WARNING: More sappy infertility whining ahead. Proceed with caution.
I am writing this to sincerely ask for prayer for my heart. I’m not sure how to do this on my own. I’m not sure I SHOULD be doing this on my own. I need my Father’s healing, and I’m not sure how to accept it. So, here’s the crap.
Found out yesterday that two more people close to me are pregnant. 2 more. That brings the count up to 8. Yes, I’ve been counting. Maybe that’s the first problem. I thought I was handling it well, especially when I found out that one of them found out on Mother’s Day, the day I took my first test this last time around and got a resounding “No!” I thought I was doing well. There was no sarcasm in my voice when I told her congratulations. I didn’t even burst into tears during my teleconference a few minutes later. I thought I was okay.
Then last night I went to bed and my hubby came to tuck me in and everything came flooding out in a 1 hour gush of fear and hurt. It wasn’t all about my lack of pregnant-ness, but that’s how it ended. The hubby said some hard things to hear, but there was a lot of truth in every word. My brain and heart are having a hard time digesting this particular truth. I don’t want to hurt my husband with my obsession. I don’t want my boys to feel unloved. I don’t want to be crazy. I DON’T! So why can’t I stop the thoughts? Why can’t I stop the continual feelings, the waves of pure emotion? Why is it so hard this time? Why has this lasted for so long. As Kaleb pointed out last night, my “baby crazies” don’t usually last this long and they have never been this intense.
Please pray for me. I am so tempted to find something to fill this hole without letting the Lord finally heal it. I don’t trust Him enough to do that. I don’t know how to trust Him that much. I want a puppy to raise again. I’d even settle for a kitten. That would at least distract me, right? I know I shouldn’t do that. I can’t. It’s not healthy. But what do I do with this hole?
If I keep writing, my keyboard will get soggy and I won’t make any more sense, so I will stop for now. Please help me to see God’s truth for me. I already know it, but my heart is being very stubborn. Please help me see.
Lord, please help me see you. Your truth for me. Your reality of who I am. Please.
