What I didn’t expect
When my daddy died, I expected to feel a lot things.
Sadness.
Gratefulness.
Pain.
Emptyness.
But what I didn’t expect was anxiety and fear.
I’ve been wrecked with it lately, and I have no idea where it’s coming from or what it’s about.
Fear that I am bad mom. Fear that my husband doesn’t truly care about me. Fear that I am bad teacher. Fear that my boss hates me. Anxiety over every little decision.
I want to sleep it all away, but I haven’t been able to sleep much at all.
My husband made the mistake, as I was tossing and turning in bed last night, to ask me what was bothering me. He didn’t just ask, he asked multiple times and didn’t take my “I’m not sure.” as an answer. He insisted I tell him.
So I did.
And it all flooded out.
And we ended up in a bit of a fight, because he has a hard time with irrationality.
Especially since I am not usually irrational.
In fact, it normally takes a lot to make me upset.
So I guess my normally chipper nature is working at a disadvantage right now, because my family is not used to anything else but happy, or mildly serious from me. I suppose an occasional crying fit ensues, but there is usually a very logical explanation, such as a marathon of tantrums or random hormones.
And then today, I did NOT want to go back to work. I love teaching. I love the kids I teach. But the responsibility of doing it RIGHT is so heavy right now.
And then Jeremiah’s teacher gave work for him (which means us) to get done while we were gone, which totally didn’t happen, and it’s mostly my fault because I didn’t have the energy to battle him on it. And now she wants the notebook she sent back, which doesn’t have anything recorded in it. And she gave me more work for him to do. And I am dreading it.
How can I make them understand how hard it is? How can I make them understand how little I care about if he gets his science vocabulary copied, as long as we don’t end up in total meltdown mode?
My head is in a whirlwind.
And the man I could always trust to read this post and give me exactly the encouragement I need….is gone.
Crap.
And I know all the verses about fear. And I know that I am dead to my old self and a new man in Christ, but the peace is not there.
Holding on.
Hannah
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