I found a button.
One of my buttons, that is.
This whole journey to get to know myself can be so interesting at times. I laugh sometimes when I get those “Ah ha!” moments about MYSELF!
Anywho, I realized today that it pushes a major irratation button when people don’t trust my knowledge about child development or what is appropriate to expect from a child of a certain age, namely Baby E.
One of the challenging things about doing foster care is that you are purposefully putting yourself and your family under a big-ass microscope. Everything you do and every decision you make can be put under scrutiny. You just have to get used to it. Thankfully, I am not typically a defensive person. In fact, Hubby says I am an excellent PR representative for this family, but something got my goat today.
Basically, I felt like one of our workers was questioning my ability to work for Baby E’s best interest. The details aren’t important, but the feelings are, and they were real. I wanted to shout “I’ve got a Bachelor’s degree in this, Damnit!” Yeah, I’ve never sounded convincing when I swear. So we’ll go with “Dangit!” You see, not only do I have a passion for kids, babies especially, but I spent 4 years learning about best practice, how to advocate for children with special needs, and how to work with public agencies to access resources. I was one of the top students in my class, and dangit (see, that’s much more Hannah-ish) I’m good at what I do! I know what I know!
All that to say, now that I know that I have this button, how am I going to respond to it next time it gets pushed? Should I respond? To myself, I know I should. There is an insecurity there that has popped up, and I need to know why, and see what God wants to do with it, and how He wants to fill it.
Is it an infertility thing? Maybe. It could very well be tied to the fact that it is because I have not been able to bare a child of my own, I feel like I have to prove my right to be a mother. That, and, because we are foster parents, all the professional people that I seemingly DO have to prove myself to on a continual basis. I know that I have moments of bitterness where I don’t like the fact that I even have to deal with these things. I ask God a lot of hard questions then. I have no problem being very honest and brutal at times, with Him and myself.
So this is where the reflection and ranting need to turn into healing, and getting to know who God has created me to be a little bit better.Ugh.
Blessings!
Hannah
2 Comments
Oh man, do I ever relate! I hate the microscope. I hate the assumption that having no “real” kids of my own I can’t possibly know what to expect from my kids or how to parent them well. It comes from people I wouldn’t expect it from, too.
Tee, so true! I’ve been very blessed to have extremely supportive friends and family, but it still catches me off guard at times.
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