Waiting for Grace
Monday’s are usually our phone call days with Grace, but she didn’t call. I am hoping she just forgot, and that the privilege was not taken away because of bad behavior. I really want to get a good report from her. I am hoping that she can tell me that she had a good week and that we can cross it off of the 8-10 “good weeks” she is supposed to have before she can start visits. If they stick with eight, that would mean she would be able to start single day visits around March 21st, followed by 3-4 single overnight visits…(late april)…and 3-4 weekend visits….(late May)….and then what? And that’s all IF she had a good week and can continue to have good weeks all the way through the 8. They say they want her to transition over the summer…we’ll see. That girl needs a real home with a real mom and dad. She needs to not have to worry about points, or point cards, or subsystems. She needs to be able to go to her room to play when she wants too, or go ride her bike around the neighborhood. Enough of this institutional crap already!!! (Okay…breathing now.)
It’s very hard for me to wait. My motherhood keeps being postponed by point systems and technicalities. I want to look at adopting a baby, but that’s not a possibility with Grace at this point. That frustrates me. No, that makes me unbelievably sad.
Some days, like today, I have pretty much given up on the fact that this womb of mine will ever hold a child and that these breasts will ever get to nurse one. (I apologize to my brother and other male relatives or friends who really do not want to hear these graphic details.) True, adoptive moms can breast feed as well…but when am I ever going to get the chance to even do THAT? It’s not that I’ve given up on God’s promises for me, it’s just that sometimes I wonder if I have listened incorrectly, or done something to sabotage His plan.
Kaleb got to spend some time with Gideon and Zanna at the end of last week, and it was so fun to hear him talking about “when we have our kids….” God is softening his heart, and I don’t think he even realizes it most of the time. I want to make a baby with that man, Damn it!!!
On a lighter note….
The post I …ummm…posted last week (which the link for is apparently not working) about my nephew and my little friend Gideon (whom I get to baby sit tonight) got included in a blog-post collection book. Sorry, guys, no royalties. 
I think I am going to buy it…maybe. If you want to, you can go to the Riggs Family Blog and check it out. Look for the Stubborn fish tales name. That’s Me!!!!
