WARNING: More sappy infertility whining ahead. Proceed with caution.
I am writing this to sincerely ask for prayer for my heart. I’m not sure how to do this on my own. I’m not sure I SHOULD be doing this on my own. I need my Father’s healing, and I’m not sure how to accept it. So, here’s the crap.
Found out yesterday that two more people close to me are pregnant. 2 more. That brings the count up to 8. Yes, I’ve been counting. Maybe that’s the first problem. I thought I was handling it well, especially when I found out that one of them found out on Mother’s Day, the day I took my first test this last time around and got a resounding “No!” I thought I was doing well. There was no sarcasm in my voice when I told her congratulations. I didn’t even burst into tears during my teleconference a few minutes later. I thought I was okay.
Then last night I went to bed and my hubby came to tuck me in and everything came flooding out in a 1 hour gush of fear and hurt. It wasn’t all about my lack of pregnant-ness, but that’s how it ended. The hubby said some hard things to hear, but there was a lot of truth in every word. My brain and heart are having a hard time digesting this particular truth. I don’t want to hurt my husband with my obsession. I don’t want my boys to feel unloved. I don’t want to be crazy. I DON’T! So why can’t I stop the thoughts? Why can’t I stop the continual feelings, the waves of pure emotion? Why is it so hard this time? Why has this lasted for so long. As Kaleb pointed out last night, my “baby crazies” don’t usually last this long and they have never been this intense.
Please pray for me. I am so tempted to find something to fill this hole without letting the Lord finally heal it. I don’t trust Him enough to do that. I don’t know how to trust Him that much. I want a puppy to raise again. I’d even settle for a kitten. That would at least distract me, right? I know I shouldn’t do that. I can’t. It’s not healthy. But what do I do with this hole?
If I keep writing, my keyboard will get soggy and I won’t make any more sense, so I will stop for now. Please help me to see God’s truth for me. I already know it, but my heart is being very stubborn. Please help me see.
Lord, please help me see you. Your truth for me. Your reality of who I am. Please.
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Hi Hannah…I know your story is different from my story, but I do understand the hole, the pain, and how it affects every last part of life. You do well to talk about it and write about it at least! Sometimes I think I’m doing fine and then I’ll be with some friends who start talking about their pregnancies (probably complaining about some aches and pains), and I totally lose it inside. It’s all about ups and downs. I am most comforted by the image of morning…”Morning by morning, new mercies I see. GREAT is they FAITHFULNESS”!! And then an excerpt from a blog I wrote long ago
“It does us NO good to fear. I have lots of things I COULD FEAR. I could fear never being a mom. Fear the process of TTC for years and years. Fear being chosen for adoption and then having a failed placement. Fear never being chosen for adoption. Fear I won’t be a good mom if I am. Fear I won’t be able to stay at home like my heart desires. Fear that I am not trusting God enough.
But in Psalm 46, it says
1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.”
Just some things that have comforted me a bit…but that doesn’t take the pain away, I know. Maybe talking to someone about taking an anti-depressant to help get over those humps. There is no shame in that for sure.
Praying for you…and hoping your hole is filled soon!
I prayed for you this morning… and wept for you. No matter what, I love you.
Thank you, Annette. Those words are exactly what I need to hear, especially from someone like you. Thank you. The fear quote and scripture was especially pertinent.
I’ve thought about the anti-depressant thing, but I just don’t have peace about that right now. I truly believe that this hump needs to be conquered, healed.
Thank you, Daddy. I love you too. I am so glad I am going to get some Dad time soon.
The Husband and I, unbeknownst to him, started trying to conceive in July 2001. We stopped in January 2005 when we started the adoption process. That is over 40 months of trying. Every single month was just as painful as the one before. Our adoption worker told us that she has always felt that she had a whole in her heart where her biological baby should be. She adopted four kids. That made me feel better. To know that it is normal to desire that little life so strongly. I still get it occasionally. Especially when I spend a lot of time with babies. I want those first moments. The first steps. The first words. The first laugh. I don’t even like babies, honestly, but I want the experience and attachment of knowing and guiding that little soul from the very beginning. Honey, you are not alone.
Hi Hannah! It’s Amanda Merchant from SFC. I supposed I could give you all the things we are supposed to say about how “God gives us the desires of our heart” and “He does all things in His time” but I know you know those things and I’d be willing to bet you are sick of hearing them. Just thought I’d let you know that you are definitely in my thoughts today.
Thanks, Amanda. That means a lot.
Hannah,
I pray that God will be close and that He will bring you the comfort and the peace that you need. I wish that I could do or say something that would really help, well I CAN. I can pray and I will pray for the gift of a child.
Blessings,
Kimberly
Thinking of you Hannah and sending major hugs your way!
Leslie
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