And I’m still thankful…on purpose.

It’s been tough.

I failed at the thankfulness countdown.

More trauma.

The babe might be moved soon.

Too soon.

We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.

Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.

Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?

It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.

It’s hard to breathe.

This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.

My friend Eileen said it so well.

“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”

But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.

But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.

Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”

Somehow.

But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.

And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.

We need our suddenly.

Blessings!

Hannah

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