Stream of consciousness

My heart is feeling flustered. Not sure what is going on. Worry. Fear. Not feeling good enough Mom-wise.

Things are so hard, and I am having such a hard time not destroying myself with every bit of guilt when I don’t measure up to perfect. I’m so  worried that someone is going to find me out. That some agency is going to show up on my doorstep and say that I don’t cut it and take my boys away.

Got Gabe’s DOC approved today. YAY! One step closer.

Nothing on Jeremiah yet.

That’s so frustrating. What’s going to happen? If Gabe’s day comes first, how will Miah handle that? More torture. More tantrums. Ick.

Icky Ick.

Still praying.

I need some heart peace.

A few hours later…

Had a good talk with Jeremiah. He used my shoulder to cry on. He was feeling hurt, and he chose to come to me. That felt good. It felt right. Holding him on my lap always feels right.

Don’t know what to do with Gabe. I can’t hold him on my lap, or rather I would feel uncomfortable doing so. Sometimes the realization that he is not quite 9 years younger than me washes over me. It has no effect on my authority, it’s just easier for me to be the affectionate mommy with Miah, my little boy. Gabe feels it, the disconnection, I know he does. He’s fightin’ the connection, and I have no idea how to encourage it.

I can’t believe he’s going to be 17 this week.

I was almost exactly his age…when I got married. Freaky.

I have a hard time reconciling that reality with the reality that is my 12 year old son in a 17 year old body. Does. Not. Compute.

I love Gabe. I am dedicated to him. I just don’t know how to connect with him. I don’t know how to love on him.

ideas?

Blessings!

Hannah

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One step closer to finally

Got a call from our adoption worker 3 1/2 this morning. She’s the one really handling the paper work stuff, but not the one that came to visit last week.

She told me that Gabe’s adoption consent had been approved by the MCI (Michigan Children’s Institute). YAY!

No consent for Jeremiah yet. Boo! He’s tribal though, so it has a few more hands to go through.

So now we wait for subsidy approval. That’s the last boundary between us, our kids,  and forever.

Apparently our paper work for the subsidy stuff was submitted on January 11th, and it typically takes 2 months, so after the 11th of this month, AW3.5 (Get it? ) will be bugging who ever needs to be bugged.

Please pray that this is resolved quickly. Gabe is especially anxious about this being complete and has been having panic attacks related to it. Please pray that both boys will feel God’s closeness during this time of waiting. Please pray that we will have 1 adoption day and that Jeremiah’s paper work comes through soon enough to make that possible.

One step closer.

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This is

Hard,

but worth it.

Jeremiah stole again. The same thing he always steals, but he crossed a boundary this time…our bedroom door. Not. Cool. He honestly didn’t think he’d get caught…..for the (not exaggerating) 20th+ time.

I lost my temper.

Hubby lost his temper.

Jeremiah was terrified.

We were too.

Could we do this? Really? For another 9 years?

We apologized. He apologized. We forgave each other.

I told him again what he needs to hear. I love him. No. Matter. What. He did the lie detector test on me. He believed me, for now.

His adoption fears are overwhelming him, simply because he doesn’t understand what it means, really. He also believes he doesn’t deserve it, or that we aren’t the right family. The finality freaks him out, because it’s not here yet. We still don’t have a date.

Daddy held him. Stroked his head. Whispered love into him.

Mommy tucked him in. Whispered prayers, desperate prayers, over him.

He slept.

And we had a great day today. That kind of scares me. Does the good have to be precursed by the bad?

Gabe was grumpy this morning. I joked with the boys that they had a secret meeting and decided that it was Gabe’s turn to be grumpy and disrespectful. Jeremiah said that they held the secret meeting in their dreams. I thought that was creative.

Thank you for your prayers. Keep them coming. And if you see me in Wal-Ma*t, give me a hug.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, faith, marriage, parenting, RAD, the hard stuff