Rocky had never, ever shown the kind of rage and anger I experienced a few months in to him joining our family. In his previous placements, he didn’t have to connect fully. I was the first person to really get in there and cause his heart to start to love in a way which took faith and vulnerability.

And he freaked.

And his manifested as anger and appearing as scary as possible.

Michael never did see the worst of it. All for me. He got glimpses, but being the main caregiver, I was the biggest threat.

Hang tough, my friend. Stay in there, stay regulated, and prove to him over and over and over again that you can be trusted. Hind sight, I think there was a full six weeks where Rocky was never actually regulated fully. But he did pull out. He did start to TRY to trust (meaning – NOT freaking out or screaming or threatening or, or, or …). I would also, in the calmer moments, say things to address the shame, “Sweetheart, I love being your mom, and I know right now it helps you to say those things – because you don’t want to be close (notice how you avoid saying, “I know you’re afraid” which may trigger more raging – it would with Rocky in the beginning.). I’m not going anywhere. Try me. See if I’m still here in the morning. See if I still have a smile and a hug for you. Find out. This is YOUR home. This is YOUR family. I am YOUR mom. It’s all yours, and you deserve it. I know you’re trying to find out if we really are what we say we are. That’s cool with me. I’m pretty sure I’d do the same thing. You are one very smart kid.”

Some of the best times of regulation we have had is when I just start talking about how smart they are to use these behaviors. I mean, really, they are quite effective survival tools. How long has he lived with hurt and pain and rejection compared to how long he has lived with you? No comparison. He’s making sure he can survive … JUST in case. Brilliant. Tell him that. Praise him for figuring out how to test the people around him so he doesn’t get hurt again. He’s probably already in that cycle of shame, but he’s so afraid he doesn’t want to stop. So, give him a free pass and an out … if only for that moment.

Remember, when they are dysregulated, the words that come out of their mouth are ALWAYS a cover-up. Always. They’re in fight/flight/freeze mode. They will not state genuine feelings during those times. They just can’t. What they say will give you a clue as to what they’re feeling (sounds like in his situation, his brother has become a trauma trigger for him – combined with HIM feeling vulnerable b/c you may turn on Jeremiah … which means you’ll then turn on him).

Praise his resourcefulness. It will feel WEIRD to do that, but try it and see if helps to add a little more calm to his heart.