Home

I’m home.

Today was my last day in the workforce, at least for a while.

It’s weird how God works behind the scenes when we have no idea.

I posted a long while ago about how my heart was torn between staying in the workforce and pursuing being a stay at home mom, or home manager. (I would love to like to it, but I am having major linking issues that I will hopefully be able to figure out. ARGHH)

At that time my heart was really conflicted, especially since Kaleb was not comfortable at that time with the idea of me staying home.

Well, things have changed.

I was laid off, effective today, due to the effects of Michigan’s failing economy, so I am basically being sent home, but still get a paycheck due to unemployment. Go figure. Our boys are really struggling right now due to school stress, and the trauma we’ve endured as a family with Grandma Helen’s death. They are both acting out in their own ways and need a lot more one on one attention than we have seen before. Hubby person is going to be doing some traveling this month and was really worried about Gabe’s behavior regressing. Hubby person has also been contracted by a major clothing designer to do some consistent website work, which will basically replace my lost income plus some, at least for the time being.

All of these factors make my being a new stay at home mom not only a possibility, but a reality we might actually benefit from. We don’t know if it’s just for a season, or if I won’t go back to work for a very long time, but for now we have total peace, and even joy, about my stickin’ around the homestead.

I actually love doing domestic-type things, and am really excited about the opportunity to explore that part of my womanhood more. I am already planning out a cleaning/organizing schedule for myself, as well as planning fun little projects to keep myself occupied and free from depression. (i.e. learning to knit something other than washcloths, working on the boys’ life books, giving this blog some bling)  We can’t home school the boys right now, and I wouldn’t want to until we had a clear “Yes” from the Lord that I would be home more long term, so that is not something I will be dealing with right away. I am also really excited about getting some walking in with the poochies before we start to see the four letter white stuff, which could be within just a few weeks.

Anywho, I’m in for an adventure. I am excited to join, what I consider, the very prestigious club of stay at home moms. I just hope that I can discipline myself enough to spend time seeking the Lord’s face about what this adventure truly means.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Amen

I missed it.

By 30 minutes I missed being there for her final moments here on earth.

The family said the Lord’s prayer, and just as they reached the Amen, her heart beat it’s last.

Her body is empty now. Her spirit free. No more arthritis. No more congestive heart failure. No more pain.

But I missed it.

Everything is very surreal right now. I’m not feeling much. Usually I am a cry baby, but not in situations that are actually appropriate for crying. I tend to go numb and my house gets very clean.

Kaleb is being amazingly strong, but not in an unhealthy way. He is crying when he needs to cry, but is no longer an emotional wreck.

The boys were there.

They are both struggling with some very big feelings.

Gabe is quiet. Keeping to himself. Wanting to do a lot of things to keep his mind off of the fact that he just lost the great grandmother he only got a few months ago.

Jeremiah is loud. Acting out. Using mean voices and mean faces. Doing everything he can to divert attention (his and ours) from the fact that his G.G. is now gone.

And so we take each moment as it comes.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

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The Finn that wouldn’t quit

Grandma is proving her strength. She is holding on with so much determination. We are amazed.

She has been in the ICU of a local hospital since late Monday night. She’s been sleeping since then. She responds to touch and to some things we say, but other than that, no change. Her stomach is amazingly still making noises. The doctors are amazed that she has made it this long. She is being sent back home today because the hospital is not really doing  anything for her that we cannot do at home. Kaleb insisted that the doctor prescribe IV fluids. The doctor didn’t like the idea, he didn’t see the point, but Kaleb was persistent, so the doctor relented. So home she goes. Well….to her house she goes…for some reason, home is holding off for now.

Lord, show us what do to from here. Show us the care you want for her. Is she in pain? What do we need to do? Lord, please give us wisdom.  I pray that she hears our love, but more importantly, that she KNOWS yours.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Hangin’ with Juji

In light of all the serious posts lately, here’s a fun video of my hangin’ out with my beautiful Congo African Grey parrot, Juji.  This happened totally spontaneously. She was being crazy playful while I was checking my e-mail, facebook etc…, so I whipped open the webcam.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Getting rid of the Gimmes

What’s with foster kids and stuff?

Both of my boys have a huge case of the gimmes! Especially Jeremiah. Neither have a good sense of money, which I can understand, but what’s with all the materialism crap?

I understand the psychology behind it, I suppose, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me. Jeremiah talks constantly about things he was given and how expensive they are. During a time of being corrected, he even said that he doesn’t want to live here because we didn’t buy him enough for his birthday. At this point I am dreading Christmas because our agency has a program call operation cheer that will get the boys a bunch of presents they don’t need, and we are going to have to decide what to do with all of it. Kaleb’s response to that was, “Why are they giving them stuff? That’s MY responsibility.”

So, any suggestions? How have you handled rampant materialism in your families?  How do you handle charity situations?

Blessings!

Hannah

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Cherishing, hoping, and letting go….all at the same time.

This has been a very emotional week for our family, especially my husband. On Monday morning, his grandma, who just turned 90 years old in August, was admitted to the hospital for what they thought was pneumonia. She has gone down hill ever since. It turns out she has an obstructed bowel that is causing some major issues.  She was transported to a bigger hospital, which has it’s pros and cons. The pros are that there are more specialists available to figure out the best plan of action. The cons are that care is much more impersonal. She’s in a shared room, and my hubby has had to really fight for her to receive the attention and care she needs.

Kaleb has been such a trooper. He’s been by her side almost non-stop since Wednesday night. The rest of the family came up from downstate today, so that has helped, but he is still emotionally exhausted. At least tonight he’s not crying so much and is actually able to enjoy watching a movie. He said his better mood is because she actually walked today. There is hope.

This woman means more to my precious husband than I could ever comprehend. This woman raised my husband in her house when the rest of his life was total chaos. His parents went through a time when they were not making very good choices, and his grandma took him and his sister in and saved them from the chaos that our sons have had to go through in foster care.

For the past three days he has not stopped weeping for her.

But today there is hope.

Today there is more peace.

She is 90 years old. She has lived through the Great Depression, numerous wars,  and crazy, harsh, U.P. winters with snow toppling over the roof of the house. She has worked hard her entire life, throwing hay at nine months pregnant. She is a fighter, so we are praying that she will not give up now.

It’s hard to know what to pray now. Should be praying that her passing is peaceful? Or continue to pray for healing? Or simply pray that God’s will be done, and leave it at that?

I am doing a lot of praying for my husband and his father, as they are the ones who seem to most deeply affected.

I am more numb than I would like. I’m even having a hard time staying continually compassionate, but I’m trying. I cried, but not out of sadness, out of frustration of not knowing what to do for my husband to comfort his heart.

Please pray. I don’t know how, but let the spirit give you the words.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Bathroom Talks

Jeremiah is pushing. Pushing. Pushing.

Do you love me enough to tell me no?

Yes.

Do you love me enough to hold me even when I’m telling you to go away?

Yes.

Do you love me enough to tell me you love me, even when I’m telling you all the reasons you are a horrible mother?

Yes.

Do you love me enough to sing me a horrible love song even when I’m telling you there is no one who hates you as much as I do?

Yes.

Do you love me enough to sit by the toilet and hold me on your lap, even when I’m trying to get away from you, but not really?

Yes.

Does Dad love me enough to hold me on his lap while I fight against him so I can see if he is going to get mad?

Yes.

Does Dad love me enough to help me realize how much I love both of you?

Yes.

Will you accept my hugs and kisses and smiles after it’s all over.

Absolutely frickin’ YES!

Tests suck. But I am thankful that I listened to God’s still, small voice tell me to keep trying, keep singing, and keep holding.

Blessings!

Hannah

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Remebering 9/11/2001

I was a senior in high school. Kaleb and I had been married just a few months, but circumstances had him back in Michigan for the time. I was missing him.

I was sitting in Senior English. I was blessed to go to a Christian school where we prayed together every morning. My classmate Amanda raised her hand.

“We should pray for the people in the plane crash.”

Plane crash? What plane crash?

We turned on the news.

We watched as the second plane hit.

This was no accident.

We watched all day. We prayed. We wondered what was ahead.

There were rumors. Rumors of gas tripling in price overnight. Rumors of Marshall Law.

I waited in line for gas.

Kaleb called. “If anything more happens, you wait there! I will find you! I will come get you!”

Gas did not triple. Marshall Law was not instated. The panic was still felt.

My adult life was changed forever.

I’m remembering today. I’m praying today. I am praying for our nation and the direction it’s heading. I am praying for the families of those brave men and women that died that day. I am praying against the evil one who deceives men’s hearts to hate enough to be willing to kill and die for that hate. I’m praying for the safety of my husband as he flies home tomorrow.

Don’t forget.

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God cares about power cords

I want to share a little story about God’s big faithfulness.

We went to my mother’s this past weekend to spend some badly needed time with her, as well as enjoy a Christian music festival. We have all been going through a lot of changes and stresses lately, and this vacation was something we needed in order to be refreshed. Kaleb was actually able to come, which is not always the case due to his responsibilities at work, and he was looking forward to it immensely.

All was going well until we got a call a day before we were leaving from my husband’s cousin who had agreed to stay with our dogs while we were gone. He said that he could no longer watch the dogs, but that another cousin would be able to. That was fine, so plans continued. 5 hours after we left on our trip we got a call from the first cousin saying that he couldn’t get a hold of the second cousin because she was away camping. The first cousin said that he couldn’t take care of the dogs, and what should he do. This is a grown man by the way. Our dogs had been home alone 5 hours at this point, so I told him that he needed to go sleep over there for the night and that we would find someone to take care of the them tomorrow.

Now, Kaleb is a pessimist. He is convinced that Murphy follows us and loves to torture us. He was convinced we needed to turn around and go home. We stopped at a wayside (I love that they are actually called waysides. As in “fall by the wayside.” Hehe.) and we prayed. We prayed because God knew we needed this break as a family and we claimed that He would come through with someone to watch our dogs, but that if we needed to go home we would.

We called a friend for whom we have dog sat before. At 11 PM. He was up and he agreed not only to watch the dogs, but to bring them back to his home, with a fenced in yard.

Yes. God cares about dog-sitters.

We got to my mom’s safely and enjoyed a restful night (morning actually). We had driven through the night, so once we got up at noon, we were all lounging in our jammies in my mom’s living room.  Kaleb had to get some work done on his laptop, so Mom and Rachel went to town to do some errands and we were planning on meeting up with them later.  Eventually, Kaleb’s laptop started to run low on power, and as he reached into his bag to get his power cord I saw his face go white.

“It’s not here. I left my power cord at home!”

He knew exactly where it was. It was plugged in next to our bed. He had left it there after taking a meeting in our bedroom the day before.

Now normally this would not be a big deal. Many laptops have similar power adapters and it’s typically not difficult to find one that will work. This was not the case.  My hubby’s business laptop is a business class HP, which apparently has an annoyingly unique power adapter. Again, in normal circumstances no reason to panic, we would be going home in a few days, but Kaleb was not heading home with us. He was flying directly from my home town to Los Angeles to meet with big wigs about big projects of which all the information for was on his laptop…with very little power left.

Panic set in. Kaleb was nearly ready to jump in the car and head back to the U.P. (a 13 hour drive) simply to get his power cord. He was angry at himself, and convinced that his “foolishness” had ruined the trip for everyone.

I prayed. I prayed that there would be a solution. He couldn’t pray at this point, so I prayed for him.

He searched online and found that B*st B*y had a universal adapter that might work. But it was expensive. And the store might not have it in stock.

I prayed. I prayed to my Heavenly Father that He would help. That he would not only have the adapter be in stock, but that it would be on sale.

Can you guess what happened? Do you know how crazy faithful my God is about even the little things?

Not only did they have the adapter in stock, but it was more than 50% off. (I’m tearing up over this.) Not only that, but it WORKED!!!

God saved our trip. Every time the enemy tried to trip us up, God intervened because He knows our hearts and He KNEW we needed this family time. Or maybe he intervened simply so I could write this post to tell you that HE CARES! Even about the little things.

He cares about sales on school clothes and where you put that important piece of paper. He cares because He loves you! If you stop your busy mind and take the time to ask Him, He will help!

Now, I know it doesn’t always work exactly the way we want it too. Sometimes things just suck, but God is still there in those moments. Sometimes, I just have to take the time to ask Him what he wants me to hear in those sucky situations. God is not scared by our questions. He welcomes them, because at least we are coming to him.

1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified Bible)

⁷Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 5 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: bargain shopping, Being set apart, faith, finances, prayer

Learning as we go

I feel like I failed the first day of school test.

Okay, not all of it. I got the boys up on time, even though we didn’t get back from our trip to my mom’s until very late. I made them a hot breakfast and avoided my eldest’s attempts to pick a fight over whether or not he was going to take his medication. I got the boys to school on time, and I think I even avoided embarrassing Gabe on the front steps. I got Jeremiah to the elementary side…and that’s where the trouble started. Miah was fine, but I went into the elementary principal’s office to make sure everything was good and the principal pulls me aside. She looked panicked. In hindsight, it was kind of humorous that one little boy could make a grown woman look like that.

“How can you just expect to throw him into school like this?” She said in a very not-happy voice. Basically she was upset because they had no background on him and therefore had no plan in place.

I told her that I understood her frustration, but that he was only officially placed with us two weeks ago, and therefore we had very little official background information to offer them. I was barely even able to enroll him in school because our caseworker only got us his file with his birth certificate and immunization records in it a week ago. I basically gave them a rough background, as far as I knew, and spoke to his teacher as well. I felt so unprepared.

So, now I’ve searched through his file more thoroughly and found a functional behavioral assessment dated December of 08 and a IEP-like progress report dated April of this year. Hopefully that will help. Hopefully they will understand that these are dated and that he has made incredible progress since then.

Breathe.

No emergency calls, so that’s good.

So, calling all super moms! I am so full of questions. How much do I tell the school? How much do I share with his teacher? I don’t want them to see my boy as a diagnosis. What’s the balance between assertive and cooperative?

I feel like I am swimming in the middle of Lake Superior with this one. (That means I’m surrounded by miles and miles and miles of water, surrounded by waves that can overtake the largest boats for those of you land-locked friends.) Was that a forced analogy? I don’t know. It’s how I’m feeling right now.

Two hours of school left. We can do this.

Oh, and Kaleb is in LA this week, which makes things all the worse. Jeremiah did not like the idea of Dad being away, and Gabe is convinced he’s going to screw up.

God is with me. I can feel it. I need more of His peace.

Blessings!

Hannah

Leave a comment | 7 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, foster care, Learning differences, parenting