Posted by Hannah Rae on May 4, 2009 in
faith,
Life in the Stubborn house
Heart hurting
Not sure why I feel like crying and yelling at no one in particular.
Heart hurting
Not sure why these baby cravings have come back and brought their friends with them.
And no, I’m not pregnant, so don’t ask, because I am tired of explaining that this is not MY baby and YES, I want to have one but NO, God has not chosen to give me one yet and YES, I am trying to trust him but NO, that does not always make the feelings go away.
Brain hurting
‘Cuz the numbness of newness is gone and has been drastically replaced by reality of responsibility and bad attitudes, most of which are mine.
Brain hurting
Wondering if I can really do this or if I was just so convinced that I could. And you all saw that coming and are all saying “I told you so.” But yet, I think I can, or at least I want to think I can.
Brain hurting
Thoughts wandering to a bad conversation a year ago that I can not get out of my head or my heart. Not sure it will ever be the same.Wanting it to be so much better than the same.
Heart hurting
Wondering if the one I haven’t spoken to in two years has totally forgotten about me or is trying to forget about me or is just so different from the person I thought that I was deceived for 14 years. Wondering if we will ever speak again.
Brain hurting, Heart hurting
Worrying about husband-person leaving but knowing he has to go. Knowing I am capable, yet worrying about screwing things up, again. Scared. So scared of forgetting something important, critical, causing our demise.
Trying.
Trying to let myself be healed and loved and sung-over. Not knowing how. Feeling like the hours are slipping away without anything being accomplished and knowing there is a resounding AMEN from most moms. Trying to feel like a mom and not an over-ambitious baby-sitter with control issues.
That’s all that is pouring out of me for now, but it helped. It helped to just pour it onto the page. If you read it and understood, that is just a bonus.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, faith, foster care, infertility, marriage, parenting
Posted by Hannah Rae on May 4, 2009 in
Laughter Lives Tuesday,
Not Me Monday
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
I am so thankful that MckMama and Stellan are home safe and sound. It’s just icing on the cake that we get to have some fun with Not Me Monday again.
This weekend was full of activity. On Saturday we went to an estate auction where I thankfully did not almost bid on very expensive farm equipment by pointing at something up in the sky. That would have been very embarrassing, so I am glad that my hands were totally under control. When I saw the cutest little girl with her mom, I definitely kept my composure and didn’t play with her for a significant portion of the bidding. That would just be obsessive, so I’m glad I didn’t do that. She did not become my friend in a matter of seconds and did not ask me to come sit by her on the sidewalk, totally ignoring her mother in the process. I don’t have this effect on kids often. Nope, never.
I am totally capable of continually handling our eldest’s attitude issues without effect on my emotions. I have not become weary and found myself being overly harsh and impatient. Nope, not me. I know better than that. I am definitely not enjoying the fact that he is in deep trouble right now because that means that I can give him extra chores and be justified in doing so. That would just be cruel. I do not need an attitude check myself. I do not need to focus on how to teach and encourage instead of how to correct. Who would want to do that?
I volunteered to watch our friend’s little one yesterday. She was sick and very sleepy and cuddly. Thankfully, I am totally in control of my maternal instincts, so they did not kick into overdrive and my breasts definitely did not start to ache after 8 hours of caring for this very sweet, needy little one. That would just be weird.
We went to a friend’s graduation party yesterday and I totally did not hit up the hostess for leftover Mexican Lasagna so that I would have some for lunch today. That would just be rude. 
Oh, there are so many things I did not do. It’s been a long week, but I think that covers the gist of it.
Oh, except that I am totally ok with my hubby having to go away on business for the next few weeks and I am not afraid at all that I am going to screw something major up. That’s a biggie. I am so glad that I am more self-assured than that.
Leave a comment | | Tags: Adoption, foster care, marriage, parenting
