Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 31, 2010 in
Uncategorized
3 days of good behavior. Not perfect, but amazingly good.
3 days of a little boy just acting like a little boy.
Playing. Eating birthday cake. Playing. Riding bike. Playing. Laughing. Swimming. Going to movies.
Kid stuff.
Normal. Everyday. Kid Stuff.
Wonderful.
Am I naive to think this is the end? No. Definitely not setting myself up for disappointment like that.
But, I am hoping that this is the beginning.
Yes. The beginning would be good.
Here’s to all our children’s beginnings!
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 27, 2010 in
Uncategorized
- Tomorrow, July 28th, is my 26th birthday. Yes. 26.
- My husband is a pessimist, so he (who is also 26) has us at 100 already. You see, we are 26, so we are almost 30, so we are almost 50, so we are almost 100. Get it? Yeah. Me too.
- I am so glad to be home. So so so so so so so so glad to be home. I have missed my wonderful hubby so much, and I have been…ummm….enjoying him thoroughly.
- My friend, Britta, in Germany has informed me that it is already my birthday there. I told her to have some vanilla bean ice cream in my honor.
- Instead of the traditional homemade cake, I opted for a special treat this year. At a silent auction for the school I will be teaching at this fall, I fell in love with an amazing butter cream cake layered with fresh fruit. It was AMAZING! I tracked it down and ordered it for our family celebration tonight. IT WAS INCREDIBLE! So incredible in fact that my hubby suggested doing the same for his birthday next year, only he wants a chocolate one. Can do.
- It does not feel strange turning 26 because I feel like I am catching up to who I really am. I have always acted and looked older than I actually am, so now I feel like I am closer to the real Hannah. It is still quite humorous when people do the math and realize that there is no biological way I could be Gabe’s mother. I love the look on their faces, and so does he.
- I was so blessed to receive 4 amazing CD’s from my beautiful sister, Rachel; the newest albums from Newsboys (with Michael Tait! YAY!), Anberlin, Leeland, and Tenth Avenue North. I am listening to them right now, and loving every minute of it.
- Poor Zoe. There is a summer thunderstorm on its way, and she is not liking it one bit. Poor puppy!
- The one birthday gift I really want is for Jeremiah to have a good day. A really good, no playing games, no manipulation, day, no crazy anger, day.
- MMMmmm. Vanilla bean ice cream.
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 24, 2010 in
Uncategorized
Long trip. Long long long long trip.
I missed my sweetie somethin’ awful.
I didn’t realize how much he missed me until I got home.
HE MISSED ME!!!
HE MISSED ME!!!
And to prove it he kissed me!
It’s very good to be home.
Very very very good.
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 20, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house,
Uncategorized
Yesterday he gave up.
Today he tried. Really REALLY hard.
Yesterday I gave up.
Today I had hope.
Yesterday they disrespected and defied.
Today they listened and followed instructions.
Yesterday I cried and cried and cried.
Today I laughed….not a whole lot, but I did.
Yesterday I mourned over my empty womb.
Today I rejoice with two sisters in Christ who have brought two beautiful daughters into this world.
Today I choose Today!
Blessings!
Hannah
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Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 19, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
Right now
I am not liking being Mom.
Right now
I am not liking my sons
Right now
I want to eat a big bowl of ice cream, but am not, because I am an emotional un-eater.
Right now
I am so angry at so many things and I have no idea who I can vent to that will understand. No. Not even you.
Right now
I am so angry that my stupid womb doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to because then maybe I would have a baby or two in my arms already and I wouldn’t have put myself in the position of being Mom to two very hurt boys.
Right now
I can’t do it anymore.
Right now
I’m hiding in my dad’s room alone. Alone here in Minnesota. No one within 240 miles who would have any idea how to help me.
Right now
I’m glad that it’s sunny outside because that is where my boys will be until they can talk to me the way I deserve, but I’m kinda wishing it were raining so they would be more motivated.
Right now
I’m dreading the next 8 years and wondering if I have the strength to do this every day. Every day. I can’t think of every day.
Right now
I am trying to pray to God about what the heck I can do with these children He has given me, but I don’t know how to hear Him right now.
Right now
I want to lock the doors and take off to town. But I won’t.
No. I don’t want pity. Yes. I do want prayer. No I don’t want “I told you so’s” or “Are you sure you can handle this?” or “Was this really wise?” No. I don’t need that.
Yes. I do want “I’ve been there.” Yes, I do want “God will give you the strength.” And “How can I help?”
Right now, Gabe’s punching bag would be helpful. Or someone with strong ears that won’t bleed.
Blessings! (Of better days than this.)
Hannah
1 hour later
Right now
I am feeling calmer.
I ate the bowl of ice cream, and it was good.
Gabe is calm. Apologized. Eating spaghetti.
Jeremiah is not calm. Nor am I counting on him calming anytime before Thursday.
I just won wheel of fortune in my room.
I’m talking to Christine. We are comparing our sucky days.
4 Hours Later
Christine and I chatted for 2 hours. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. Mourning so many things. Realizing I am not alone.
I avoided my youngest at all cost, but ended up having to deal with him any way after he jumped out the window….again.
I lost it. Didn’t want to. Not in front of him. Shouldn’t have, probably, but right now I don’t see how it could have been avoided.
Either he understands a little better, or he is just pretending and setting up his next plan.
Right now I’m feeling horrible for feeling that way about my son.
But he did show me where he hid the keys…that he thought were house keys but really weren’t.
Sneaky.
But right now I am just glad to know that someone I admire greatly has been through these feelings too. And survived.
Survived.
And Gabe apologized AGAIN! That’s a good thing. Amazing thing.
I want Hubby. Even worse than my baby blankie.
Oh! Niacin! Totally picking some up tomorrow.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, infertility, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 17, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
- It’s been rough. I’m frustrated because I feel like all I’ve been able to write about lately is how rough it’s been. I’m having trouble remembering the amazing good things that really do go on because the trauma of the….traumatic things seem to wash them out of my brain. I apologize for that. You see, not wanting to come off as a whiner has made me fearful of writing anything…so I don’t. I don’t like that.
- In response to the above, as well as my husband’s prodding to develop and utilize my creative writing gifts, I am setting a personal goal for myself to write at least 2 short stories a week. I will try to share as many as those as I can. I recently came upon some old stories and poems that I penned in high school. I think it would be fun to share those as well.
- As a birthday present, my amazingly gifted geek (aka Hubby) is helping me fix some of these blog bugs that I am frustrated with. The biggest issues that I want to fix are:
- Being able to link series’ of posts together is currently very cumbersome. I want it to be easy to follow story lines and find answers to questions that fall under specific topics.
- I need a better way to display and organize my short stories in safe ways.
- I want the blog to look a lot more friendly and Hannah-ish.
- Suggestions?
- The boys and I still have a week left in Minnesota. It’s been an adventure….hence the “Without Daddy Adventures.” We had a bonfire tonight since it was the first night sense we’ve been here without massive westward winds. After some sausage mishaps, I finally had the light bulb moment to use the cast iron skillet my papa got at an estate auction last year. YAY! It worked wonderfully.
- I’ve really been enjoying Lauraine Snelling’s Red River series lately. I love historical fiction, especially that era. Plus that series, as well as many of her other books, are about people with Norwegian ancestry, of which I am. Something about the late 1800′s on the prairie fascinates me. I think I would have made a good pioneer woman. I’ve definitely got the hips for it. Although it would definitely be harder to be an infertile woman in that era, but I often wonder if that would have been an issue for me without all these environmental contributors that we have today. Wow! That could totally turn into another post.
- It’s Hubby’s and my marriage anniversary today. No, not that one. Nope, not that one either. Yes! That one! The first one! The real one! We were so young, and “stupid” as my hubby said earlier today, but we’ve made it! And we are so glad that we’ve come this far. We’re stronger now than I ever imagined. He’s my love.
- Goodness sakes I miss his smell right now.
- Oh! Like I said, we had a bonfire tonight, but I totally didn’t take any pictures. I’ve been finding out lately I’m very bad at that part of mommy-ing because I am usually way to caught up in the moment to think of grabbing the camera until it’s over and I realize I would have really liked pictures. Oh well.
- Did I mention I love my husband? Like LOTS! And I miss him so crazy much it literrally aches, especially today. I am in desperate need of some lovin’. I’m used to like a bazillion hugs and kisses a day, and the most affection I’ve been getting lately is from my bird.
- God has really been pulling me into Him lately for all the reasons above. So many things wrecking me day and night. I just wish I could discipline myself to hide in Him more. Learning.
- Oh! Last but not least…I need comments! Like seriously! I know that more people than my dad and friends Amanda and Christine read my blog, so PLEASE let me know you are there. If you read a post and don’t have anything to say, that’s fine. At least say “Hey! I read your blog!” K? K.
TTFN
Tah tah for now!
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, blogging, family fun, marriage, parenting, The SAHM Adventure
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 15, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
Saturday night at about 10:00 PM, my dad, step-mom, lil’ sister, sons and I left for the Minneapolis air port. I knew that we were expecting to get to the air port at about 4:30 AM, so I had called our hotel to see if we could get an early check-in, like 6 AM. Nope. Not happenin’. The gal I spoke to told me she couldn’t guarantee me anything from another person’s shift, and that I would need to call the person on shift at the time, but that the earliest we would probably be able to check in would be 10 or 11. Ugh. Not good.
So…we get to the airport at 3:00 AM. A whole hour earlier than anticipated. I was wired the whole drive and couldn’t get any sleep, which is unusual for me. Anywho, after dropping the parentals and sister off, we easily found our way to our hotel. It was big…like tall. I’ve never stayed in a hotel that tall before.
Anywho, the guy at the front desk was lounging in a chair and came to the door to meet me. I explained to him our situation, how I had been up all night, and how we had booked a room but didn’t anticipate getting here this early etc…At first Peter (I always try to learn names) said that they were completely full, but then noticed that we had booked a suite, that we were Elite members (thank you to Hubby’s business trips) and that we were using points to pay for our suite. He told me there was nothing he could do because we were already into the next business day. I calmly and politely asked him to please check again. He found out that he actually had a suite available, but he would have to charge me the Saturday rate (which was a lot). I told him that it wasn’t really acceptable to pay that much just because I couldn’t use my points, especially since it was already 3:30.
Anywho, after calling the Elite line, and few more pleases and thank yous a yes sirs, Peter said that he could charge us for 1/2 night’s stay, which came out to $5 more than what we would pay with points…and we would keep our points. YAY! I thanked Peter immensely and told him what a huge help he was.
So at 3:30 AM, the boys and I had a place to sleep. And sleep we did. And as we said our good nights (in the early morning) I reminded the boys how we got the room. I didn’t yell, scream, and make a scene, I simply let the man know our needs and was polite, assertive, and more polite.
Every time they see this, I hope it sinks in a little more. I hope that I am not only showing Christ’s love to the strangers I encounter, but my sons as well.
Blessings! (To you especially, Peter)
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Being set apart, family fun
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 12, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
So the boys and I are officially on our own in Northern MN for the next 10 days. We dropped the parentals and lil’ sis off at the Minneapolis airport early Sunday morning after driving through the night. Now we are back up north, enjoying the quit.
But….
The past the days have been full of all kinds of stories. Here are the highlights that I will do my best to expand upon.
- If you are kind and polite, even at 3:30 PM, people will do their best, even go out of their way to help you. This is a lesson I want my boys to see over and over and over again.
- The Mall of America is not nearly as intimidating as I remember.
- Blessing my boys with fun times with mama unconditionally was totally and completely AMAZING! BUT Jeremiah can not handle good things YET (I say with hope), and I definitely paid for it later.
- Beating my boys, especially Gabe, at cards is SO MUCH FUN!!!!
- Gabe will never be a taxi driver or professional navigator. But we got our pizza eventually.
- A friendly Israeli + Dead Sea salt scrub + 2 boys + ADHD = A mama nearly peeing her pants laughing. (“MOM! MY HANDS HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS SOFT!!!”)
- Even Jerome gets sick of pizza eventually.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: behavior challenges, family fun, parenting, RAD
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jul 7, 2010 in
Life in the Stubborn house
Well, let’s see.
2 boys with attachment issues + 2 weeks with Mom – Dad = Yeah…..
We are leaving tomorrow for 2 weeks house-sitting for my daddy. Hubby is not able to come with. Both boys have been very Hubby-needy lately regardless of the trip. Jeremiah especially has been trying to sabotage all day. For the moment, we’ve got things somewhat regulated and the fears and lies called out for what they are. It will be a long night. It will be a long two weeks. Praying that I’m wrong. Praying for wisdom and patience.
It’s hot. I’m hormonal and missing my hubby. Praying for patience and grace. Even hoping for JOY!
Still no date for Jeremiah. Urgh.
Blessings!
Hannah
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, family fun, marriage, parenting, prayer, RAD, The SAHM Adventure
