Stream of consciousness
My heart is feeling flustered. Not sure what is going on. Worry. Fear. Not feeling good enough Mom-wise.
Things are so hard, and I am having such a hard time not destroying myself with every bit of guilt when I don’t measure up to perfect. I’m so worried that someone is going to find me out. That some agency is going to show up on my doorstep and say that I don’t cut it and take my boys away.
Got Gabe’s DOC approved today. YAY! One step closer.
Nothing on Jeremiah yet.
That’s so frustrating. What’s going to happen? If Gabe’s day comes first, how will Miah handle that? More torture. More tantrums. Ick.
Icky Ick.
Still praying.
I need some heart peace.
A few hours later…
Had a good talk with Jeremiah. He used my shoulder to cry on. He was feeling hurt, and he chose to come to me. That felt good. It felt right. Holding him on my lap always feels right.
Don’t know what to do with Gabe. I can’t hold him on my lap, or rather I would feel uncomfortable doing so. Sometimes the realization that he is not quite 9 years younger than me washes over me. It has no effect on my authority, it’s just easier for me to be the affectionate mommy with Miah, my little boy. Gabe feels it, the disconnection, I know he does. He’s fightin’ the connection, and I have no idea how to encourage it.
I can’t believe he’s going to be 17 this week.
I was almost exactly his age…when I got married. Freaky.
I have a hard time reconciling that reality with the reality that is my 12 year old son in a 17 year old body. Does. Not. Compute.
I love Gabe. I am dedicated to him. I just don’t know how to connect with him. I don’t know how to love on him.
ideas?
Blessings!
Hannah
5 Comments
I have a tough time with that with how to show affection with TTops as well, being that she is almost 15…I wish I had some pearls of great wisdom…but I need them, too. Hang in there.
The connection that you are going to have with these boys is going to be different. If you had raised Gabe from a baby, by age 16 he still would probably not want to sit on your lap and be held. You are VERY much a physical touch love language type person, and I know that is how you can best feel taht love at connections, but Gabe’s language is different. He might not even realize what that language is yet. Finding that out might be a key to finding the connection you are seeking.
However, it is important to remember that parents have been trying to connect with teenagers from the beginning of time. I think you do a job better than you know. Look back at your posts, you are spending quality time with them and warring over him with prayer like any other mother of a 16 year old would, if not better.
Even when you don’t feel that connection it is important to remember it is there and it is growning everyday. *hug*
Ask him if he wants to sit in your lap – absolutely.
He may be okay sitting on the edge of the sofa, very near to you, with his legs across your lap – eye contact.
Let him lay his head in your lap and look up at you.
And, sweet, sweet friend – YOU HAVE TO REALIZE YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB! He is 17. There is nothing about his age and his issues that will look at feel normal. It shouldn’t. It can’t.
It’s a “new normal,” and OH MY COW, are you good at it. Good at it because you just do it, and on the hard days when you can’t just do it you find a holding pattern.
If you’re waiting to “feel” it, then you’re waiting on a purple unicorn.
YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hannah))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Bless your heart. I want you to know that I have so much respect for you, and I am so proud of the wonderful job you are doing with the boys. You have a mother’s heart. The greatest thing you can do for your boys is to be you. God brought them into your life (and you into theirs!) for a reason.
I don’t know the first thing about adoption, or how to bridge the gaps that adoption causes. I wish I could give you a great idea for how to connect with Gabe. I can’t…but I can certainly pray. And I will. I trust that God will bring you to a moment where some small but spectacular melding will happen, and your heart will soar, and you’ll think, “That’s it!”
In the meantime, maybe it’s not applicable (again, I know basically nothing about adoption or Gabe’s needs)…but have you read The Five Love Languages? I am wondering if it might help if you could identify Gabe’s language. Or maybe you already have. I just wanted to suggest it, because…well…I want you to be encouraged to find the right path with Gabe.
I love you, Hannah…and your beautiful family. I may not comment regularly on your blog, but I pray for you regularly, and I believe in God’s hand upon your household. Keep trusting in His plan. Keep working through it all, even when you are tired or numb or frustrated. And keep sharing your heart…it gives us a glimpse of God’s love for us, as His adopted sons and daughters!
Pax…Peace of Christ to you!
good question girl… legs on the lap is much cooler at 17, it’s contact and affection, but grown up style. Maybe feet to feet on da couch… if it’s long enough or on the floor… maybe a small room where both of you can have backs to the wall and feet together… it’ll be your thing. I love how they are getting to know who they are. you’re doing a “Jesus called, appointed, and equipped me for this” kinda job!! Amen.
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