Who is this Hannah person again?
I’m finally starting to feel like the real me.
It is my theory that when you are living in trauma for a really long time, especially when you are required to have extreme self-awareness and self-control during that extended trauma, you start to lose sight of who you really are, because it all becomes a pretending game (AKA “fake it till you make it”).
When I went to the amazing Parenting in SPACE conference back in April, ya’ know, right before my life as I knew it collapsed, I conferred with a number of trauma mamas who turned out to also have a background in theater. It’s a good skill to have, to be able to smile and speak calmly when most “normal” people would be frothing at the mouth. But that skill comes with a curse of possibly losing sight of how you truly feel, or even HOW to feel.
Anywho, the continual trauma, at least within this household, has been greatly reduced recently. J will finally be getting the help he needs, which means he is not here, which means both we and he are safer, which means less trauma, hopefully, for all involved. With less trauma here, plus the addition of a darn cute baby girl, of whom I am unfortunately not able to write a whole lot about, I am healing. With that healing comes a rediscovery of who this now 27-year-old Hannah Rae person is. Even my sweet hubby has remarked a number of times that he’s starting to see “me” again.
So here’s what I’ve discovered so far:
- I love being Aiti (Mommy in Finnish) to a precious little girl. Her eyes make mine cry with happiness, and her laugh makes anything worth while. I could breathe her in all day (who knew?). And instead of dreading the morning hours, I look forward to getting to see her again, and miss her when she is sleeping.
- I love to cook and challenge myself to learn new culinary skills. Now, I’ve known for a long time that I am a good cook, but recently I’ve rediscovered the JOY of being good at making quality, tasty food for those I love. It makes me smile when I get hose MMmmm’s and Yums, especially from my hungry FIL.
- I don’t mind doing dishes.
This was a HUGE discovery, because for YEARS I’ve loathed nothing more. It doesn’t help that we live in house that was built by tiny Finnish people, which means that Hubby (6’5″) and myself (6’1″) have suffered many a backache scrubbing those daily dishes. Well, whether by excessive back exercise, (my fellow trauma mamas may be able to relate) or by sheer will, I can now gleefully do the dishes while I am entertained by “The Cosby Show” or “M*A*S*H” DVD’s that my sweet hubby has blessed me with. I joked with him the other day that he didn’t know that getting me those series as birthday gifts would make his house cleaner, did he? He replied with “What other series would you like, dear?” Ha! I think he’s just concerned that Juji is learning the theme songs a little too well. - I love to laugh and be silly. Okay, I knew this about myself already, but I had forgotten HOW. I had forgotten that it is not only okay, but entirely necessary to be ridiculously silly and let down all guards to just laugh. Now, I did a lot of being silly to help my sons heal, especially during stressful times, but it was an act. I did not enjoy it. It was work. Now, my sister and I can laugh about the silliest of things, just because we want to. Sure, I go through more pairs of underwear, but it is so worth it.
- I am a romantic. Again, I knew this already, but it is such a joy to rediscover this part of myself as my beloved and I get to know each other again and draw closer to each other as friends and lovers during this time of stress and healing. Yes, it is possible for those two entities to coexist.
So this journey takes its twist and turns, far more than I expected to have by this point in my life, but I am starting to see how my Heavenly Father uses them to build true character. I definitely do not like the refiner’s fire at times, but as this new anthem of mine says, He makes all things new….and beautiful.
Blessings!
Hannah
p.s. WHOOHOO! Day 2 of successful blogging consistency! And I came up with this one all on my own!
3 Comments
It’s good to have you back.
It’s good to have you back. Glad things are getting better.
i go through lots of undies when i laugh too.
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