We are appealing the decision, but I have no confidence.
Jeremiah’s situation is so up in the air.
Where will he be? Who can help him? What role are we supposed to play? How much can our hearts handle?
It’s been hard to be thankful because I’ve been so angry. Angry that we are having to go over yet another hurdle, and another. The past two years have been so hard and it’s just not letting up. We are asking a lot of questions that there just are not easy answers to.
It’s hard to breathe.
This weight that’s on my heart feels so overwhelming that it makes every breath a conscious effort. Every smile is a decision.
My friend Eileen said it so well.
“If it looks to you as if I don’t take something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over, ok, that’s good cause that would scare the kids. And maybe what you see is me standing on the rock of my faith – my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives. Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because we are intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover… along those same lines – you cannot always see the brokenness of a life by looking at someones’ face.
Imma gonna dance on – with you or without you, it’s ok, I have friends who get it.”
But sometimes there are just too many unanswered “what if’s,” and sanity is just not possible.
But I am choosing to be thankful. Choosing very carefully what attitudes I hold onto. The emotions and the feelings and the thoughts come like darts and hit at some very inconvenient and even inappropriate times, piercing me to the deepest parts of my…depths, but I choose what stays.
Somehow, I’m going to have to choose to say “You give and take away, blessed be Your name.”
Somehow.
But be patient with me, and remind me gently, and if I yell at you and tell you to shut up, love me anyways, and then try again later.
And keep praying for us, ‘cuz none of this makes any flippin’ sense.
17. Silence. This is a new discovery for me. I had the opportunity to go on a silent retreat this weekend and was blown away by how God touched my heart. More on that later I hope.
18. Chai tea and hot chocolate…together. I found some amazing chai tea that has some real kick to it, and when combined with my favorite hot cocoa. MmmMmmMmm goodness.
19. My crock pot. What a versatile tool that thing is. Love it.
20. My sauna. It helps make me clean. Really, really clean. And boy can you tell when you’ve been eating garlic. Hehehe.
Superficial, but worth being thankful for all the same.
15. Cloth diapers. I love our cloth diapers. We decided to use cloth long before we had a baby to diaper. When Baby E came into our lives, I almost forgot our choice until my sister-in-law reminded me, “Hey, weren’t you going to do cloth?” Oh, yeah. I was. Per her recommendation we decided on the Flip system by Cotton Babies. I like a lot of things about this system. It’s one of the least expensive and cost-efficient cloth-diapering systems I’ve found, and it’s very low maintenance. Hubby loves the money these modern beauties save us. We were gifted some disposables that we use when we are out and about, so we realize how many we go through in just one day. I love our flannel wipes just as much. They clean so well and prevent so much waste. See, we have to pay for every bag of trash we put out, so every bit counts. I’m so glad we made that choice.
16. I am thankful for my sisters in Christ. I know I already said how thankful I am for our church family, but within that family are some very special women who chose to share life with me. They are honest, blunt, and loving. They are real and choose to be vulnerable. We laugh a lot. We cry a lot too. We are known to break out into spontaneous prayer for each other at a moment’s notice, and occasionally we break out into song too. I love these women, and I love their kids as well. I prayed for years for a community like them, and God brought them into my life at just the right time.
So, just in case you didn’t know, or are calendar challenged, like I am, the holiday of Thanks Giving is next Thursday.
NEXT. WEEK.
So that means that procrastinators, such as myself, need to get their butts in gear and start preparing their hearts, minds, and blogs for some major thankfullness.
I’ve been inspired by bloggers, whose organizational skills I covet, and their beautiful posts expressing an area of thankfullness (why is that not a word?) for each day leading up to the 24th. Posts like this remind me how truly blessed, spoiled really, I am.
So, I have some catching up to do.
I am thankful for:
My relationship with my Heavenly Father. This might sound cliche, but this year especially I am so thankful for knowing my creator in a personal way and, more importantly, that He knows me. That He knows my needs in ways that only He can; that not even I know. That is good.
My husband. He is my best friend. He is so much more than that. He has truly become part of who I am, but that is what becoming one is supposed to be, right? More on him next week.
My sister, Rachel. She is my other best friend. I am so thankful for her support and her joy.
My sons. They are a learning experience that I never knew I needed. They’ve stretched me. They’ve brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. They made me a mom.
My critters. I am so glad that God made animals. I love my fuzzy friends. They were my first children, and I even got to name them. Hehehe. (Infertile women, unite!)
Baby E. She is my sunshine. I am thankful for every day with her. Enough said.
My family near and far. God gave me you for times like this. I love you. One of you needs to invent a teleporter, like, NOW!
My church family. I can’t even describe how much I love you. I recognize that very few are blessed with a community of believers like the one my beloved and I belong to.
My community of trauma mamas and papas. I can not imagine going through this journey of parenthood without your support, wisdom, friendship, and dark humor.
My home. It’s quirky, but I love it. My favorite part is our living room. It’s big enough to romp around in (think what you will), and has a beautiful sandstone wall and a fireplace. Oh, how I love our fireplace! If we are ever out of this trauma cycle and actually get to remodel, I want to put a stone hearth (is that what it is?) around it so that I can use it for cooking. Wouldn’t that be cool? I think so.
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I love this place. It’s something you just have to experience to understand. The lakes, the trees, the snow (yes, I love the snow!), the stars, the people, there’s just nothing like it.
Food. I am so thankful that we have access to so many choices and flavors and that I can create with, and enjoy, and nourish my family. Food is good.
Electricity. I often long for the simpler things, and I know I could do without this modern convenience, but I am definitely thankful for it. It allows me to listen to beautiful music and uplifting messages. It allows me to watch shows and movies that make me laugh and cry. It allows me to share life with friends and family far away. It allows me to share my mind and heart with you. It’s a good thing.
My health. This is an area I’ve struggled through my whole life, and it still is a struggle, but when I put things into perspective, my health issues are mainly annoyances. My body is strong and can fight things off in a reasonable amount of time. I have access to medicines and supplements and all kinds of nutrients, as well as the ability to research them. Plus, I know who my healer is, and that is good.
Okay, that’s 14. Now, hopefully I will be able to remember to continue to post for the next 10 days.
I think that my journey with infertility gives me unique perspective on certain issues in our world.
Not just my infertility, but my intense passion for children and their well-being.
I. Love. Kids.
So things like this make me really happy.
I could watch programs about child development for hours. I never tire of the miracle of how we are created and are continually shaped into these amazingly unique beings.
On side note, if you are a parent, or someone who loves a child, and you haven’t read Nancy Tillman’s “On the Night You were Born,” you need to. Amazing. Plus, it’s featured, along with other Tillman titles, at Kohl’s this month in support of their Kohl’s Cares for Kids campaign, so it’s a good time to get it.
On the flip side, just like the things that highlight the beauty and wonder of children make me full of joy, anything that disregards or causes harm to children makes me so angry that…well, I just don’t have words.
I don’t have words for things like this:
No words, except: This. Must. Stop.
I have to be so careful to guard my heart in this area, because the subject of abortion, or even unwanted children is such a breeding ground for hatred and bitterness in my heart, even bitterness against my Heavenly Father. All the “why’s” creep up, and it’s hard to stop them once they start. So I am careful. And I pray.
And I wait on what God has to say to my heart. And I stop trying to understand, ‘cuz I won’t this side of heaven.
And then I go back to rejoicing in God’s creation, and how every life is precious. I watch things like this (one of my favorites EVER!) to gain some perspective:
I. Love. Life.
And it doesn’t stop here.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Kohl’s did not compensate me in any way for my mention of them. All opinions are my own.
p.p.s. Baby E was cracking my up today with her singing and jabbering. She is such a delight.
And boy can you tell when you’ve been eating garlic. Hehehe.
