Pushin’ Through and Pizza
It’s been a very tough few days.
Jeremiah has been tantruming at levels of anger I have never seen before. And it’s all directed at me. His anger and viciousness, especially with his words, have really shocked me.
I am so thankful that our Nancy Thomas DVD’s came in at the beginning of the month, cuz they have really helped. Without them, I think I would have felt completely helpless.
I must say that I did fairly well. I did not lose my temper, did not yell, did not physically lose control, stayed in presence of mind, spoke to him softly with as much love and sincerity that I could muster.
Wednesday, the rage resulted in a game of hide and seek, outside and in, that resulted in a handsome, but naive, State Trooper in our home giving Miah a serious talking too….that did nothing. The rage continued for over an hour after he left. Miah eventually calmed, but never regulated. Even at bed time he was still doing his best to show me that he was in control and that he would disrespect me as long as he pleased. He was not successful in that endeavor.
Yesterday, I was tired. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before and needed the morning to spend with two of my best friends and their precious little ones. I needed it so badly. They spoke into my heart, and I left feeling full.
Which was good, cuz soon I would be empty again.
The rage started about 4, after our new (#3) adoption worker came and left. Apparently he didn’t get enough of her attention and decided it was my fault.
He calmed for about an hour, which seems to be a pattern, but he was never really regulated. He started right up again as soon as he got an instruction he didn’t care for. He’d had enough of Mama.
After 2 more hours of raging I needed some help, and Hubby was on his way home from A Town. I called a friend who has worked with Miah before, and is thankfully only a couple of minutes away. She came and hung out while I got some water and mindlessly played my addiction game while praying for wisdom…and for Hubby to get home soon.
He did.
He rescued me.
He told Miah in no uncertain terms that this kind of disrespect of Mama would NOT be tolerated.
He stood up for me in a way that I couldn’t do myself. And it made all the difference…to me. We’ll see what happens with Miah today. Hubby wants him to rage today, just to try it when Dad is around. I doubt it will happen.
Now, the question I get a lot is “Why is Miah doing this?” Excellent question. We broke it down into percentages last night, and it goes something like this:
-10% Trying to prove that Mom and Dad love him no matter what. Or rather, trying to prove that we are going to give up on him.
-90% Trying to make us pay when Jeremiah does not get what he wants, because he wants to do what he wants to do. Those are his words.
That’s all we know.
Today is a new day.
And I just got a call from the florist. Hubby is sending me flowers. 
Blessings!
Hannah
I would add 158% he is starting to connect and bond and feel and it is really, really, really, really scary and uncomfortable and it is making him feel terrified and out of control (because what if you leave/hurt him like everyone else?).
Rocky had never, ever shown the kind of rage and anger I experienced a few months in to him joining our family. In his previous placements, he didn’t have to connect fully. I was the first person to really get in there and cause his heart to start to love in a way which took faith and vulnerability.
And he freaked.
And his manifested as anger and appearing as scary as possible.
Michael never did see the worst of it. All for me. He got glimpses, but being the main caregiver, I was the biggest threat.
Hang tough, my friend. Stay in there, stay regulated, and prove to him over and over and over again that you can be trusted. Hind sight, I think there was a full six weeks where Rocky was never actually regulated fully. But he did pull out. He did start to TRY to trust (meaning – NOT freaking out or screaming or threatening or, or, or …). I would also, in the calmer moments, say things to address the shame, “Sweetheart, I love being your mom, and I know right now it helps you to say those things – because you don’t want to be close (notice how you avoid saying, “I know you’re afraid” which may trigger more raging – it would with Rocky in the beginning.). I’m not going anywhere. Try me. See if I’m still here in the morning. See if I still have a smile and a hug for you. Find out. This is YOUR home. This is YOUR family. I am YOUR mom. It’s all yours, and you deserve it. I know you’re trying to find out if we really are what we say we are. That’s cool with me. I’m pretty sure I’d do the same thing. You are one very smart kid.”
Some of the best times of regulation we have had is when I just start talking about how smart they are to use these behaviors. I mean, really, they are quite effective survival tools. How long has he lived with hurt and pain and rejection compared to how long he has lived with you? No comparison. He’s making sure he can survive … JUST in case. Brilliant. Tell him that. Praise him for figuring out how to test the people around him so he doesn’t get hurt again. He’s probably already in that cycle of shame, but he’s so afraid he doesn’t want to stop. So, give him a free pass and an out … if only for that moment.
Remember, when they are dysregulated, the words that come out of their mouth are ALWAYS a cover-up. Always. They’re in fight/flight/freeze mode. They will not state genuine feelings during those times. They just can’t. What they say will give you a clue as to what they’re feeling (sounds like in his situation, his brother has become a trauma trigger for him – combined with HIM feeling vulnerable b/c you may turn on Jeremiah … which means you’ll then turn on him).
Praise his resourcefulness. It will feel WEIRD to do that, but try it and see if helps to add a little more calm to his heart.
I like that. Praising his resourcefulness. I can do that. Our adoption worker thought it was funny that I was laughing while telling her about all of this.
If this bonds you and your hubby (the flower-sending one!)then you can see an immediate positive benefit. If you laugh because you know that your son’s accusations are NOT true, then there is another gain. I grieve that you are going through such trauma, but my gut says that Christine is correct…. you are getting to the core of his fear-based survival tactics. No more fooling around… he is bringing out the “big guns.” Those weapons can only hurt you if you believe that they are real (sort of like MATRIX). I will be praying for your courage, wisdom and rest. Love, Your Daddy