Getting rid of the Gimmes
What’s with foster kids and stuff?
Both of my boys have a huge case of the gimmes! Especially Jeremiah. Neither have a good sense of money, which I can understand, but what’s with all the materialism crap?
I understand the psychology behind it, I suppose, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me. Jeremiah talks constantly about things he was given and how expensive they are. During a time of being corrected, he even said that he doesn’t want to live here because we didn’t buy him enough for his birthday. At this point I am dreading Christmas because our agency has a program call operation cheer that will get the boys a bunch of presents they don’t need, and we are going to have to decide what to do with all of it. Kaleb’s response to that was, “Why are they giving them stuff? That’s MY responsibility.”
So, any suggestions? How have you handled rampant materialism in your families? How do you handle charity situations?
Blessings!
Hannah
5 Comments
I taught my kids about consumerism and we call commercials, advertisements, and TV in general “Fake Life”…so when somebody says, “I want that” someone else either shouts out “consumerism” or “fake life!” It is hilarious and it worked for my kids! All of my kids were AWFUL when they came about materialistic things but not anymore. We also have them earn money to buy their own stuff and we all do things for others (volunteering) on a regular basis…PLUS, if the kids get a bunch of new stuff for their birthday or Christmas, they are required to give things that they don’t play with anymore away so they will have room. Works for us. But it takes a while.
OHHHHH my goodness, did my kids come to me with a massive sense of entitlement. It is very, very common, very, very annoying, and even understanding WHY they do it, it makes very, very little sense to the parent who has to listen to it ad nauseam.
We budget $75 for each kids’ birthday. Period. They are the ones who get to decide how it is spent. They can ask for cash and buy what they want (some save their allowance and combine it all to buy something more expensive). They can ask for a $75 gift. One kid spent it on a hotel room and his dad spent the night with he and two friends while they swam and played video games. One kid took one friend to Build-a-Bear. I always make a cake – whatever kind they want. But the gifts/party, THEY have to budget. It has been a great teacher of the value of money and how quickly it is gone.
We do the exact same thing at Christmas. We spend the same on each child. Then, it is usually around $100. Period. Finito. Yes, they get extra junk from grandparents and other relatives. That’s fine. We just let that happen. However, because we know this will happen, we budget ours tightly (and realistically). Two years ago, we told the kids a lower figure for Christmas, and took a little bit from each child’s budget to buy a Wii for the family. We let them know that the Christmas amount varies from year to year (because sometimes my husband would receive a bonus and we might be able to go up a bit). I pick up some tiny things through the year for stockings.
Then, once gifts are open, we play a game together or something – emphasizing family and having a holiday together without work or school.
And then I never, ever forget to use my Love & Logic phrases when I’m reminded what an uncaring scrooge I am. “Yeah, I no.” “That really stinks.” “Uh huh.” “That must be really hard for you.”
Now for the light at the end of the tunnel – it is almost completely gone now. My two newest now sit around with their siblings the day AFTER birthday/Christmas and start planning how they could save their allowance to add to holiday money and how they would spend it. It’s all on them now. No more blaming Mom and Dad for not cashing in the farm so they can have an X box.
Great ideas.
Thanks so much for the detailed tips. I like the idea of making the kids accountable and giving THEM the responsibility for deciding how their holiday money is spent.
Our first Christmas together was after only one month of living with us. Everyone (including our nieces and nephew who were visiting) got similar gifts so it was harder for them to say, “you love him more” or “I didn’t get enough.” We have 2 bio and 2 adopted kids so fairness was/is a big thing, but also makes things easier because they are comparing what they got to family and not rich friends.
We go with the “Baby Jesus only got 3 gifts,” but with a twist. Each gift might be one big thing, or it might be many small things but all based on a theme and all wrapped together. I tend to shop at thrift stores year round so sometimes finding a theme for all the odds and ends is not so easy.
For example, one theme that first year was school. The three younger kids were all going to start private school that year so they all got magazine holders I’d decorated with stickers and their names to hold their workbooks, and depending on their interests I filled the holders with “school” stuff. One child was into art so he got sketch books, colored pencils, and a book on how to draw. Some kids got “cool” school supplies (folders with pictures on them instead of plain, glittery pencils and pen sets with matching staplers and rulers… fun stuff). All got fun books in whatever genre they liked. (It was a very heavy gift!)
Last year the gifts had clues written on them. “Here there be dragons” for my son who was into dragons (a dragon kite, a pair of boxers and jeans with dragons on them, and a pretty gold dragon bank). “Pretty as a picture” (an inexpensive digital camera, some photo paper, a photo album, and a flowery purse for the camera to go in). I can’t think of any of the others. It was fun for them to try to guess.
We try to have one of the three gifts be a big gift (something a little more expensive that they really wanted or needed – a bike, a “new” bed we’d picked up at a thrift store with pretty bedding, contact lenses, an MP3). Again, we tried to make it something they really wanted, but in general keep it equal. Boys didn’t get makeup, only kids who needed a bike got one, but if one child got an MP3 they all did. Santa still comes to our house, but he doesn’t get to bring gifts that are better than the parent’s big gift (when dealing with kids with attachment issues why give him all the credit?!).
For us the focus isn’t on how much things cost. I think the most envied gift last Christmas was a $6 box of do it at home hair highlights that one daughter got and the other didn’t (luckily that daughter very sweetly shared!). One daughter got a very expensive gift of makeup because she was finally starting to focus on her appearance, but to her it “felt” smaller than her sister’s gift (which included the highlights) so she was unhappy.
By limiting the gifts to three we take their mind off the number of gifts (I remember counting gifts with my sisters – it didn’t matter how expensive what was inside the number had to be equal!). It isn’t how thoughtful and perfect the gifts are (at least not for my RAD kids who’ll forget all about what they got the next day). For my kids it just has to feel fair.
I think the kids do feel gypped sometimes, but as I said we do our best. We also shop almost exclusively at thrift stores so I can afford to let them have a little more than I would if we were shopping say at a mall. When the toy is $.20 instead of $20 you can be a lot more generous.
Mary in Texas
I would definitely incorporate a “giving” opportunity, especially with Christmas. One of the best cures for the “gimmes” is to have the privilege of giving something away to someone else. I like what one commentator mentioned about the sense of entitlement… we see that here with certain groups. It is a hard mindset to break.
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