Trauma has given me….
Well, I’ll get to that.
I met my friend Lindsay at the Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before everything EXPLODED. We immediately clicked. I think our first conversation was about how our trauma kids smell….like, bad. We are both drama geeks, and we both love to laugh, even when it’s hard…especially when it’s hard.
I trust her. She has become another amazing mommy mentor that I wish I could carry around in my back pocket. I really do trust her, but dangit (‘cuz I’m not good at swearing) do I ever want to smack her sometimes because she is so very good at challenging my heart when I’d rather not go “there”.
She wrote this today. I don’t get it. It is not sinking in. Sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I’ve let God use the trauma to root out and replace some major issues in my heart, so in that I am thankful, but I’m not thankful for the truama itself, I’m thankful for what God has used it to do, but I’d rather that He chose a different way.
AND THEN Diana, who writes over here, dared to write this in the comments of Lindsay’s post:
“THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren’t our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don’t ruin our lives…but rather bless it with heaven’s richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.”
I am not there yet. I still feel like one child in particular is a burden, or rather, not him, but what the trauma has turned him into. I don’t really know how to say that, and to admit it makes me feel so icky. I still feel like this kid came really close to ruining my life, and I don’t feel like I was blessed with heaven’s richest blessing through him. I’m not there yet. Will I ever be? Don’t know. Really, really don’t know. (See, you know I’ m frazzled when my grammar goes out the window.)
But this is why I surround myself with people who “get” what this journey is like, what I am going through, what our family is going through, and what my kids are going through. I can trust them to show me what life CAN be, and that it won’t always be how I see it today. And some days, I hope I can be that for them, although I am definitely feeling like the baby in the group most of the time.
But I’m learning.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. Baby E had her 6 month appointment today and rockin’ all the doctor’s expectations. No one would know that this little wonder had such a rough start. 
Praise Jesus!
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Sweet Hannah (I will post this on your blog as well)…you don’t have to be here, especially if you don’t want to be….weeks ago I was calling Trauma $#!^^%…and I most likely will go back to feeling that way again, over and over again…I am so desperately human.
Remember a couple months ago, I told Christine to “SHUT UP”…when she wrote a post about slowing down and enjoying the journey…you have my full blown permission to tell me to “Shut up” anytime you need to…consider it a “get out of jail card/I will love you no matter what card”.
I had a horrific day yesterday regarding baby Faith, my heart was breaking open with the conflict and pain that is about to occur. I picked up a book another Trauma Mama had loaned me at my children’s therapist office….
What I read, had touched me so deeply, waves of forgiveness for my parents, my parents parents, the pain I had shouldered simply by being born out of cycles of neglect, selfishness and pain, lifted, and my heart was so full.
Losing and letting go of Papillion, was either going to break me or make me stronger, there are days the jury is still out…
I. LOVE. YOU. Hannah Rae. You are a phenomenal Mother and person…there is so much that you teach me, so very many qualities you have that I lack…when you are ready, if you want, you might get to this part in the road,I know I will have giant steps backwards…and not feel this way…
but the fact that I did, makes me know I can get back here…and so.will.you. when it is time…we are on HIS timeline…LOVE YOU…oh..and kiss that little pumpkin for me….
Thank you, friend. I’m taking it all in.
And I will gladly kiss her for you…and then for me a few hundred more times.
Yesterday, or maybe the day before I was listening to Moody radio and at some point in the day someone said that God has blessed us with family.
!!!!!!!!!
sigh. I know. But I forget. And I walk away. And I say – I will. not. do. this. family. thing.
And then I get reminded. And I know that He has done exactly what that person said. And it is as Lindsay and Diana have said. And I know that God is working on me, I am working it out, through the people He has surrounded me with. In the place where He has put me. And I sigh. And I know that it is good.
Hard.
And good.
It IS all worth it, and I stand up and move along, one step. And know that I will take one more step. And one more, though I may be slow and I often wander.
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