The Bad Mom’s Club

I was reading through my blog reader and came across this post by another fantastically bad mom. I realized, as I was leaving an incredibly comment on her post, that she touched on a nerve that I will now blog about. Thanks Queen Mommy!

Things have been tough lately. Both boys are experiencing family and safety, which for them is very scary and threatening. Both boys are reacting in extremely different ways, both equally unhealthy, but entirely different.

Gabe has become very inclusive. He goes from being extremely depressed one day to crazy hyper and immature the next…and no, he is not bipolar or manic depressive. He chooses this behavior, very carefully. On the depressive days, we take notice and pry into those areas that he does not want to visit, we ask a lot of questions to try to get him to open up and this, of coarse, is very uncomfortable for him. Therefore, the next day he goes into overly hyper, happy mode. His normally 16-year-old self becomes very 12-year-old like. His entire purpose is to distract us from the issues, but unfortunately this does not work and we pry even more. We were on the depressive part of the this cycle today. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Bad mom club qualification #1: I suck at talking to my teenage son. I feel very inadequate in my interactions with Gabe. He doesn’t open up to me, and although I know that not everyone is as verbal as I am, my husband can get him to open up much quicker. This has to do with his mom issues, I know, but when hubby person is gone, SOMEONE has to be able to give this child the comfort he needs, and I hate it that he can’t accept it from me. His pursed lips and big eyes make me want to scream at him “Just get mad already! Tell me to eff off, or go to hell or SOMETHING!”  I told him the other day that this is a safe place to get angry. He basically told me he doesn’t believe there is such a thing.

Now….Jeremiah.

His trauma is becoming more and more apparent in explosive ways. I figured out a new trick today to counteract how he tenses his body up when he is feeling threatened, so that helped, but I am feeling worn. Hubby person got a good taste today of what my week from hell was like while he was gone. Even the things I just laugh at and redirect were getting under his skin, so I feel more understood now. It’s so hard not to go into controlling, authoritarion mode when you have a little child who is doing everything in his power to remain in power.

Bad Mom Club qualification #2: I am rediscovering my temper that I thought had died when I was a teenager. He has needed to be restrained multiple times lately in order to keep him from hurting himself, and it is very difficult to not use my size and strength to make it a very uncomfortable experience.  Thankfully, I am very aware of what I am doing and try to take breaks as needed, but when I was alone for that whole week, and we had a day that ended with 4 pretty serious restraints,  AHHHHH.  Okay, I did successfully catch on to the game last night BEFORE we got into the Jeremiah “I am going to MAKE you restrain me so I can get the 1 on 1 attention that I don’t know how to ask for” game. We did. YAY!  It was truly a grace of God moment.

And what do I do to help these boys get over their trauma? WHAT? They know I love them, well, they hear it, and they say it back. They are well taken care of…fed….clothed etc….I pray WITH them, pray OVER them, pray FOR them.

Therapy? Oh, we would LOVE to have our boys in therapy. I read about all these other bad moms who take their traumatized children to therapy once a week or more, and I totally covet them. However, we are in a very difficult place, literally. Where we are geographically located is a therapist desert. For goodness sakes, the closest child psychologist is 3 frickin’ hours away! Also, the agency we are currently associated with is requiring that all therapy be taken care of in house. One problem. THEY DON’T HAVE ANY THERAPISTS ON STAFF!!! Hence our wonderful (and I truly mean that) social worker who is able to come out 3 times a month and spend an hour or two with our family. That is the only counseling they/we get. ACK!

So that’s it, I guess. That’s my rant. I am totally, completely dedicated to loving these boys through their trauma, but I need some help here!

During one of the worst Jeremiah tantrums last week, I had a mini trantrum of my own. When I came downstairs, Gabe asked if I was okay.

“Oh, not really.” I said through the tears, ” I just have two very hurt boys, and it makes me so mad that I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

I love you, my precious sons. You are worth every tear I cry. I am believing for your complete and total healing, in Jesus’ name. In the meantime, thank you for putting up with such an imperfect mom.

Blessings!

Hannah

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