Stream of consciousness
My heart is feeling flustered. Not sure what is going on. Worry. Fear. Not feeling good enough Mom-wise.
Things are so hard, and I am having such a hard time not destroying myself with every bit of guilt when I don’t measure up to perfect. I’m so worried that someone is going to find me out. That some agency is going to show up on my doorstep and say that I don’t cut it and take my boys away.
Got Gabe’s DOC approved today. YAY! One step closer.
Nothing on Jeremiah yet.
That’s so frustrating. What’s going to happen? If Gabe’s day comes first, how will Miah handle that? More torture. More tantrums. Ick.
Icky Ick.
Still praying.
I need some heart peace.
A few hours later…
Had a good talk with Jeremiah. He used my shoulder to cry on. He was feeling hurt, and he chose to come to me. That felt good. It felt right. Holding him on my lap always feels right.
Don’t know what to do with Gabe. I can’t hold him on my lap, or rather I would feel uncomfortable doing so. Sometimes the realization that he is not quite 9 years younger than me washes over me. It has no effect on my authority, it’s just easier for me to be the affectionate mommy with Miah, my little boy. Gabe feels it, the disconnection, I know he does. He’s fightin’ the connection, and I have no idea how to encourage it.
I can’t believe he’s going to be 17 this week.
I was almost exactly his age…when I got married. Freaky.
I have a hard time reconciling that reality with the reality that is my 12 year old son in a 17 year old body. Does. Not. Compute.
I love Gabe. I am dedicated to him. I just don’t know how to connect with him. I don’t know how to love on him.
ideas?
Blessings!
Hannah
