Here we go….

Kaleb and I have a meeting with Grace’s powers that be today. We have pretty much agreed that, unless something miraculous happens on her end, we are going to stop pursuing adoption. She just isn’t ready, and doesn’t want it; therefore she is making bad choices and pushing us away. We don’t want to try to force something that just isn’t going to work.

It will be a very hard meeting for me. I am so thankful that Kaleb can come with me.

So, God. Now what? What’s the next part of this adventure? Do you have someone else in mind? Was Grace put in our lives to simply prepare our hearts, or what? Is she going to be okay? Will she make it? Will she come to us in 8 years and ask why we gave up on her?

Psalm 27 is still Grace’s Psalm. I will still pray it over her. Our Father has not, nor will He ever abandon that little girl…even though for now, it seems we have.

And yet, there is amazing peace.

But I will still sob.

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Prayer Boxes and Grace

Rachel and I successfully made the 2 and 1/2 hour trip to Grace’s group home yesterday. Our plan was to make prayer boxes. I really wanted to emphasize to her that God can hear her no matter what and that anything she is anxious about she can put on His shoulders. I got the idea from a book I was reading where the character gave all of her worries to God by putting them in a hat box. She said that once they were in the box they were God’s problem. That’s what I wanted to give to Grace.

Depending on how the meeting on Wednesday goes, we might not be doing these visits much longer…so I really wanted this one to go well.

She was excited to see us and was excited to try on the clothes that Kaleb’s sister had sent for her. They all fit! YAY!!! She also really liked the fleece blanket that my sister Sarah had sent for her for Christmas.

When she asked about the project, she told me she was going to make something for a staff, and I told her that this was just for her. When I explained the boxes to her, I was a little disappointed at her reaction. She became very “little kiddish” and starting asking questions that I knew she knows the answer to, like “Will Jesus write me a note back and put it in the box?” They were not age appropriate questions, especially since we have had lengthy conversations about this in the past and she can explain prayer to anyone very well.

She seemed in a good enough mood, and was very smiley, but impossible to engage in conversation. Every few minutes she would get up and go talk to a staff or another youth, and I would have to call her back to reengage her. It was frustrating, because it felt like she didn’t really care if we were there or not. I understand that this is very typical of RAD behavior. I left not feeling like we had really connected. Sad.

So, Wednesday is this big meeting. What’s going to happen? Last time I went into this kind of meeting expecting to do a little discussion, like a team meeting used to be at TFH, kind of a round table to figure out what is best for this kid. Thankfully, Kaleb will be with me, so I won’t be totally blindsided. There are two scenarios I am expecting.

#1. The team will decide that at this point adoption is not a good option for Grace. She has told the rest of the team (caseworker, group home peeps, counselor etc…) that she doesn’t want to be adopted. The team could basically say that this process could take a lot longer and that she needs to stay in treatment a long time. At this point Kaleb and I could say, we don’t care how long it takes, this girl needs a home and someone to stick with her.

#2. The team could decide all of the above and Kaleb and I could say that we have waiting long enough and turned other kids away that really want a home. We have decided to stop pursuing this relationship for now and are going to look at being a placement for other kids.

Kaleb and I have some major talking to do. Some major praying to do. Some really hard decisions to make.

Okay, God. Here’s the next step of our adventure. A little light would be wonderful!!!

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No Kablooey!

So tomorrow Rachel and I will head off to see Grace…again. When I spoke to her last night I told her to be praying that the car doesn’t break. No Kablooey allowed!

I am hoping for a great visit. I am hoping she gets some peace about this whole thing. No, God, not hoping, claiming. Give that girl some peace.

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It was on my mind…so I wrote it.

Dear ones,

I wish I had good news to tell you. I wish that I could pick up that phone and tell you that something wonderful and life altering was happening in my body right now. I sound so ungrateful and lacking so much faith, but I wish that I could tell you what you wanted to hear. The conversation might go something like this

“Hey (insert special relationship here)! How are you?”

“I’m fine. Blah blah blah happened today. How are you?”

“Oh, I’m doing great. A little tired, but that’s to be expected when you’re pregnant.”

“Yeah, that’s true. I hope you feel bet…(stop in middle of syllable)…WHAT? Pregnant? I’m going to be a(n) (insert relationship title here)????”

“Yup.” (wait patiently while shock, joy, and awe noises run their course)

“When…how did you find out?”

“Well….I’ve been feeling a little more nauseous than usual in the mornings, but wasn’t thinking about it because I haven’t had a cycle in a few months and had taken tests before that were negative, but I just had this feeling. And God and I were talking the other night and He told my spirit to check one more time, so I did. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It’s usually just automatic for me to throw out the sticks without really looking at them because I am just so used the results being the same ALL OF THE TIME!!!”

“So, it’s real?”

“It better be! Yeah, I got checked out at Dr. Pond’s this morning.”

“God is so good. He IS faithful, Hannah. How did Kaleb take react”

“He said he knew before I did. He cried when we officially found out…and of coarse kissed me like mad.”

(Insert lots of praying, crying praising God etc…)

I wish we could have that conversation. I am praying, and continually praying that we do sometime soon.

Can you let that conversation happen, Lord? I know my (insert loved one) would really appreciate it.

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Prayer boxes, wheel bearings, and lots of tears.

We were supposed to go visit Grace on Saturday. In fact, Rachel and I were half way to the group home, a 2 1/2 hour trip, when the wheel bearing on our new beast mobile decided to go kablooey. Of coarse. The day that we can actually go visit the girl-child…the car…the NEW car….decides to drive us a little more crazy. Pun fully intended.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was very excited to see Grace and I was rather proud of myself because I had gone to Michael’s and found three beautiful wooden boxes that we could paint together. My idea was that we make prayer boxes. In one of my favorite books, “Redeeming Love” by Francine Rivers, a character describes how whenever she is worrying about something she writes the worry or the prayer request on a slip of paper and puts it in her prayer box.

“Once it’s in the box, it’s God’s problem,” she said. I am having punctuation issues with that quote. Oh well.

So I thought that would be a good thing to do with Grace. It would encourage her prayer life as well as give her a practical way to handle the things she frequently worries about, which, as we have discussed, could be something as simple as a gassy roommate.

But the wheel bearing went kablooey. We are definitely having bearing issues lately.

I called the group home from the car repair shop and the staff suggested she tell Grace. I will hopefully get to talk to her tonight. I know she will be upset, and rightly so. DARN WHEEL BEARING!!!!

We have a meeting coming up on the 11th with all of Grace’s powers that be. There are a lot of hard decisions to be made, on both ends.

After a particularly difficult weekend, I was very blessed by two WONDERFUL sisters in Christ who spent the entire worship service talking with me, listening to me, praying over me, and generally being very good sisters. God is dealing with my heart on a lot of different things, but particularly this idea of “mothership” not to be confused with mother ship…as I am not planning on beaming up any time soon. Through the music choices of our fabulous, spirit-led worship team, God was wrenching my heart to remember that HE needs to be enough, regardless of any other circumstance. I again had to lay down my desire for children, my desire to bear a child, my desire to be a mother, and give it to Him. I told Him very plainly that I am very willing to lay this desire down as long as He will come and fill up that hole in my heart with Him. We are still working through that. Lots of tears. They come so easily these days.

Anywho, lots going on. I feel traumatized by some other of this weekend’s events, but thankfully my wonderful hubby got home from California…and is now safely in Wisconsin. *Sigh* But only until Wednesday.

Lovey, I know you read this, so thank you again for putting up with your insane wifery.

God is good. He is teaching me constantly. I am trying to learn.

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