Ordinary miracles

Which just happened to be the song playing on Pandora as I was preparing to write this post.

The hubby person is in LA for a quick turn-around trip. He will be home tomorrow, so no worries, right? Well, every time Kaleb has left for even short periods since Gabe has been home there has been some major incident involving major honesty issues or really bad choices. I was a little concerned.

Before I left work last night I felt an unusual nudge. I truly felt something in my spirit telling me to go to Taco Bell and get dinner. Now, I don’t particularly like Taco Bell, and I definitely know that it’s not the most nutritious food choice, but I definitely heard Taco Bell in my spirit. (Major chuckling inserted here) Not only do I believe the Holy Spirit told me “Taco Bell,” but I also believe that He told me what to order. He brought to my mind that Gabe prefers soft shell Tacos AND doesn’t like sour cream AND I remembered Mtn Dew with no ice!

So I get home from work and Gabe is folding towels CORRECTLY and neatly stacking them. He says “Hi, Mommy!” Which usually means he’s in a good mood, so that was a good sign. Then he said the miracle words, “Can I talk to you about something in a minute?”

“Why not right now?” I said.

“I don’t want to be distracted.”

WOW! Holy cow, WOW!!!

“Sure.” I say, trying to hide my exuberance. “Oh, and by the way, I got you something.” I hold up the Taco Bell bag.  He just smiles.

So after folding towels, Gabe joins me on the floor near  the couch and we talk. I listened about his loneliness and how he is missing Dad (who had only been gone a few hours at this point) and how he is afraid that he is going to screw up and make bad choices while Dad is gone. I listened as he told me how he was tempted to reassemble his bike and ride around to find someone to hang out with, but how he knew that would not be a good choice and would destroy trust (whoo hooo!!!!!) and how he really wants to do better this time around and EARN his privileges back.

Oh my goodness gracious. That would have been enough to fill my cup, but there was more.  I told him that I wanted him to know that this stuff I am going through, wanting a baby and all, didn’t mean that I wanted HIM any less. He is my son and I love him so much I could burst, it’s just something in me as a women that desperately wants a child from my womb. He said he understood that and that he REALLY WANTED a little brother or sister. (Tearing up as I write this) His only stipulation is that he be one of the first to know. [translation] I’m part of this family right? So you will tell me before anyone else, right? I matter? Yes, child of mine, you matter. We talked a little more about sharing big feelings and how it’s okay and it’s part of what a family does.

He nodded. Then he went to eat his Taco Bell and thanked me for remembering Soft shell with no sour cream and Mtn. Dew with no ice.I winked to the Holy Spirit and thanked Him for the info.

Then we watched So You Think You Can Dance.

What a great evening. What a great ordinary miracle.

Leave a comment | 2 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, behavior challenges, faith, foster care, parenting, RAD

Of tears and hugs and soft kisses

“Only ask if you really want to know,” I said.

“I really want to know.”

So let the sobbing begin, and then some laughing, some distractions by two precious little ones, and then some food.

And then someone else asked.

So let the sobbing begin again, and then praying, and more sobbing, and even some shouting followed by hugging. And a timely prayer to let the enemy’s words bounce off me.

And then some of the enemy’s words disguised in a hurt friend’s voice.

And then there was the drive home, and a very frank conversation with an invisible, but very present, God. And I was thirsty, so I reached in the back seat and drank some Diet Pepsi right out of the two liter. And I only got choked up a few times listening to Martian Child.

And then the husband was upset about our irritation that is our renter, and he was in panic mode and couldn’t hear my heart at that moment. But then there was my sister who heard me and was mad WITH me and was totally willing to hear me sob again. And then there was a boy who was feeling scared because Mom an Dad were both feeling so much. And then I reassured him that he was safe and that if he had some big feelings to share he could go ahead, we would listen.

And then there was a hot sauna and more tears, and more frank, vicious thoughts shared with a loving, gentle, beyond-comprehension God. And there there was a sweet husband who washed me with the cold water and held me against his cool body and let me sob.

“It’s going to be okay. You haven’t lost a thing. Hush hush. It’s okay.”

And lots of soft kisses.

And a laptop in the darkness of our room as I played with his fingers.

And finally sleep.

And no more anxious dreams.

Leave a comment | 3 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: faith, infertility, marriage

Blisters, Buff Arms, and Bargains

Saturday was a great day. I needed a great day.

Jeremiah couldn’t come home this weekend, which sucked, but it also meant that I got to sleep in uninterrupted, which was very nice.

I had asked Rachel the night before if she wanted to go to the farm and garden with me and I was psyched when she excitedly agreed.

Rachel and I spent 3 hours in the glorious weather digging trenches to create raised beds for our garden plot. It was hard work, but it felt wonderful. We weren’t sure what we’d be working on so we didn’t bring any gloves, which led to a nice big blister on my right thumb, but the manual labor made me feel strong and capable, something I feel the opposite of quite often.

We were hoping to get most of our planting done yesterday, but it was rainy and COLD again, so the planting has again been delayed. Friends of my down south are already harvesting some crop for goodness’ sake!!! Can’t we at least get ours in the ground?

We are still figuring out what veggies are going to go in our plots. Here’s what I’ve got so far: Green and red peppers, jalapenos, acorn squash, summer squash, water melon (the little kind), cantaloupe, cucumbers, zucchini, peas, lettuce, and ???? So many choices, such a short growing season. Any suggestions?

Okay, so on the way home from gardening Rachel and I stopped at a multi-family garage sale and I found some incredible treasures including a brand new “Cars” comforter for Jeremiah, a beautiful wooden marble maze (which Gabe has not been able to put down), a Carrom game set (a childhood favorite), VHS copies of “The King and I” and Shirley Temple’s “Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms”, some Christmas music, a cute outfit for a special little friend, a beautiful platter and ceramic hot pad thingy,  and a playstation game. ALL FOR $21!!! YAY!!!!

Kaleb was very proud of “his little bargain shopper”.

I am really loving garage sales this year, especially since I have purpose now in the things I am looking for. I love being able to look through the kid’s clothes and actually find things that will work for our little guy. It’s a joy that I didn’t know I was missing. Now, if  I could just find a decent couch.

Leave a comment | 4 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: bargain shopping, Gardening

5 Quick Takes Friday

7 Quick Takes Friday is a blog carnival hosted at www.conversiondiary.com . Head over there to read more great quick takes.

—1—

I am psyched about getting to do some gardening tomorrow! The weather is supposed to be cool, but not raining, so maybe we will actually get some of our sprouts into the ground. The temperature has been dropping below freezing at night all week, so planting has been necessarily delayed.

Jeremiah will be so excited to get to go play on the farm again. He really gets along with our garden host’s girls well, and there may even be two boys his own age there tomorrow. YAY!

—2—

I was in a huge panic Wednesday when I came home and discovered Pe’s eyes swollen shut from an allergic reaction to bug bites. No one was in the house and there was no note. AHHHH!!! Found out later that Rachel had put anti-biotic ointment (what???) on her eyes and that she didn’t think it was that big of deal so she went to a coworker’s son’s baseball game. Gabe was sanding the fence. Anywho, Pe could have gone into anaphylactic shock very quickly, but thankfully it was only her eyes that swelled. I gave her some benadryl and put hydrocortisone on her bites and she is now fully un-swelled.

For your information and for the safety of all our beloved poochies, please read up on canine first-aid. You never know when you might need to use it.

—3—

We have been dealing with some major honesty issues with our eldest, but we hopefully had a breakthrough last night. He actually displayed some emotion, anger even, for a split second! But then it was gone and we were back to starring at a stoic, blank, unfeeling face. I am hoping he follows my suggestion for getting garage done today so he can earn some mega points.

—4—

I made name meaning posters for both of the boys. Each poster has their name, their name in Hebrew, and the meaning of their name. The background is an artistic interpretation of their names in Hebrew lettering. I was rather impressed with myself, and Kaleb was impressed too. I printed them on photo paper so they would be vibrant and put them in some beautiful frames I found for CHEAP. They are now displayed on our mantle and they look FANTASTIC!  I was very excited about this project. Probably because it is a type of nesting, making our family feel like a family.

Anywho, I am also working on doing a similar project making posters of different encouraging scripture verses. Kaleb has been very determined to surround Gabe with our vision and God’s vision for him, and that gave me the idea for the posters. I am using some great stock photo backgrounds that I found on http://www.sxc.hu/ . Fun fun!!!

—5—

We are planning a family trip to a nearby city to do some clothes shopping. I am so excited!!! I need new clothes very badly and Gabe has a clothing allowance to spend. We were planning on going tomorrow, but Gabe’s recent behavior has not been conducive to fun family outings. I am waiting to hear from Miah’s caseworker to find out whether he can come too. We will be staying in a very nice hotel with a family suite (5 beds) and a pool with a water slide for CHEAP because my hubby stays there so often for work. Even though I am heavier than I would like right now, I am still ecstatic to get some new clothes.

Okay, so that’s five. It’s all I got right now. Maybe I will think of two more to add later.

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: Gardening, parenting, the critters

Bluish

Feeling Baby-Bluish today. Contemplating posting one of my short stories instead of retyping everything.

Still feeling nauseous, sometimes. Breasts still hurt, a little.

Tests still coming out negative. Beginning to be convinced that it is what it is.

Lord, if I can’t bring myself to get my hopes up, if I’m not trusting and believing right now at this moment, does that change what is happening in my body?

There. I posted the short story “It’s Natural”. I hope that you enjoy it can hear my heart.

Leave a comment | 4 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: infertility, marriage

When it’s starring you in the face…

How can you still deny it?

Our eldest lies. He lies a lot. Big things. Little things. He lies straight to our faces. Unwavering. Even when the evidence is right there in front of his beautiful brown eyes, he denies, denies, denies.

WHY????

Gabe, why???

No one else could have done it. No one else was home! Is our African Grey an absolute genius bird? Do I need to call Leno Conan?

Nope. He still didn’t do it.

We know. We’ve told him so. He is “sticking to [his] story.”

Sorry kid. You are our child. You are not going to push us away. We are not getting rid of you. We will see this whole thing through the bitter end. We are not giving up, on you or on our plan.

How do you break through?

Leave a comment | 6 comments so far (is that a lot?) | Tags: Adoption, foster care, parenting, RAD

The Fire Bug in Me

I’ve always loved fire…the controlled kind: Fireplaces, bonfires, wood stoves. There is nothing more comforting or enticing than the smell of good wood smoke, especially on a cold UP night. The kind that freezes your nostrils when you take a sniff.

One of my favorite parts of our house is our fireplace. It’s huge, for one, and made of beautiful sunset-colored sandstone. Spring in the UP means you never know if you are getting a 70 degree day or a 40 degree one. Today is the one of the later. So, with the help of the boxes left over from my hubby’s latest technology venture, I have a blazing, beautiful fire.

Our next door neighbor is a logger and has unlimited supply to wood. He cuts it himself and said that if we ever want any, to feel free and take some, he just needs money for the gas for his chainsaw. It’s AWESOME!!! Wonderful hardwood logs at my fingertips.

So, another Hannah tidbit is that the American frontier in the 1800′s is my favorite period of history. I LOVE frontier living. One of my favorite things to watch on TV is the annual Chuck Wagon Cookoff on Food Network. I love to see how people made really good food out of such simple ingredients and without any of our modern technology.

So, I did a little searching on the old Internet on what kinds of yummy things I could make in my fireplace. What I can up with was mostly discouraging how about labor-some and dangerous this kind of cooking is. I was nearly discouraged until I remembered these cool little devices that my MIL always takes on her camping trips. There are recipes galore for these things. They are easy, mostly safe, and VERSATILE!!! YAY!!! I’m inspired to order a few. It is summer time, right? (Although our weather hasn’t figured it out yet.) We WILL have bonfires!

Anywho, check them out and let me know of any other ideas on how I can best utilize this wonderful wood-burning resource.

Leave a comment | 1 comment so far | Tags: cooking

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I was absolutely perfect this weekend. There is nothing to report of anything embarrassing.

When I got a call from my husband telling me of MORE major manipulation and lying from our eldest, I did not want to strangle the boy and shake him violently saying “WHY!!!!” I was not more than relieved that I was still at work and would have three more hours to cool off before I had to face the child.

I was not more than a little disappointed that the husband had completely cooled off and was totally calm and collected when I got home. I did not feel like I missed a great chance to vent and yell for a while. I did not totally turn my brain off by watching two recorded episodes of So You Think You Can Dance.

On Saturday I was totally prepared for the 8 hour training I was teaching. I did not have one HUGE “OH CRAP!!!!” moment where I realized I forgot half of the supplies needed for the training at the office. I was not relieved near tears to see that one of my trainees had arrived half an hour early and could help me set up. I definitely did not share the “Purple vomit” story with my trainees because it pertained to our topic matter. That would have been totally unprofessional.

After I got home from my training I did not collapse into bed and sleep for nearly three hours and then collapse into bed again only four hours later. I did not totally take advantage of my hubby’s recent sweetness and allow him to wait on me hand and foot.

Finally, Sunday was another perfect day. I did not thoroughly enjoy the company of our little guy even more than normal because his big brother is driving me BONKERS!!! I am not feeling like I don’t understand Gabe one little bit lately and I am glad I don’t feel like every moment I have to talk to him lately is work and takes WAY too much energy. When our eldest was mopey for the entire afternoon AGAIN and would not tell me why AGAIN I did not want to shout at him as loudly as I could ” FINE! Be grounded for the rest of the summer! It’s your choice and this is what you are choosing! If you want to be miserable I am just going to let you be miserable!” I am not more than skeptical that our 1 hour talk before he went to bed last night really had any effect. I am not expecting to have the same conversation again tonight…and tomorrow…and for ETERNITY!!!

I am so glad I am so composed and have it all together. I would not be so foolish as all of that.

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