that. What I got blew me out of the water.

(In the most sincere, cheerfully thankful voice I have ever heard from anyone.) “Thank you so much, God for such a beautiful day and that we had so much fun together. Thank you for the beautiful fireworks that we got to go to (on the 4th) and for the fun we got to have with Grandma and Grandpa. Please keep Grandma and Grandpa safe. Thank you that you love us so much and that you let my caseworker say that it’s okay for Mom and Dad to adopt me. Thank you for my family. Thank you for being such a good God. Amen.”

Holy WOW!!! Was the Holy Spirit speaking to that boy’s heart or what???

I prayed my part, kissed him goodnight, turned off the lights, and practically floated down stairs.

I am thanking God tonight for a little boy’s faith and his huge heart. I am thanking God for the miracle he has done in my husband’s heart and that He will continue to do.

No wonder I want more.

God is so good. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Father.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, Being set apart, foster care, marriage, parenting, prayer

WARNING: More sappy infertility whining ahead. Proceed with caution.

I am writing this to sincerely ask for prayer for my heart. I’m not sure how to do this on my own. I’m not sure I SHOULD be doing this on my own. I need my Father’s healing, and I’m not sure how to accept it. So, here’s the crap.

Found out yesterday that two more people close to me are pregnant. 2 more. That brings the count up to 8. Yes, I’ve been counting. Maybe that’s the first problem. I thought I was handling it well, especially when I found out that one of them found out on Mother’s Day, the day I took my first test this last time around and got a resounding “No!” I thought I was doing well. There was no sarcasm in my voice when I told her congratulations. I didn’t even burst into tears during my teleconference a few minutes later. I thought I was okay.

Then last night I went to bed and my hubby came to tuck me in and everything came flooding out in a 1 hour gush of fear and hurt. It wasn’t all about my lack of pregnant-ness, but that’s how it ended. The hubby said some hard things to hear, but there was a lot of truth in every word. My brain and heart are having a hard time digesting this particular truth. I don’t want to hurt my husband with my obsession. I don’t want my boys to feel unloved. I don’t want to be crazy. I DON’T! So why can’t I stop the thoughts? Why can’t I stop the continual feelings, the waves of pure emotion? Why is it so hard this time? Why has this lasted for so long. As Kaleb pointed out last night, my “baby crazies” don’t usually last this long and they have never been this intense.

Please pray for me. I am so tempted to find something to fill this hole without letting the Lord finally heal it. I don’t trust Him enough to do that. I don’t know how to trust Him that much. I want a puppy to raise again. I’d even settle for a kitten. That would at least distract me, right? I know I shouldn’t do that. I can’t. It’s not healthy. But what do I do with this hole?

If I keep writing, my keyboard will get soggy and I won’t make any more sense, so I will stop for now. Please help me to see God’s truth for me. I already know it, but my heart is being very stubborn. Please help me see.

Lord, please help me see you. Your truth for me. Your reality of who I am. Please.

Leave a comment | 9 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: faith, infertility, marriage