I might

I might cry a little tonight.

I might dream,

and hope,

and wonder,

and blink because my husband just shined his new high-powered flashlight in my eyes.

I might cuddle Juji a little bit, and kiss her sweet beak.

I might hold my blankey extra tight, and run the corner through my fingers a little longer.

I might need an extra hug or two from my husband,

who is understanding more and more,

and asks me now, since we’ve had a lot of practice recently, if I’m okay and WHEN I am going to break down.

And cry.

And he’s even giving me hope. HOPE.

That maybe he’s anticipating this too.

This dream maybe is no longer just mine.

Hope.

No, really, HOPE!

Blessings!

Hannah

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When your torn

Between

wishing you had never opened your home to “those kids”

and

knowing there is nothing else you would rather do than parent and love on “those kids”

it’s tougher than tough

on your heart.

On my heart.

I realized this evening that I have not been on MARE since September.

Or Spence-Chapin for that matter.

There are two reasons for this.

1. I’ve been so crazy busy that I barely get online to do much of anything. Have you noticed?

2. Well, let’s just say that our recent adventures in parenthood have not exactly inspired my heart to be open to more children…which is a first for me.

A very alien feeling.

NOT wanting more kids.

Not wanting kids PERIOD!

Even the ones I have.

Especially the ones I have.

Thankfully, feelings are just what they are.

And then you get to look behind those feelings, and God has some very interesting things to show you.

Who do you trust? Who do you run to? Who is your true comforter?

No, ladies and gentlemen, it is NOT my precious pink blankey.

So anywho, I looked at the pictures of the waiting kids tonight. I prayed for those that have been there a long time, including my Grace. I prayed for the new ones, especially those with special needs that still…especially…deserve a chance to be loved.

I prayed for my heart…to be healed…to be completely His.

And maybe, even be open to more…if He has them intended for us.

How’s your heart?

Is it His today?

Blessings!

Hannah

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And how it goes

I’m pretty good at this wifey stuff.

Sometimes I’m good at the mama stuff too.

But the wifey stuff, I think I’m getting better at.

Better, as in, has taken 9 years, but I think I am being a pretty decent helpmate and friend to my beloved.

I suppose you can ask him on that.

I like taking care of the home, most of the time.

I like making it look nice, and I like how I feel when my beloved feels comfortable and says that the house looks nice.

I like cooking good food.

I’ve been trying new recipes lately, and I love the feedback I get.

Jeremiah thinks I should be a chef. Yeah. Not so much. But I’m glad he likes my cooking.

I’m not used to working again yet.

I’m so exhausted still.

And Saturdays and Sundays fly by so quickly.

And sleep is so precious.

And I STILL want a baby.

Amazing!

CRAZY!

But we have to let Jeremiah get past this hump first.

Right, Lord?

I have to keep reminding myself that if worse comes to worse, I will only be 32 when Jeremiah graduates high school.

Blessings!

Hannah

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I’m still here

I’m still here,

Somewhere.

Not sure where sometimes.

Sometimes

A lot of times I am in my bed.

I can exist there for a while.

Oh yes, my pillows know me quite well.

Earlier and earlier they feel my presence.

And my tears.

And sometimes….

But not very often lately.

You can sometimes find me in my classroom,

But I disappear there sometimes too.

But when I find myself it’s amazing.

So happy.

And I need happy lately.

I could also use….

Yeah, definitely.

Maybe tomorrow.

Right now, my pillows are calling.

Blessings!

Hannah

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