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A need-to-read
I know that I have many social-conscious readers who would love to read the articles on this site. I was especially touched by the Orphans section. I wonder why?
Do you want to get wrecked?
Preparing for the weekend…and it’s only Tuesday
I am so excited to be heading up (or over) to my daddy’s house for the long weekend. I am praying for a joyful, restful, relaxing time of renewal for our whole family. My perfect weekend would include a husband detached from his laptop and two boys running out to play outside in the woods and fishing to their hearts’ content. Kaleb needs a rest so badly. He is in much too high demand at work and his body is really feeling the stress. I’m also praying for spiritual renewal for our whole family, bus especially Kaleb.
I spoke to Jeremiah’s caseworker again a few moments ago and she has been trying to get a hold of the tribal court all morning. Lord, I pray for favor and speed in that situation. I pray that the right people will be reached and that the paper work will go through smoothly. Who knew it would be so complicated to take a little boy to Grandpa’s house. I am also hoping we can get a hold of everyone we need to on our end to arrange pick-up and such. The group homes are out at camp this week, and people are hard to get a hold of.
Sad news is that Rachel can’t come with us. She is very disappointed, as are we. The adult group home where she works has been in some turmoil lately and they can’t spare her. POOEY!!!! Well, at least we don’t have to pay a dog-sitter. It still royally SUCKS!
Gabe’s behaviors have been erratic the past couple of days. His attitude has been fine, but his behaviors just aren’t making much sense. It’s very possible this is just because he hasn’t had his morning med in a couple of days because the prescription was written for Monday. My Mom-Radar was going nuts last night, but, as far as I can tell, he was telling the truth and didn’t get into anything he shouldn’t have. I know that this trip is going to bring out a lot of mixed feelings for him, and I am trying to prepare him now. He keeps assuring me that he will be fine, but I know his tells, especially when it comes to social situations. The biggest things we are going to have to work on are conversation skills. Thankfully, my daddy ROCKS and has lots of experience with all kinds of kids, so he will be fine. I know my step-mom is probably a little nervous, but she is so good at just lovin’ on people. We will go over what skills the boys (mainly Gabe) are working on with both Dad and Laraine so they at least know what to report back to us. Again, the biggie is going to be conversation skills, including telling tall tales, taking over a conversation, interrupting, asking inappropriate questions etc… The biggie with Miah will be controlling his treasure hunting. He has an incredible ability of finding things that aren’t his and utilizing them in his adventures. He’s not stealing them, he simply doesn’t think to ask before he uses them. It looks cool, so why not play with it? My dad has a lot of very cool things, especially that a little boy would like, so I can already anticipate this coming up a few times.
The boys have been chatting about this trip relentlessly for the past week and these are some of the activities they are most looking forward too:
- Swimming (My dad’s back porch is about 50 yards from a very nice lake.)
- Fishing (Jeremiah is especially stoked about this.)
- Fort building in the woods next to the house.
- Star gazing (Both boys have shown incredible interest in the stars, and this is one of my dad’s favorite hobbies. Awesome!)
- Getting to know Grandma and Grandpa.
Dad, since you are one of my most avid readers, can’t wait to see you!
Blessings!
Hannah
It’s looking hopeful…
Talked to Jeremiah’s caseworker this morning. It’s looking like permission to travel will be granted. She has to pass it on to Trival Court…and then I will get an e-mail. Hopefully.
Celebrations!
This weekend is jam packed with ‘em.
Tonight, my wonderful hubby is standing in the wedding of our beautiful friends Jeff and Flea. He is wearing a tux and is going to ROAST so I hope he remembers to bring an extra shirt with him for the reception. Our boys are all excited to dress up. Jeremiah asked if he could wear “one of those fluffy tuxedo shirts.” No, but you are too cute. Gabe has some new clothes to wear from our recent Old Navy spree, so he is excited to look all spiffy. I had a mini melt down last night when what I was planning to wear did not impress the hubby person at all. He helped me find a much better outfit, and I agree that it is much more flattering. I love having a fashion conscious hubby.
Anywho, enough with the clothes. The WEDDING!!!! YAY!!!! Kaleb is reading scripture, but could not find a verse that seemed to fit that was not cliche’, so I did some searching. The passage that really spoke to my heart, and his, was Colossians 3:12-17
“12Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
We love weddings. We were told by some friends once that we must have a really good marriage for how excited we get about other people getting married. I guess it’s true! I love this man that God has blessed me with. I am so glad that God let me have him early on in life. We have a lot of fun and joy together, and the bad times never last long enough to be remembered as significant. He is my friend, my lover, and is sooOOO darn sexy. (Sorry Tiruba, got a little mushy there, didn’t I?) When I look back at the last 8 years, it’s hard to see the time that has passed. It’s gone so quickly. What a whirlwind. WowZA! Anywho, we will wear our wedding rings, which we can rarely wear otherwise, tonight as a reminder of our promises to each other and in celebration of Jeff and Flea’s covenant.
Sunday I am hosting a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine. Melinda has been there for me in a way that no many other women have, or would have been able too. She went through a period of not knowing if she was going to be able to carry a child either, so her empathy for me is huge. I am so excited to celebrate this precious life in her. It’s going to be a great gathering of women, and hopefully without too much drama. YAY BABY!!! I can’t express how excited I am to actually SEE this little one. I get to be Auntie again, and that makes me dance a very happy dance. Melinda is due on the 18th of July, so baby girl could come any day now. WHOO HOO!!!!
So this is going to be quite the weekend, but we will enjoy celebrating!
Prayer request: We are heading up to Dad’s in MN for the 4th of July weekend and are hoping to take BOTH of the boys. Jeremiah’s caseworker is way down state and has very little contact with him directly, and his supervising caseworker up here will not sign the paper to allow us to take him with us. Please pray that when I call his caseworker on Monday that she is AVAILABLE and that there is favor in this situation so that Jeremiah can meet Grandma and Grandpa and have a wonderful 4th of July with his family.Thank you!
Blessings!
Hannah
Yay for the little guy!
Jeremiah has graduated! YAY!!!! He is now, as of an hour and a half ago, no longer an RTC kid. He is now in the same group home that Gabe was at. It’s a step-down program that focuses more on living skills than severe behaviors, which Jeremiah hasn’t had any of for a long time anyway. I am so proud of him and so excited that we won’t have to worry about him earning his weekend visits any more.
We still don’t know if he will be able to come with us for the 4th, but I have his caseworker’s number and will call her first thing Monday morning, since, of coarse, she is out of the office until then. Grrrr.
Anywho, hurray hurray for Jeremiah!!!
A Blessed Weekend
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 22, 2009 in Life in the Stubborn house, Uncategorized
Thank you all so much for all of your sweet comments and encouragements. For those of you who prayed, I really believe God used your prayers to touch my heart. I know that things will still be hard, but I am really feeling peaceful right now. Sigh. That’s good. I needed peace.
We had a GREAT weekend. I picked up Jeremiah on Friday, and after a FRUSTRATING incident with my debit card and Wally World, which he handled fantastically, we had a nice relaxed evening at home.
Saturday started with some gardening, up and down attitudes with both boys, and a VERY warm UP day. You southerners would soooo laugh at us. I decided to be a terrific friend and take our friends’ kiddos, Gideon (3) and Zanna (15 months), for the day so that the wifey could fulfill a promise to her husband and go golfing with him. Kaleb was a little shocked when I walked in with the little ones, and a little intimidated since the kid count had doubled. Zanna is VERY clingy to her mommy and usually sobs the whole time away, so Kaleb was not looking forward to that. Thankfully, we’ve been spending more time together lately so Zanna was actually a pretty happy girl all day, as long as I was in site. It helped that her mama got to stop by on her way home from gardening for a quick nurse.
Anywho, after a quick lunch of left-over tacos, (sorry, got distracted by my growing nails for a moment, trying to resist….) Okay, so after a quick lunch of left-over tacos we took all four kiddos to the beach. YAY for first beach trip of the season! I will post pictures later. We had a GREAT time. Jeremiah requested to be buried in the sand, and Gabe and Gideon gladly obliged. The water was still numbingly cold, but that didn’t matter. It was the nearness of the water that was so soothing. The boys ventured in, but once they realized that they couldn’t feel their feet they decided that sand play would be a better use of their time.
We did have a little trouble with Gabe acting 3 instead of 16, but after a quick time out, he bounced back and helped with the little ones. He is so good with the little ones. It makes my heart happy.
After a quick trip to DQ we ventured back to the house and grilled with some friends that are getting married next weekend. Kaleb’s standing in the wedding and hasn’t had much time to spend with the groom, so it was important we have them out. We had a great night of fellowship. It felt very grown-upish to have four kids sitting around the table with our “company”. Great dinner conversation. Great laughs. Oh, it was so good!
Anywho, this post is getting incredibly long, so I will sum it up by saying I am feeling blessed by a good weekend with family and friends and a feeling of wholeness. It was good.
WARNING: More sappy infertility whining ahead. Proceed with caution.
I am writing this to sincerely ask for prayer for my heart. I’m not sure how to do this on my own. I’m not sure I SHOULD be doing this on my own. I need my Father’s healing, and I’m not sure how to accept it. So, here’s the crap.
Found out yesterday that two more people close to me are pregnant. 2 more. That brings the count up to 8. Yes, I’ve been counting. Maybe that’s the first problem. I thought I was handling it well, especially when I found out that one of them found out on Mother’s Day, the day I took my first test this last time around and got a resounding “No!” I thought I was doing well. There was no sarcasm in my voice when I told her congratulations. I didn’t even burst into tears during my teleconference a few minutes later. I thought I was okay.
Then last night I went to bed and my hubby came to tuck me in and everything came flooding out in a 1 hour gush of fear and hurt. It wasn’t all about my lack of pregnant-ness, but that’s how it ended. The hubby said some hard things to hear, but there was a lot of truth in every word. My brain and heart are having a hard time digesting this particular truth. I don’t want to hurt my husband with my obsession. I don’t want my boys to feel unloved. I don’t want to be crazy. I DON’T! So why can’t I stop the thoughts? Why can’t I stop the continual feelings, the waves of pure emotion? Why is it so hard this time? Why has this lasted for so long. As Kaleb pointed out last night, my “baby crazies” don’t usually last this long and they have never been this intense.
Please pray for me. I am so tempted to find something to fill this hole without letting the Lord finally heal it. I don’t trust Him enough to do that. I don’t know how to trust Him that much. I want a puppy to raise again. I’d even settle for a kitten. That would at least distract me, right? I know I shouldn’t do that. I can’t. It’s not healthy. But what do I do with this hole?
If I keep writing, my keyboard will get soggy and I won’t make any more sense, so I will stop for now. Please help me to see God’s truth for me. I already know it, but my heart is being very stubborn. Please help me see.
Lord, please help me see you. Your truth for me. Your reality of who I am. Please.
Switching it up
We are trying something different. We are starting Gabe out everyday with 12,000 points. It’s up to him whether he keeps it or not. This decision was made in a moment of clarity where Kaleb and I both agreed that we could not teach enough in the 2-3 hours we see Gabe in the evening to make it effective.
Rachel has been struggling with the whole concept of positive and negative points, so she hasn’t been teaching to him with much quantity during the day.
“He should just DO it.” she has said.
I understand it’s frustrating, but he needs a concrete way to see the effects of his behavior, and the point system is what he is used to. So we continue. He is half way through his subsystem. He’s earned enough points to skateboard and rollerblade in our driveway, so that’s a big accomplishment. 490,000 points to go. I’m hoping he will get some fire under his butt and take some initiative to get this done with.
Gabe had a good attitude last night. We all went out to the back yard and played frisbee for a while, and then a rousing game of 500, at which I won zero points. I tried, but geez I have a quick sister and son. Rachel snatched the foxtail right out of my hand in mid-jump. Sheesh! I was great to have some good family time and enjoy the (finally) beautiful UP weather.
I am hoping Gabe has a good attitude again tonight. He earns daily bonus points for attitude alone, and so far he is able to go 4 out of 7 days with an acceptable attitude. It’s the other three days that give us grief and headaches, when he totally crashes and shows no signs of emotion or motivation.
Lord, I know that it’s only been 3 months, but we could really use a significant breakthrough with this child. I love him, Lord. We both love him. But he is really hard to like right now. Please give us wisdom on how to speak to his heart. I’m tired of nagging and feeling bitchy. I don’t like feeling like that, Father. I want to enjoy this child you’ve given us. Kaleb’s exhausted and simply wants to connect with his son. Please, Lord, give us YOUR love and YOUR joy for this boy that you adore so much.
You are so good, God. You will astonish us again and again. Thank you, Father for your continual pictures of love. Amen.
It seems I bragged too quickly.
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 15, 2009 in Life in the Stubborn house, Uncategorized
Remember that whole “Mom, I need to talk cuz I was tempted to do…” stuff? Yeah, not exactly.
Gabe was seen walking down to the Coop by Rachel’s coworker. Coworker told Rachel. Rachel confronted Gabe. Gabe denies, denies, denies. Rachel wants to believe Gabe. Rachel calls coworker “Are you SURE it was Gabe?” She was sure. Gabe denies, denies, denies.
Rachel calls Kaleb. Kaleb talks to Gabe on phone. Denies, denies, denies. I get home. We confront Gabe together and tell him that he will NOT come with us this weekend if he does not tell the truth (insert something about cutting Grandpa’s grass with scissors). Gabe tells the truth.
Yes, he walked down to the Coop after being told specifically not to go outside until (I) Mom got home.
Yes, he totally manipulated me by telling me all the things he was “tempted” to do when in fact he actually DID them.
Yes he lied to Rachel and Kaleb again and again.
Yes, he thought that a Monster energy drink was good enough reason to disobey, lie, manipulate, lie some more, make mom look like a complete idiot for trusting his “sharing of feelings” and nearly miss out on a trip we have been planning for 2 months..
Yes, I have learned another lesson on how to read whether the boy is telling me a load of crap or not. Yes, I still believe he really does want a baby brother or sister. Yes, I still believe the Holy Spirit told me to get him Taco Bell. No, I don’t know what impact that will have in the long run. No, I don’t know how to get past this crazy lying stuff.
Not Me Monday
Posted by Hannah Rae on Jun 15, 2009 in Life in the Stubborn house, Not Me Monday
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
Okay, so this Not Me Monday was almost very different, but thankfully a certain 16 year old decided to come clean so we could all NOT do so many fun things this weekend. Thanks, Gabe for NOT being honest. More on that later.
I have not been very stressed out lately. I’ve been totally calm and collected and have not been flipping out in the least. Good thing, cuz it is never good for a mama to be near the breaking point with her job and her eldest child.
So the sweet hubby decided to take us all to a nearby city for the weekend. We did not stay in beautiful resort for very cheap. We definitely did not take advantage of my hubby’s business connections to get a wicked price on a fabulous room. We did not laugh at all of the golfers and make silly golf jokes all weekend.
Our plan for this weekend was to do some major shopping. Gabe had a clothing allowance to spend, so it’s a good thing we didn’t nearly have to leave him behind due to some more major honesty issues over very stupid stuff. That would have totally sucked, so I am glad that we didn’t even have to consider that. After checking into the hotel we went over to Old Navy where we did not take full advantage of the half off men’s clothing sale and get Gabe a whole new wardrobe. I was not extremely proud of how he chose COLOR instead of black. I did not sit at the kiddie table by the dressing rooms and color a Father’s Day picture for my hubby. Said hubby did not chuckle profusely and say VERY LOUDLY “Well you’re not Early Childhood at all, are you?”
I was not more than a little pissed off that my favorite Old Navy jeans no longer fit me appropriately. I did not wish multiple times this weekend that my curves were easier to find clothes for and that the butt-crack-factor was not the first thing I had to consider with a pair of jeans.
I did not have to contain my joy multiple times as my men-folk rushed around store after store trying to find me clothes to try on. I do not thoroughly enjoy the fact that both my husband and my son love to shop. It’s annoying and I don’t love the bragging rights one bit. I was not extremely proud of myself for keeping my heart guarded as I tried on clothes. I did not totally impress myself with my good attitude as my “not gonna do it” pile kept growing and growing. I am not totally thankful for arrow prayers and a Holy Spirit that cares about how I feel about my body.
After a full day of shopping, I did not return to the hotel with 1 pair of pants and 1 shirt and 1 nightgown thingy with a cape. I did not thoroughly enjoy the amazing Mexican food that the hubby treated us too.
Saturday night, I did not feel like a kid again as I went down the water slide head first again and again and again. I did not have a few moments of childishness. I was not tempted to tell the little girl in front of me to quit cutting in line.
Sunday, I did not feel a little guilty about missing church. I was not extremely blessed by the wonderful worship music on our favorite Christian radio station. It did not make me feel much MUCH better about spending time with my hubby, sister, and son. I did not find it totally ironic that I found more (brand new) clothing that fit at the local Goodwill than at any other store.
Finally, I did not eat some really GOOD food this weekend. I was not so full after an amazing lunch of ribs and wings yesterday that I wasn’t the least bit hungry until breakfast this morning. I did not feel much better knowing that I did a butt-load of walking all weekend.
I am not feeling quite overwhelmed at how God has truly blessed us this year. I do not find myself thinking of how few people, even in our nation, have been blessed with such provision. I am not in awe of how God has blessed ME with such a wonderful husband, who cared enough to not only take his wife shopping but cheer for her along the way. I am not filled with glee after a fun weekend with my sister who is my best friend. I am not feeling very motherish after our first real family get away. God is so not good.
Oh wait! HE IS!!!
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